A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, I am almost 35 and "look 18", according to my husband (and all the men at the office, ew). I apparently have an "innocent look", despite the fact that I wear makeup and don't go with the trends, I have my own distinct style. Thanks to my genes, I look "exotic" (Eastern European/new england 9th gen) and this also seems to attract the creeps in droves. Does a wedding ring mean *nothing*? Come on. I am very nice and I smile a lot but not in a flirty way. I'm in e but not too nice, if you know what I mean. -my husband is 36 but everyone thinks he's robbed the cradle and I'm a child bride. He has recently begun to complain that he looks like an "old man" and is trying to look younger. -at the office (new job) all of the older men tell me I look "so young" and treat me like it too, while trying to be discreet about giving me the once over... Every day-at my last hs reunion all of the guys said I looked like I was still in high school. They all knew me since we were 5. So, thanks guys, but shut up because you know I hate it (I looked 12 at 18 and 14 at 22...)-even my married boss has been looking at me with a certain gleam in his eye (not only is he married but he has 6 kids with another on the way...wth). I don't dress like trash (in fact I have my own distinct style), or like a little girl, or have a high voice, or act cutesy. I have a baby face, yes, and according to my mom I look like a peasant girl from the mountains. Very "Old World" I guess. Apparently something is not working. Should I start dressing like a frumpy mom?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015): I have wanted to respond to this post for a while now, but only now had time to. You sound like my sister-in-law who is a very attractive woman, but who plays herself down: frumpy clothes, no makeup, etc. I have seen her made up and she is very attractive. Without it she's not unattractive, but she doesn't do herself any favors.Like you, she thinks every guy she meets wants to have sex with her. That might be true given the proclivities of men but even her sister (my wife) rolled her eyes when she claimed that all these different acquaintances of hers wanted to get into her panties.She is single (unlike you) but she usually dresses like a frumpy mom. Is that something you aspire to? You should dress in your own style and not worry about if men want to have sex with you, because... they will. Men want to have sex with women. I know that is a newsflash! Deal with it! Frumpy mom just says that you are pathetic and scared to embrace your own style because men might like that. And why is that so bad?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): How is she implying that she is being treated like a piece of meat? I don't see anywhere in the post that it says that or even remotely implies it. The boss looks at her "with a gleam in his eye." Her co workers and friends from high school tell her she looks young. People joke that her husband robbed the cradle. And others tell her she has a very innocent and exotic look to her. And people take notice of her because she has great genetics that make her look youthful and attractive (as she herself said).
Ok...I'm still missing how this is a problem.
She is not getting smacked on the ass or being called names or violated, mistreated or degraded in any way. All of the things she mentioned are positive and most people could live with it and be happy about.
When you walk into the office and you happen to have a co worker who dresses beautifully, most co workers will be inclined to comment on her outfit. It's not sexual harassment, it's normal social dynamics.
Nobody here is putting her down or trying to be disrespectful. These are all compliments that most people would be stoked about.
If attention, even if it is positive and harmless, is not your thing, then you could try changing your attitude and body language. Act more distant and reserved when you are in public. People, generally, are pretty good at picking up cues and responding accordingly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): Its a New place, noone tells you to become introvert, but people act according to the situation, it calls to be " well adjusted". If you don't like compliments, and stares, then act accordingly and may be....don't smile as much to them. And WHY you think dressing like a frumpy mom will benefit you? I don't know how you dress now, but clothes usually play a significant role in how guys see you. I personally don't care how they see me, but...if I don't want this much attention, I don't dress revealing. For example: I live in a sunny part of the Earth where revealing clothes don't mean much as its very hot here and women show a lot o f skin. My wardrobe is all open, with what is considered to be skimpy outfits. Everytime I go west of the country where women are more covered I get more attention than in my own city. I adjust my wardrobe. I put scarf around my chest, I switch leggings for jeans, and so on. I wouldn't do that if I welcomed that attention, but when I travell by myself I don't welcome it. Same with Europe. I can't imagine wear one of my dresses in some of the countries. I will deffinitely stand out from the crowed, and if it's not what I want, here goes the clothes change. No one is telling OP to go hide in a corner,but may be analyze a bit situation, and do few adgustments, but deffinitely not make looking yourself not attractive. There are ways to look elegant but not seductive
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (11 February 2015):
 The comment about seeing someone for a makeover that might make you look closer to your age, but that you still like, was me.
