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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Never been in one myself but I can't understand why society is so disapproving of relationships with a big age gap. We can accept interracial couples, even same sex couples now, but not ones where a man and woman are two different ages??There's nothing in the Bible against it. A 50-year-old man and 30-year-old woman can still effectively procreate. Of course odds are that she will outlive him. But really no one knows the future and anyone can die at any time.People just assume these relationships are only based on sex. A predator and his naive victim (if the man is older) or a cougar and her boytoy. And whenever they break up, I notice people automatically blame the age difference. But just as many similar-age relationships break up and no one thinks to blame it on the fact they were the same age.WTF!? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): I just wish there was less hypocrisy about it. Young women who date older men are always saying it shows how mature they are. But once they are older, now younger women who date men their age are a bunch of little whores.
The success or failure gets unbalanced reactions too. If the relationship succeeds then the younger woman gets more of the credit for maturity. When it has problems then the man gets more of the blame for immaturity or taking advantage.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 February 2015):
 I'm not sure the perception is that age gaps are looked down on by society is that prevalent, unless the age gap is borderline illegal or .. just HUGE (like she is 19 and he is 90 - Anna Nicole anyone? Considering that "cougar" (elder woman/younger man) is WAY more common now, than it used to be. Even though it went from a "Mrs Robinson" (The graduate) to "Cougar" - so from bored housewife to predator. There is even a TV show Cougar Town that sorta "praises" the lifestyle.
However, if you are/were dating someone older/younger then you, and you two make it work then WHO cares what others think? And if it doesn't work out, then well it DIDN'T work out. WHO cares that others might think it's because of the age gap?
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reader, like I see it +, writes (11 February 2015):
 To answer your question as it relates to disapproval of LEGAL age-gap relationships, I think you must look at why relationships in general may fail in the first place.
Here are a couple of the big ones in no particular order:
Disagreements relating to sex (frequency or lack thereof, acts performed or not performed)
Insecurity about differences in sexual past or prior relationship experience
Incompatibility of life goals
Disagreements relating to money
Dissatisfaction with a partner's appearance (i.e. "letting him/herself go")
Take a look at this list. Most of the items on it are not more or less likely to be the case because both people are the same sex, or because they have different skin colors. Regardless of gender or skin color, most people go through a fairly standard progression in life that more or less correlates to their ages. Most 18-year-olds, for example, are still developing/exploring their identities and may not be ready to settle down just yet. In contrast, by the time they're 50 most people have put down roots to a certain degree, are entrenched in the careers they've chosen to pursue, and have typically already married/had children if they desired these things.
To elaborate on the list of examples I offered:
Differences in libido are a huge source of discord in many relationships and marriages, even same-age ones. The difference with age gap relationships is that existing differences may potentially be magnified even further by natural changes in libido among age groups. An older man may be physically unable to perform for his decades-younger partner as her sex drive increases with age. A shy, virginal young woman may be too nervous and too inexperienced to sexually satisfy a middle-aged man who has enjoyed sex with a varied history of partners. Different-aged partners raised in different time periods may also have different ideas about what sex acts are normal and desirable within a relationship. The young man who grew up with anal sex being a fairly commonplace act may find that his older female partner considers it taboo; the young woman who enjoys the use of sex toys on herself may find this act threatening to an older male partner who grew up at a time when female sex toys were not so widespread.
Age gaps also present a higher likelihood that one of the partners will be more sexually experienced than the other. Both men and women have the ability to feel retroactive jealousy towards a partner's sexual past, and there is potentially a lot of 'past' to be jealous of when one of the partners has an extra 10 or 20 years of sexual activity under his or her belt. In the US at least, the percentage of the population that has never been married decreases with increasing age, so a person who “dates older” is also more likely to end up with someone who has a prior marriage (and an ex-spouse or possibly even stepchildren) under his or her belt. Unless all parties involved are polite, mature, and respectful, these factors tend to be stressors to subsequent relationships - hence the increased divorce rate for second (and third, etc) marriages.
This brings me to the third item – differences in life goals. These issues can be problematic in any relationship where they arise, but age gap relationships tend in particular to create these differences. A “younger” (but not TOO young) partner in an age gap relationship may wish to settle down and have children, only to find that the older partner, who has been around the marriage-and-children block a time (or two!) already is not so interested in doing these things over again. An “older” (but not TOO old) partner in an age gap relationship may be ready to settle down, only to find that his/her barely legal boyfriend or girlfriend is still exploring and balks at the idea of long-term commitment. Couples who are more or less the same age tend to have less inherent obstacles to making these life decisions at more or less the same time, allowing for more harmony between what each partner wants out of the relationship and what actually happens as a result.
