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51-59,
*xio
writes:Hi, I have been reading different questions on this site for a few weeks. I see that there are a lot of teen age dating and sex questions.Teen age, while being most enjoyable, is also the most risky and stupid time. It is the time when one can make or break the rest of one's life. Looking back on those years when one is older, one can see how foolishly one acted. And, if a girl gets pregnant at 15, 16, 17 or 18...well, it can only be termed tragic. Because she had it for the rest of her life. Yet I see many Auts advising the teens to 'do their thing' or preaching 'to each his own', seldom advising them not to indulge in such things at such young age. There is time for everything in life and teens are not the years to be dating or having sex.My question is, why are the parents or elders unable to stop this underage dating and sex thing? Why does the law and the society not support the parents? Why is there so much emphasis on dating, sex and unbridled freedom in this society? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, axio +, writes (10 September 2009):
axio is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha, so my mistakes are staring me in the face now...I never said I am perfect, or haven't done anything wrong, but I don't try to justify my wrong deeds as right...and obviously don't advise others to do likewise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): lets just not stop at judging underaged sex.............what about lusting after ones wife's sister. surely this is wrong as well.
see morality is just not about one aspect and saying do as i say, not do as i do.
there are many wrongs in our world - yet we selectively "taget" one wrong and condone the others. we are such hypocrites - me included.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): i have to agree with anon. life is about having fun not reading the boring bible 24/7.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): Carrebian Blue: I really don't know what to say to people like u. U seem to believe the ultimate good in life is to enjoy oneself. It is the worst form of utilitarianism western society seems to be based upon. Eat, drink and be merry, right?Why the west despises religion so much is beyond me. What other plausible evidence or reasoning do u have for your own creation? What is your purpose in this world? To enjoy carnal pleasures? Is that it?And at the cost of your child's character building, education and career? Just because you had ample sex in your teens does not mean you subject your child to the same lifestyle just because you think it will be enjoyable and will leave your kid more satisfied.Carnal pleasures are like itching and scratching. You itch when you scratch and scratch when you itch. And the circle goes on till you have lived most part of your useful life. Life is NOT given to us for having sex in as many ways as we possibly can.Western society today is more degenerated and subhuman than any other society that existed in recent times, mainly because of your mantra of free and unbridled sex.Look at what this doctrine of free sex has given ur society. A family structure that has fallen apart? More number of single mothers than ever known to human society? More number of abortions despite the use of condoms or other contraceptives about which, by the way, everybody is aware but they don't work all the time? An up coming generation that is more wayward than even urs? And worst of all, degenerated minds which are focused on nothing but sex. What a waste of such a beautiful creation, the human being!My views may seem radically conservative to you. But right and wrong are absolute concepts irrespective of our opinions, and practicing right or wrong have their own logical ramifications.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): I would not stop my child from having sex or dating. as I look at it from this perspective. if I can enjoy sex,or anything sexual then so should they. I would not say you are too young or anything like that.what I would do is provide them with condoms and birth control(if I have a daughter).or take them to a family planning clinic if needs be.teach them a little this and that etc.that is what a good parent would do. not plaster their child with religious strudel and whatnot. its a wonder so many teens get pregnant. they don't want to go ask their parents for advice,as they know their parents would be unsupportive etc.I did it all in my teen years.and I mean all. I know more than my mum sexually. I got all the protection I needed alone,but none the less my mum was helpful. not discouraging. and one of the few who doesn't jump to conclusions on age gap relationships(just mentioning).all the above make a good parent. find more parents like that in the world and teens may not get into so much hassle. I was one of the few who didn't need help and was smart enough to go the mile. and handle the mile.but the majority cant. so help them. don't discourage them. after all...they have the right to enjoy what we do. sorry if my answer seems long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): Having the physical ability and natural urges to do something is one thing, and having the responsibility to handle the consequences of it is something else entirely.