I agree with those who are saying you do NOT need to put up with this. Some may like being stared at and treated like they are some model, but some don't and its not easy when you have to work with people who don't know boundaries - so set them :) Like I said in my first response: tell HR if it doesn't stop in two weeks and leave if it doesn't sto in a few months. It's not worth putting up with if it makes you uncomfortable - and, personally, I can't blame you; I wouldn't like being treated as someone who's there for them to stare at!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): I'm 30 and I still get asked for ID, my daughter is 10 and nearly as tall as me and she has bigger feet than me. People think I look like a 16 most of the time but I don't see any problem with that. When I go and pick up the kids from school all of the other mothers are dressed nicely and they all look quite young to me. I was looking at photos of my grandmother at my parents wedding, she was in her 40's but looked so much older. It's different these days, we don't all just start dressing like an old lady when start having kids and a family, we dye our hair, I know loads of women in their photos who look in their 20s. My brother in laws ex wife, she worked in a supermarket and told him she wanted a divorce as she enjoyed all the attention she got from her work mates and didn't want to be tied down any more. I worked in a supermarket and I don't feel particularly attractive but I'd get attention from people all the time. Some men are like it with any woman they work with. No doubt you are attractive but it's just harmless flirting, that's what happens in work. Besides that if you started dressing like a frump you'd just look like a young looking frump!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2015):
 There is A HUGE difference between being compliments and being viewed as the OFFICE piece of meat.
THE co-workers doesn't NEED to compliment you, unless it about your work. When you are regarded at work for HOW you look and NOT your work performance it's NOT at all useful and IF the OP feels that it's not at all comfortable that they FIXATE on her looks then she shouldn't JUST be happy to get those leers and "compliments".
Nor should she STOP being who she is. She obviously didn't have a problem in hr prior job (I will presume as she didn't mention this). She shouldn't go hide in the corner and become "introverted"...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): I don't understand why anyone have a need to empathize with you. Is it bad that you look younger, is it bad that men compliment you? I am in mylate 40s, my daughter is 27, and , no I didn't have her when I was a teen. Regular marriage in my 20s and then a child came. Every single time I tell people that I have a 27 year old, I see big eyes, and hear "noway". I don't understand how it can be possibly a bad thing???I feel flattered.,age wise I can be a mother of even an older child. One guy asked me, I can't imaging that you must be around 50? And kept starring at me all night trying to study my face, which was very funny ...and flattering. We were standing in line in one of my daughters visit home once. Then my daughter referred to me as mom, and a guy in front of us turned around and started starring so intensiyat me, that my daughter started laughing and told him that he is starring. The guy apologized and said, your mother looks like she is 32, I can't believe yougirls are mother and daughter. How is it bad, any woman would be very much pleased in hearing this every day for the whole life. With that said, may be there is another reason that guys are hitting on you in a work place. MY be you are way too friend's with them, all smiley, flirty and so on. Guys will flirt but once there is no responce they will eventually stop.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2015):
 AT 35 I had your "problem" I had two sons at a very young age and people assumed I was the baby sitter.
Trust me in a few years this issue will probably vanish for you.
I have one friend, she is 54 yrs old and looks 30 something. It's incredible. But no one accuses her much older (and older looking) hubby of anything. And trust me she does NOT dress like a mom.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): Ew, no. And this is a problem because...? You never quite explained why this is a problem. You explained that everyone thinks you look young and exotic and men want you. But you never explained how this is affecting your life negatively. Is your husband taking issue with it? Is it affecting your self esteem? Does it make you feel like lesser of a person that men are attracted to you? Is this something that genuinely bothers you or are you pretending it does? I've just never met anyone finding issue with non stop compliments about their looks. But I personally, LOVE being complimented. People are people and when you are good looking and attractive, others will swoon. There is very little you can do about it. It is part of your fate.I used to work at an exclusive club in Midtown Manhattan and when Leo Dicaprio used to come in, every girl in the club would nearly faint. It was hard even for me to talk to him without being in a dead lock stare like a zombie, my lips trembling and my heart racing. He probably thought I was a weirdo. He has to deal with this EVERYWHERE he goes, every single day of his life. He would still dress normal and look as good as he always does. Whenever he wasn't in the mood to deal with it, he'd simply wear a hat low over his face, plug in his headphones and look down to avoid all eye contact. You could try that. If you don't like the attention just be more discreet and introverted. But you don't have to change who you are or how you dress. That's pretty ridiculous.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (10 February 2015):
Dear OP,
Have you tried the "business look"? A blazer, hair tied together, some small earrings etc. make you look "adult" while still looking beautiful and elegant.
At least that's the style I'm aiming for at the moment since people also tell me I look younger, but I need to make a serious impression at work (I compensate by wearing a very personal style on weekends).
Anyway, was just an idea.
"Frumpy mom" is not a good idea.
I think you should be happy about looking young, but also take a realistic look at yourself in the mirror. If you always get the same kind of feedback about your style, the world might be trying to get a message through to you.
Sure, you can ignore it, but maybe you should take it seriously. One or two people can be wrong. But not everybody.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): The men at your office are making some very inappropriate commentary regarding your appearance. Your married-boss, of all people; should know the high-risk and liability of "sexual-harassment." We live in a litigious society!