Financial issues are another major stressor on relationships where they become an issue, and having a large gap in age between partners doesn’t diminish the potential for problems to exist. Think about what you considered a responsible purchase when you were 18 – say you came by an unexpected $500, what would you use it for? Is your answer the same today? I know mine wouldn’t be – at 18, I’d have gleefully spent it on concert tickets; today, I’m saving for new floors in my house. And only nine years have elapsed! Factor in the probability that in an age gap relationship, one of the partners is earning significantly more than the other – a very young partner may not have entered the workforce yet; a much older partner may be retired and living on a fixed income – and again the stage is set for disagreements. Once again, you are looking at a playing field that is less likely to be level when the ages of both parties are not similar. It’s also worth noting that each age group has its own unique set of issues with debts and credit history – for example, the twentysomething may be drowning in student loans; the fortysomething may owe alimony. Each of these may well be something the other party has never experienced and can’t truly empathize with, whereas two twentysomethings might bond and commiserate over their crappy student loans and two fortysomethings might bond and commiserate over perceived unfairness in divorce settlements.
Finally, it’s undeniable that all relationships have a physical component. Maintaining a healthy sex life that satisfies both partners becomes exponentially more difficult when one partner is physically not attracted to (or even repulsed by) the other. While both partners in an age gap relationship most likely find each other attractive when the relationship begins (unless of course it’s more a business transaction, support in exchange for companionship, and those do exist as well), this may not remain the case. A 20-year-old woman who finds her partner ruggedly handsome at 40 may feel differently when she’s a lovely mature 40-year-old still getting attention from men in her age group yet going home to a white-haired 60-year-old who may be starting to need diapers. A 20–year-old man who finds his 40-year-old lover’s mature figure and high libido alluring may not be so interested later, when he’s in the prime of his life while her looks and interest in sex fade. Don’t get me wrong, people in same- or similar-age relationships are also subject to fading physical attraction, but again it’s usually on a more equal playing field – BOTH partners start finding gray hairs, BOTH partners find the five pounds gained at Thanksgiving don’t come off so easily. Less room exists for resentment to develop because… pot, kettle, black!
Can age gap relationships work? Yes, of course they can, with the right people involved. Do many of them fail, however? Absolutely. As to WHY society disapproves… well, people tend to judge other people even if they are not correct, or have no business judging. For the reasons I mentioned above, third parties may be more likely to look at an age gap relationship and assume that it is not going to succeed or to last when so many issues have the potential to arise over time. They look at it as something they would not want for themselves or their loved ones, because the risk of pain and difficulty appears higher and the protective instincts we feel toward those we care about cause us to wish them to be shielded from such things.
I would be careful, however, about comparing the issue directly to same-sex or interracial marriage, as to the best of my knowledge there has never been a law (in the US at least) preventing or discriminating against marriages between adults of consenting age, no matter the age difference between them. The same cannot be said of same-sex and interracial marriages, and to compare public opinion of a freedom that is legal and widely permissible to freedoms that have only been gained after a great deal of violence and discrimination (and in some places aren’t even freedoms yet) may be offensive to those who still find their actual right to marry infringed upon.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (10 February 2015):
 The age difference problem comes from up bringing and personal experience.If a man or woman is younger than their partner and they have not had much experience living their own lives, you run into problems. They still want to explore the world, and live it up. When they see other people their age having fun and their partner has lived that life and has no interest in doing it again...the younger partner gets bored, and restless. All that young pent up energy and no way to let it out. Soon the younger partner wants someone their own age with their energy.Next is sex...The older partner may know how to please the young one really good. Which leads to it's own problem. Younger partner loves it, and wants it more and more, not just in a week, but in a day. An older person takes longer to recover, and that leads to boredom, restlessness, and resentment. A younger person would be able to keep up, so off they go.Older men most always go for younger women based on sex alone. They believe a younger woman wants more sex which is exactly what they THINK they need. Problem is...she DOES want more sex, way more than Mr. older man can give. Hence the creation of Viagra, and other sex enhance drugs. He wants to keep her happy all night long. That will last for a bit, but it will last as long as she wants it too.Which lead to men's mid life crisis. Caught between wanting to be the young stud and refusing to be the mature man he should be.Upbringing...Other country raise their girls to look after a man from a young age. They are expect to know how to look after a husband, not just a man. They do not have access to clubs, parties, and so on to have the craving to explore. These culture do better with older man younger woman relationships. It is the younger woman's duty to look after the older dying man.It is much harder to get a man to stay with a older woman based on his sex drive alone, and what he feels would give him the most sex, and the wildest sex. Most men do not look for the QUALITY sex an older woman can give him, they look for how much they can get. Than greed causes men to miss out on a lot that is offered by a woman. Some of us take years to learn, others never do.Women are more caring and loving of who they have. Men are more wanting of what they can have.Not the man's fault..blame his parents. Teach your girls how to care and love, and let your boys do whatever they want...and there you go. Society.Young girls get dolls, doll houses, tea sets, teddy bears, make-up, and pretty dresses. Boys get guns, truck, toy tools, fire trunks, and so on. It starts young.This does not apply to all...but generally speaking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): By today's standards, my parents marriage would not be acceptable. My mother was 16, and my dad was 26! This was back in the fifties. My mother is of Native American heritage, and her parents didn't have a problem with it. My father was very respectful; and dated my mother until my grandparents felt comfortable with the arrangement.