It doesn't matter if a 13yo can drive an automobile. It doesn't matter if a 13yo can physically handle carrying a firearm in public. The rest of us in this society do not feel that it's morally acceptable to hold a 13yo responsible for all the problems and risks that driving an automobile or carrying a gun brings with it. Therefore, we cannot let them take on these risks and responsibilities yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Hi, I am the OP. I must admire Rhytmnblues2. Shows there is a big chance of recovery with such beautiful minds still out there. The more common this awareness becomes among parents and teens, the less socially acceptable underage dating and sex will become.From some of the answers, it appears people do recognize the problem but seem to think they are helpless in changing the trends. Believe me, it is not so. You have the power as a parent, teacher or elder. Your child looks up to you for guidance. For a distinction between good and bad. Would you let your toddler go near a burning stove just because she wants to grab the flame? No, because as a parent you know it will burn her, and at that age she does not know it. When the same child becomes a teenager, she will sure know that flame will burn her. But there are other risks for her at that age, that she may not fully appreciate, but which can leave lifelong scars. So will you just be a silent spectator?I believe our teenagers are very intelligent, sensitive and responsible too. All they need from us elders is a strong sense of what's right and what's wrong. And they do need it. Tell them, they will respect you more.Let me not prolong it, as answer by my friend Rhythm is almost comprehensive. Really appreciate all posters who contributed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Rhythmandblues2, I actually had a response that the moderator in charge of approving posts did not approve of that addressed what Guidance actually meant. Since prolific writing, coupled with researched fact that may instigate further argument is possibly frowned upon here at DearCupid, it was not approved. I may better find another place that would encourage open discussion and constructive debate instead. Therefore, I am going to leave it just that with the article you posted. ^o^
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Additionally, I live in a part of the US, the hearland of the US as a matter of fact that has one of the highest child abuse rates in the country, as well as the highest Meth labs and a fairly high rate of poverty.Just about all child abuse cases are children of single, poverty level young mothers with drug addicted boyfriends, or criminal types hanging around. This is the face of teenage pregnancy in this part of the country. I am sorry, it just is, it is not about personal freedom, it is the sad truth of the matter that the ones who pay for irresponsibility as parents and teens are the children.This is so wrong....I don't give a damn about the personal freedoms of teenagers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): My Parents set rules, they were not rigid and controlling, they encouraged me to develop my own interests and skills, I was expected to continue my education beyond high school and this was to be my first priority, not having a boyfriend. I was not allowed to go on a date until I was 16, and I was a junior in high school when I turned 16. As a result I managed to graduate high school a virgin, did not get pregnant out of wedlock or contract any STD's let alone the one that can give a girl cervical cancer. I also, managed to carry those values into college and I did not flunk out or become promiscous although I did fall in love and had sex at around the age of 20. By today's standards that is soooo old, there are 11 year olds having sex, 13 year olds having babies, all because parents don't set boundaries and actually encourage teens to have adult experiences in the name of personal freedom.I can't see how my personal freedom was compromised by waiting to have sex, but instead it was enhanced by allowing me to focus on my real goals and avoid something that could have changed the course of my life in a very negative way.No one can stop underage sex, but it seems to be at an all time high as well as teen pregnancies, std's, child abuse, etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): MALAY | ENGLISH Here Meow is generally what I am talking about, Kids need Boundaries, They Need their Parents to be in Charge, and they need Discipline, Not just Guidance Alone Article Copied: How parents alienate their teenagers None of us set out with the intention to alienate our teenagers. We all want to be good and effective. We all want to be good and effective parents. The reality however, is that we are only human and therefore capable of making mistakes. What’s important is that we identify these mistakes and understand some of the common ways we alienate our teenagers. This will help us avoid some of the common pitfalls and build a batter relationship with our youngsters. This is the single most common way to alienate your teenagers. Rigid parents are so strict with their teenagers that their children often have to lie about where they go and who they go and who they are with for fear of igniting their parents’ anger. Such parents feel insecure unless they are in control all the time. They don’t trust their teenagers to do anything on their own. Such parents act as though they are platoon commanders directing, instructing and threatening when their children fail to comply. They rule with iron fist.What Teenagers Need Rigid parents fail to understand that teenagers need freedom to grow and learn, and to make decisions and choices of their own. Teenagers need parents who can guide them and give them space to make mistakes occasionally, not rigid parents who control them in everything they do. Such rigidity can crush their will power. Don’t Worry about the Way You Communicate When parents communicate to teenagers in cold, harsh tones, they can easily distance themselves from their teenagers. How often have you uttered word like these ?Because I told you so, that’s why.Why don’t you act your age?Just wait till your father gets home.Do I have to do everything for you?You’ll never amount to anything. Parents can also alienate teenagers when they passive communication. Here parents don’t say much at all and rarely seize the opportunity to enter into a meaningful conversation with their teenagers. Instead they answer with yes, sounds good, or oh, that’s terrible!. They also seldom allow their teens to discuss and reason with them. Opportunities to encourage their teenagers to open up and talk about issues like drugs and premarital sex are lost on these parents. What