A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:Reading yet another question on here where a husband gets his wife pregnant and then doesn't even help out out at all. Why does this happen? She went through giving birth to his kid and ruining her body for him. He Also helped create the kid, so shouldn't he actually help her?! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): It happens for far too many reasons to list OP. All I can say is that these things are best asked of the man in question. Only he can explain his reasons.
There's always a lot more to this kind of thing than simply the guy not helping. Perhaps he balances that out by working long hours to provide money, or is busy with household chores and labour.
The only way to resolve things like that is through communication, communicating needs and finding out why people act the way they do so a compromise can be reached.
You know it is also possible for the woman in that kind of situation to be selfish and unreasonable. It's not unheard of for mothers to demand their partner do too much or not enough. It all depends on the specific situation and what that guy actually brings to the relationship. I have a married friend who works 10-12 hours 6 days a week running his own business, he takes care of all the repairs and dirty jobs at home too and his wife still complains that he doesn't do enough to help her with the kids when she's at home all day with them and doesn't even bother to do any household chores because she wants her "me" time to go shopping and get her hair done during the day when they're at school.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Maybe because they didn't want to become fathers and it was the woman who made them become fathers against their will.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): where pregnancy is concerned, women have the last say in whether they become a parent. Men don't. It is the woman who has the last say in whether the man becomes a parent. do you see the imbalance?I'm a firm believer in individual responsibility and individual choice. That means that women don't get to berate men for not supporting them in the pregnancy or after the baby is born. If you wanted the baby more than the man did, it's your responsibility.If she wants to keep the baby and be the parent that's great but it's HER choice for HERSELF. It's not one person's place to decide that since this is the choice she made, the man now owes it to her to do the same as she's doing.She made her choice, so the man should be allowed his choice. Of course if you picked the right man and nurtured your relationship, odds are that he will want to make the same choice as you and will. But if he doesn't want to have anything to do with the baby or with her anymore, he should have the right. The exception is if the couple had an agreement beforehand that they both wanted to create a family together. If this agreement is what led the woman to make her individual choice to follow through on the pregnancy and keep the baby, then she should expect the man to likewise follow through on what he had promised ahead of time he would do.But if the pregnancy is accidental, or if there was never any such agreement then her choice and decision to proceed with parenthood should not be foistered on him. She wants to do it, fine, go ahead! But he should have the right to decide if he wants to be involved at all, and if so, then how much. It's not for her to decide for him how much he "should" be involved.I believe we all make decisions for ourselves, you take responsibility for the choices you make for yourself, and you have no right to make decisions for someone else especially when it involves changing their life. The ideal would be that the man actually wants to become a parent too and to be with the woman so he willingly supports her. But if he doesn't actually want it and only she wants to become a parent, it's just not fair to him to rope him into the life she has chosen.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): It bears pointing out that men don't have as much control over their choice to become parents as women do. Lots of men become fathers by accident. Some become fathers fully against their will.
This certainly does not justify a man being a bad parent. Far from it. But IMO it does help explain it sometimes.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (30 April 2012):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (30 April 2012):
 Some men are just very selfish and don't want to be involved. They don't mind having sex, but when a baby is created, a lot of women discover they are very much on their own.
Of course Fathers SHOULD be there and help out (In a perfect world) but many just don't see it as their responsibility and don't mind shaking it off and leaving it to the Mother.
Also I think it's fair to say that many do want to get involved and help out but they just don't know how to. Women can be pretty stressy and frosty after giving birth and this scares the pants off a lot of men and they think if they try to help they will get it wrong because they keep getting the 'evil eye' from the mum.
There are also a lot of single dads and excellent Father's who step up to the plate...and this is how life should be for everyone...but in a lot of cases, it just doesn't happen.
Any prospective dad can speak to a midwife, health visitor or any parent friendly organisation for advise on how to best support their partner (or even ex) so that things run smoothly and everyone is happy.
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