No one really knows the nature of the romantic connection between a couple with a wide age-gap, better than the couple themselves. If no laws are broken; then the opinions of others matter not. Some are creepy, and don't really have a healthy attraction as the basis of coming together. Some are just plain repulsive. Of course, that is merely my opinion. I think a 19 year-old and someone in their 80's is totally gross. There are extremes that beg for a negative reaction.
Yes, my father was teased, criticized, and given a lot of guff by public-opinion. They remained happily married until my mom died of a brain tumor at only 42. He never remarried. If not for them, my loving siblings and I wouldn't be here. We have no complaints!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot sure why these answers are going into issues of underage or illegal relationships. ofcourse I know anyone under 20 is still growing and developing, not talking about dating children here!
I'm only concerned the way that a straight person might be over the mistreatment of gays or a white person might be over discrimination against blacks. The question was not rhetorical.
There are all kinds of imbalanced power dynamics. A rich American man marries a poor woman in rural China. An athletic woman marries a soldier who lost his legs and will need constant care. A famous celebrity marries a total unknown. People would tend to see all these examples as very romantic. Just not when it's an older person with a much younger one.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2015):
 As the older partner in an age gap, I don't feel the things from society you seem to think are out there.
Age gaps where both partners are over 21 are fine.
The ones where a partner is under 18 and the other is not even if the gap is 2 years is NOT fine.
and what you want at 21 is not what you want at 30....
for what it's worth my HUSBAND is 13+ years younger than I am.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): HiI will start by saying that im all for age gap relationship and have had a few myself, sometimes with a big gap. But to some extent I have learned the hard way that an age gap relationship can be difficult to maintain and often leads to a power imbalance, others making judgements and insecurities. My age gap relationships may not have broken up due to the age gap, but its always a factor on some level that doesn't help.Generally, the issue with age gap relationships is that, rightly or wrongly, they are often perceived as being for the wrong reasons. Others have commented on the reasons society judges age gaps where one side is very young, so I will not add to the great advice already written on that score. I've known quite a few age gap relationships where either the older partner quite frankly was trying to cling to their youth and prove something by having a much younger partner hanging off their arm. Others were because the older person was immature, inexperienced and unable to impress/engage with people their own age and turned to a more impressionable and younger partner who perceive them very differently to their peers. There are no shortage of beautiful young women in relationship with frail, bedridden millionaires or middle age women on the prowl for the satisfaction of wanting a hot young man desire her. Equally there are plenty of men who would be more than willing to take advantage of the innocence of a young women who feels mature and rebellious to have an older man flatter her. There are people with mother/father issues who seek older partners as a replacement parent figure, or those with low self esteem who seek an older partner in the mistaken belief that an older lover will be less critical and more grateful. Im not saying that's always the case in age gap relationships, far from it. Some make it work, some love the attention from the looks they get, others dotn even think about the age gap. As I said im all for age gaps IF both people in that relationship is over the ago of, say, 30. A man of 50 and a woman of 30, or the other way around, can be very similar in terms of interests and outlook. Whereas one would reasonably expect a man of 35 and a woman of 19 to have very different outlooks, different needs and vastly different levels of maturity and life experience. Between the age of 18 and, say, 26 most of us change, develop and mature into very different people. Although we legally become an adult on our 18th birthday, non of us are given all of the maturity, level headed judgement and life experience one needs to be an adult gift wrapped for our 18th. The maturity gap, and difference in expectation, outlook, future plans and so on between a person in their late teens and that same person in their late twenties SHOULD be huge. For that reason alone a relationship with someone over the age of late twenties and another under the age of, say, 23 would have a big gap not just in age but experience and maturity. Another issue with age gaps where one of the people involved is much younger is that young people learn so much, so quickly and develop and mature so fast that what a person wants from a relationship at 22 is often