Teenagers Need Teenagers need to hear and see from parents the things that are closest to their hearts - messages of love, limits, grace, tolerance, respect and understanding. They need parents to provide an open environment that welcomes and includes them as active participants in meaningful communications. They need parents to listen to their problems. They want to be able to discuss, reason and express their feelings and view. They don’t need parental nagging! Don’t Worry About Setting Boundaries and Limits This is yet another common way to alienate your teenagers. Parents become permissive when they believe that teenagers are old enough to decide everything for themselves. They allow their youngsters to do whatever they please, letting them bear the consequences of their action. Permissively can also arise when parents don’t want to get into constant fights or arguments with their teenagers. They then let go of their control and guidance. Permissive parents think they get along better with their teenagers who love them for not being strict. What Teenagers Need Many parents think that teenagers would prefer to have pushover or permissive parent. The truth is that such parents confuse their teenagers by not providing the guidance, accountability and structure they so desperately need. While it is true that teenagers need greater latitude in making choices and decisions on their own, they still want their parents to be around to lend them support in times of need. Teenagers need parents in the background to guide them and help them say no to peer pressure. They want limits and boundaries that are consistent and considerate. Forget About Discipline When They Break Rules Parents who don’t discipline or correct their teenagers when they break rules are actually saying they don’t care. When parents show a ”no care” attitude, they build a barrier in their relationship with their teenagers. Not only have the teenagers not learned good behaviors, they take their problems elsewhere since their parents don’t care whether they are good or bad. Hence, the parent-teenager relationship becomes cool and distant. Parents who don’t take an interest to correct their teenagers’ misbehaviors face the consequence of alienating them. What Teenagers NeedWhile discipline is painful at times, teenagers still want their parents to enforce their correcting prerogative. In fact, teenagers feel secure from knowing that their parents care enough for them to discipline them, or withdraw their privileges when they do wrong. They feel secure in their parent’s love. Don’t Worry About Building Self-Esteem. One very easy way to alienate your teenager is to destroy his self-worth. Parents who do not encourage or build up their teenagers’ abilities and potential, but instead tear down their self-confidence and self-worth are hurting the parent-child relationship. Many parents don’t encourage their teenagers for fear that the more attention a child receives, the more he wants. This however misconception. In fact, just the opposite is true. The “don’t give too much, because they’ll just want more” approach actually communicates a tremendously alienating message. Many parents are also guilty of criticizing and magnifying the negative aspects of their teenagers, and even of name calling. This often destroys the teenagers respect for both himself and his parents. What Teenagers Need Teenagers need parents who show confidence and trust in allowing them to take a little more control of their lives. They need parents allow them to experience their potential, understand their limits, and enjoy their talents. They need encouragement when they fail or when they don’t measure up to their own or their parents expectations. They need to be uplifted, not crushed! You Should Never Let Them Grow Up Such parents feel that their teenagers still neeeeed them! They find it hard to relinquish the reins just yet. Hence, they still insist on choosing their teenagers’ clothes, career and friends. Frequently, these controlling parents ignore or discount their teenagers feelings. They tend to be overprotective, smothering their teenagers in the process. Teenagers are not allowed to grow in independence may rebel against their parents. What Teenagers Need Adolescents need to be giving a chance to flap their wings and become airborne on their own. They may forget they have wings if they continually find themselves grounded securely under their parent’. Teenagers need to experience their own limits and boundaries in increasing amount as they mature and earn their parents’ trust. They need to increase their skills, in decision-making and choice making. While teenagers should be given sufficient room to grow, they will still need their parents’ support and encouragement throughout the growing up process. This secret to successful parenting is to fully understand the common ways we alienate our teenager. When we know what our teenagers need, and how to improve our relationship with them through better communication. I’m confident that parent’s will not only become more effective, but that they will derive more enjoyment from the teenager-rearing experience. (The teenagers will also enjoy you more!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Also, one more thing. (Sorry moderators)I never assumed that anyone here would literally imprison their children. My words were directed into the ether. As if two people in speech is directing the ideal at each other, but the content at a generalized 'audience'. When it comes down to it, we can never truly express our intent in a way that the other party can absolutely perceive correctly, when tone, physical expression and form is missing. Many good natured parents will do whatever they feel is in the best interest of their children, based on their own upbringing and experiences. The few that actually allow their children more freedom to experience life BY GUIDING them may have the early ability to learn about personal responsibility, consideration towards others and recognizing the need of others before the greed of oneself.-----Rhythmandblues2, do not be so bold to assume my intent. I address your comments, but directing my thoughts to the general audience. You are not wrong in your beliefs, ideas and preferences, but you should give it more consideration to the ideals of others, especially when we try to address the balance between freedom and guidance for those that seek it and even to those that reject it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): accountable you are absolutely right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Meow, I am not going to get into a discussion with you about this, your concept of restricting and imprisoning are different than what I am referring too.