Inappropriate and over-gratuitous compliments fall under the category of sexual-harassment. Let them praise your job-performance; that is what pays-off!!! That's what gains you proper respect among your colleagues. Not your looks!
Apparently the men in your place of business need some training to remind them of those boundaries. You are a married-woman and an employee. That requires respect from all men at every level; when being too gratuitous with compliments unrelated to job-performance. It's fine to compliment a color, or general-appearance in a professional manner. Your appearance and style falls under your freedom of expression; however; your employer has the right to set guidelines for appropriate office-attire. Most businesses nowadays are pretty relaxed about that. Depending on the type of business; and the image the company wishes to project to the public.
Don't you dare go frumpy for anybody!!! Your husband, or anyone else. Feel good about yourself. The flattery will plateau at some point; so don't let it inflate your ego to a degree you'll become distressed when it all comes to a halt! Men can pile it on pretty thick; then it turns from a compliment to a blatant-pass! Your reaction will filter improper remarks about your looks. Keep that in-mind!
If you were blessed with a youthful-appearance, and you have a unique style of dress; you have every right to embrace them without feeling guilty; or being approached in the wrong way by men at your job. Youth and beauty are highly prized and coveted in our culture; but it also causes a lot of emotional-damage.
Take compliments with grace; but when they come-on too strong; just remind them you are a married-woman. Don't blush, that is a form of approval. Enough is enough. There is a point when it's going too far in a professional-setting. It will also lower office-morale amongst the other women, and you know what happens when it does. On come the catty comments, and the claws are extended. You really don't have to do anything for that to happen; but if you gush a lot over the male-attention, they are justified. They also lose respect for you as a woman, for letting men overstep professiona1 conduct toward you. It places them in a position to feel they have no right to complain, if men getaway with it with you. You set an example. You know what I mean?
Now your husband's sensitivities are different; and are to be considered only to a point. That is because he is the man you love. You are entitled to a healthy self-esteem, and shouldn't hide under a rock for any man or woman; because of the green-monster, envy. People will drive you crazy with judgement and opinions. They will hit you left and right with criticism and remarks regarding your appearance; but you have to handle admiration gracefully.
I look years younger than my age also. It sometimes hurts my feelings; because I don't hide my age, and people can be very ageist. They mean well but their prejudices override the compliment; because they assume everyone over 40 dries-up into a prune, and everything goes south and drops toward the floor. Genetics determines if and when that happens. You and I have been blessed with good genes that hide our age, but we can't let conceit or narcissism go to our heads.
You don't have to go to any extreme for anyone's sake; but you might want to tone down your "visible" reactions to compliments. Some you simply let evaporate into thin air, and you show no reaction; just offer a bland "thank you."
Then quickly change the subject, or politely respond with a compliment. Don't let it go to your head.
Be honest. Let hubby know that you love everything about him, and not to let people say things to hurt his feelings; or drive him to make a fool of himself trying to behave or dress younger than he really looks.
I have gay male friends in their fifties and sixties wearing skinny-jeans, or adolescent Abercrombie and Fitch; and they look totally ridiculous! Their gray hair, thick waistlines, and chicken-legs are almost comical. Those who go to the gym and have hot bodies, can pull it off. They fall in the category as hipsters, and they wear it well. They are level-headed, and tasteful; they know the fine-line that you can cross that takes you to "Old Ms. Young, or Granny-boy!"
That doesn't work for everyone! It may draw insults and laughs, instead of the compliments he's hoping for.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 February 2015):
 Hi,
Absolutely not is my answer to your question.
Your good genes are a great asset to have. By the time you reach 70 you just might look like a 30 year old. You are indeed blessed.
Maintaining your figure helps you to look years younger and I am sure you are not interested in gaining 50 pounds in order to lessen the attention of some men who are out of touch with acceptable behaviour in a workplace in the 21st century.
.
The culture in you new workplace is part of the problem. It is not the culture in all work places in the 21st century. You alone cannot force a change in the culture.
Only a crisis or their retirement may help change the culture.
Perhaps if there were a higher number of females, especially a few aware and older females, then the culture may be able to enter the 21st century.
It would be interesting to see if they have a higher turnover of female staff, because of the culture.
Some people are blessed with good genes. Think Reese Witherspoon who never seems to age.
Think Crown Princess Mary of Denmark is the mother of 4 children and she is aged 43 and I don't think I'd call her frumpy.
You are there to do a job, not to be their eye candy.
If your own taste in clothing is stuck in a rut, and you are still wearing clothing that matches what you've worn over and over since 15 to 20 years then, yes, do go in search of some classy professional role models to update your image to a more contemporary style that still looks classy and professional and presentable AND acceptable to you.