very different from what they want at 25. We all think we are mature an level headed at 19 but when we get to 24 we look back and realize how young and idealistic we were back then. Its often the case that just as one side is looking to settle down, the other is starting find themselves and looking to experience new things.We learn throughout our lives but after our late 20s or early 30s we are pretty much the same person we will continue to be. Up to that point we are offering our partners a shifting target of expectations and needs. On the other side of the coin, a relationship where one is older to the point of middle age or beyond often leads to insecurities and worries that the other person will leave for someone younger. Im 36, close to 37 and my last partner was 52. It ended as she was insecure about her fine lines and less slender figure than she once had and that lead to her lacking trust in me. I would never have strayed, and loved her and found her incredibly attractive but she always thought I would have my head turned by a younger woman.Age is not just a number, it dictates how we feel, what we want and our interests and needs. Two people at different life stages often find in the end that they have less in common once the superficial stuff is out of the way or that what they ultimately want is very different from their older/younger partner.Mark
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 February 2015):
 I believe the difference between "interracial" and "gender" relationships, versus "age gap" relationships is obvious.
But fine, I will answer. Yes, partly people are still anti-everything they're not used to seeing. But the negativity for most part comes from the scenario where the younger part is being taken advantage of, simply because they are less experienced and less mature.
Same reason there's an age for sexual consent.. people are not deemed mature enough before a certain age. Same reason teacher/student relationships are illegal, there is a distinct role of authority/submissive in such relationships. The younger one will give in to whatever the older and "wiser" says. So such relationships are in many cases illegal as a result, in order to protect the younger party.
After a certain age, and if the parties involved are not in a power-setting where one has authority over the other in the work-field, they are allowed to be together... But there often still remains a distinct power-regime in favor of the older party. Hence they are frowned upon by society.
Gays are frowned upon because people think it is an illness that infects those who associate with the gay person... Interracial relationships are looked down upon for social class reasons, same as a rich person in a relationship with a poor person will also get certain looks and be judged.
I believe your question was a rhetorical one though, so I wont continue any further.
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reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (10 February 2015):
 It's logical why people break up over age gaps, not being similar ages, because people break up over differences, not being the same.
Like Honeypie mentioned, there are some things that are more likely in an age gap relationship, because of the age, than in a relationship where they are similar ages, even though it's still possible.
With age gaps, the reason it's often the gap that is the reason they break up (if they break up) is because there are issues that can arise - either as a result of the significant age gap (like different stages of life) or because it's more likely within an age gap relationship (like different libidos).
Your age says 30 - 35, and you're asking about a 30 year old woman and 50 year old man.... Why?
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2015):
I think after 21 the age gap means less, after 30? not a whole lot.
But someone in their 30's dating a 16 year old... THAT is a age gap that really isn't fair. The power in the relationship is one sided, the life experiences is mostly one sided as well. A 16 year old (be it boy or girl) JUST haven't had a chance to FIND their OWN identity and LIVE a little. And they should.
Now if you can't see a 16 year old (be it boy or girl) dating a (let's say) 32 year old (man or woman) is NOT even at all, then I don't know what to tell you.
I haven't met many couples with a great gap. The two couple I have known (for quite a while) where very evenly matched and were BOTH over 30. One worked out, the other didn't. Was it due to the age gap? I don't know. Could be. She was in her 30's (sexually peaking) and he was in his 50's (sexually DECLINING) so there was some things in the relationship that didn't work BECAUSE of the age gap, but maybe it really was more of a mismatched libidos?
This happens no matter WHAT sexual preference people have.
Does it matter what others think? As long as you don't go chase after kid and barely legal "dates"?
Using the "age gap" as an excuse for why it didn't work? Well, it's an easy way out. Human like SIMPLY answers to complicated issues.
Why is this bothering you so much, exactly?
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