A
female
age
51-59,
*osegreen
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years we plan on living together next month. He gave me his phone to use a few days but he was so uncomfortable when I had it that I did something I shouldn`t have and looked at one of his messages from his closest friend that I don`t get along with. His friend was cancelling meeting him for a drink and my boyfriend`s reply was " F... that means I`ll have to take her (me) out ". I was so shocked and hurt. He has always been so kind and considerate to me and we get along so well. He says it was a joke ....male banter... How could he say this ? Should I break up with him? I`m so hurt and confused and I feel so terrible for having looked at what wa private I have never done this before but moving n with someone is a big step. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 February 2015):
 I am glad you poke to him OP
So many women would have "pretended" it didn't happen. And I'd tell him:" just because your friend is a ass doesn't mean YOU have to as well."
A
female
reader, rosegreen +, writes (16 February 2015):
rosegreen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you liberated man for your response. When I spoke to him about it he admitted that he wanted to be "the big man" and " be in the same boat" as his friend. He was really sorry and he does treat me well and doesn`t act like a dinosaur which is why I was so hurt and shocked .His friend however is a chauvinist and treats his partner rather cruelly emotionally ( calls her Miss Havisham because she wants to get married and he doesn`t)which is why I don`t socialise with them.
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A
male
reader, liberated man +, writes (10 February 2015):
You are correct in that you should not be reading the private messages of others, but now you have to contend with the fact that you may only be a trophy, or a cover for things that are going on with the two of them. I can't say for sure that this is the situation, but something does not sound too good. This is something that the two of you need to hash out before any commitments are made.
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A
female
reader, rosegreen +, writes (10 February 2015):
rosegreen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie for the sensitive response.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2015):
You know, I have NEVER understood the "woe is me I'm married" and the "ball and chain" when guys refer to their wives. I JUST don't get it. NO ONE HAS to be married (or dating) if they feel it's so LIMITING and HORRIBLE.
It might BE male banter. I just don't know any men who talk like that about their wife. (except my BIL who is now divorced lol and well, I don't blame him -he DID stick it out for his kids while she had several affairs -which she of course blamed HIM for) BUT you get my point?
Someone WHO is HAPPY with their partner shouldn't TALK like that. But SOME men FEEL like they "have" to in peer situations, because if he had said:" well, sorry you had to cancel but that means I get to spend more time with honeybunch" - he would INSTANTLY be called pussywhipped and EMASCULATED by his fellow male friends.
I don't get it, and I would talk to him about it. However, I don't know if he will change.
And yea, you shouldn't have looked - but you did and what you found wasn't encouraging. Personally, I would reconsider moving in together. I don't know if it warrants a "break up" YOU have to decide if you can accept this "lame male banter" or not.
Me though, I would talk to him and look at his ACTIONS more than what he tells his friend. He treats you golden = actions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): I think you need to relax a bit about this. Don't assume the worst about his feelings just based on a couple of comments like this. Worry about it if you see him showing signs of these feelings all over the place.
I joke this way to my male friends sometimes too. Its not serious. He may be in the habit of making jokes like that from a relationship he had with some other woman years ago, and now it's a running joke between them. Etc.
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