Ageing gracefully throughout your life is not about waking up one day and saying, ''from now on I'll dress frumpy.''
It can be Ageing (in the worst way) if a woman 75 still wants to make up her face in the makeup style of 60 years earlier, and to dress like She enjoyed dressing as a fifteen year old. Such examples are rare and sad.
Makeup and hair and styles of dressing do gradually change over time.
But some people are so unique that they can successfully appear to never change. I saw a photo of Lauren Baccall when she was a young girl and her style of presentation and dressing was very similar to how she dressed in later years - classy, simple and stylish.
Try to get through the rubbish behaviour of the men in your workplace. Ignore their ''looks.'' The ''looks'' border on potential harassment but you may not have enough to substantiate that charge. The men may even be oblivious to how annoying their ''looks'' can be.
If the ''looks'' escalate into something worse than ''looks'' then that is inappropriate behaviour THAT should be drawn to the attention of the HR people as sexual harassment is illegal and can cost a company a lot of money.
In any case what you wear to work ought to be appropriate and professional AND acceptable to your taste, not frumpty and boring.
You already have your own style of dressing and you are comfortable with it. So no problems in that area according to your values and attitudes.
If the men are not treating you seriously and are making you feel undervalued and trivialized then perhaps a change of job to a more enlightened work place might be the solution.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 February 2015):
 I'd enjoy while you can, trust me the day will come when your husband will start looking younger than you. Men kind of plateau at a certain point, where as when a women hits menopause it all goes downhill in a hand basket.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2015):
Do you WANT to dress frumpy? If not, I would tell them to GROW UP next time any of them mention how "young" you look and be firm that HOW you look is due to STELLAR genetic and has no bearing on your qualification, work input or anything else WORK related.
I bet you that will NIP it in the bud.
As for the boss leering.. EWW Ignore it.
IF your own "distinct personal style" if WORK appropriate, I see NO reason for you to all of a sudden dress like a frump.
I'm 45 can easily go for a 28-35 year old (according to several males in our social circle) I even had my oldest daughter's teacher tell me that he was surprised I was so "young" (I think he presumed, I had been a teen mom) - So I know there are people who think looking young = being young which = not knowing stuff or in your case = let's hit on her!
I don't think MALES (at least not all males) are aware of HOW INAPPROPRIATE it is for them to treat you like some walking piece of meat, no matter your AGE or LOOKS.
I read an article the other day about street harassment (not quite what you are going through, but still relevant). How MANY men thought it was totally OK to whistle at a woman, tell her she look hot, good enough to eat, what a great ass or other not "real" compliments. That women should just TAKE it as a compliment. Even some women were on that boat.
BUT reality is, the BIGGEST predator of women... ARE men. SOME of the biggest DANGERS women face in our lives comes from men. And telling someone that you just REDUCED her to a SLAP of meat, tells you that they do NOT see you as a person... but prey.
This is why I DO think you need to nip this in the bud.
Doesn't mean you have to give a feminist speech or "leave Britney alone" drama fest, but simply state that you ARE aware that you have a youthful look, but that is HAS nothing to do with your work, and that you are THERE to work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): You should see if you can visit a makeover place and ask them if there's a certain way of doing your makeup that could make you look closer to your age, but that you like and still suits you :)
As for the job, consider sticking around for a few months to see if it dies down, if not (after a couple of weeks), approach HR about it, and leave after a few months of it doesn't stop.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): Hi I know exactly how you feel. Im 36, coming up to 37, and I look about 17. Its a real curse and one which I hate so I know how it feels to be "blessed" with young looks. Dressing like a frumpy mom may make you look even more innocent - like a girl whos parents insist she doesn't grow up kind of thing. Experiment with hair and make up and different looks and see what works, Im sure the ladies on here can give advice about that better than me LOL. But I do sympathise really I do. At work looking young is really awkward - especially when you have a lot of experience yet people assume your some inexperienced youngster with it all to learn. You say you have your own style, but maybe that needs to be turned around a bit to see if it helps? Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): I am your age & look younger too, so I do empathize.
Dress however you feel comfortable and in what is appropriate at the time. If you are in fact wearing clothes that you would normally see on teenagers, maybe you should branch out and try to dress more like a stylish adult; this does not mean "frumpy".
You're hot, deal with it. Be thankful that you look young and take the comments as they are meant - as compliments! Stop being so butthurt about them & say "thank you". Time will eventually eliminate this annoyance from your life, I promise.
If someone is staring or being inappropriate towards you, please tell them to stop because it makes you uncomfortable. This is a different issue from your youthful looks. This is a problem with the person who is acting creepy towards you.
Bring the issue up with HR if you are being marginalized at work due to your gender. Make sure you keep record of all the times you are harrassed or overlooked for a project or promotion.
best of luck.
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