Religion is a part of it when you are talking about Christians, which the US was founded on, I realize we have all this Eastern influence now that is so zen and laisze fair attitudes about parenting. You stick to your plan and see how well that works for you. I never said anything about not explaining things to young people or said not to guide them, but your concept of guiding them is to just give them the information and let them figure it out for themselves, I have a more foundation than just information, I have some life goals, some values and principals and don't teach entitlement as a way of life.
You will not understand what I am referring to, so I am not even going to try with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Rhythmandblues2, you can't stop a child from having sex, unless you DO imprison them literally, or through a fundamental view of religion, or through traditional means, such as literally punishing them.
As elders, parents, leaders, mentors and peers, we must help them understand the pros and cons. Otherwise, just simply telling them "no" will not deter them. Indeed, as far as financial and emotional stability goes, most of the cases that come here with pregnant teenagers lack that, but what else could you do other than say "no" or lock them up in their room or forcing them to believe in your reality?
You can't force someone to believe and live in a 'reality' without having them experience it first. Indeed, at our advance ages, we have experienced or at least, witness that experience and wish that the young ones will not fall into such a trap, but that is the fallacy of human beings. We can only either enforce our ideals onto others and somehow restrict their experiences, or guide them.
I rather guide them, then to simply say, "You're wrong. You're too young. You're not ready. You're not allowed to do it."
Her: "Why dad? I believe I am ready!"
Me: "No, you're too young."
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It doesn't go anywhere.
Like all things, we try to help them understand through reflection, the experiences of others and show them the facts of life. I would not mind at all in introducing my children to my friends whom became pregnant at their teenage years. They could tell them the hardships of raising children at an early age, tell them how difficult it was to cope that they miss out on many things, how they could not easily experience what life and the world had to offer.
It is not so easy when their bodies react so strongly towards their needs and wants. Ultimately, if they really want to, they will. Not only would we offer them advice, but we would also offer them the 'ultimate end'. I rather them practice safe sex than sex without that guidance.
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reader, axio +, writes (3 September 2009):
axio is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, it is good to see most of the posters do recoginze teenage dating and sex as a problem, although methods for dealing with it may be diverse, from outright restrictions to better understanding and provision of a controlled environment.
When I went to UK for first time, there were signs on escalators that said 'stand on right'. In my country, people would care hoots for such signs. But there, if u stood on the left, everybody shot u with such disapproving look, that u would automatically move to the right:) my point is, social pressure has a very important role in shaping individual attitudes.
I have not suggested anywhere the use if chains or prison cells. I firmly believe that teenagers today are smarter and much more aware than I was in those years. Yet, if you look around, lack of commitment in adult relationships comes from entering sexual (or leading to sex) relationships prematurely.
And @Accountable, that is partially to tell you my view point.
Teenage relationships don't teach you how to stay in relationships in your mature life, they teach you how to fall out of them. Forget about our and your generation. I don't look down upon teen agers but look up to them. They are the future of society unlike us, who are fast turning into its past. Believe me, you will have a lot of kissing and stuff to do after you turn 21 or older, and also, sex is not some complex mathematical equation or a test for which you need to prepare for years, it is our natural instinct and comes sponteneously. Why not in teens? Well because it is simply not the time. Practical life is not a joke and most of the relationships formed in teen years are likely to evaporate with the first heat of practical life. In your case I sincerely wish you and your boyfriend all the best and hope you will be together for ever. Unfortunately, this fails to generalize, as evident all around in your society, among your friends and elders.
As for individual freedom, of course it is important. But what kind of freedom leaves a 15 years old with a baby or an abortion to handle without the person responsible for it? Even if it happens in 10 percent of the cases, can such freedom be justified? Is sex the essence of life? The ultimate good? What is underage dating preparing us for? Underage sex?
Please do not think I am for putting chains on kids. No. They cannot be blamed. And Genseng here has some very good advice. It is by opening up with kids, by telling them that what they feel is very natural, but they need to handle it well, hold it until its the right time, which is after they have made their future secure, have grown mature and are ready to enter a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): Big questions indeed. Ones I've been struggling with since my daughters were born.
There's a part of me that would have loved to keep my girls cloistered and safe until they're 21. Never have them exposed to the seamier things in the world, never have to worry that some hormone-crazed boy will persuade them to do something they don't really want to do. I joked that when they hit puberty I'd start making their clothes myself, out of burlap sacks.
I had the example of my father. He told his daughters that they would wait until they were married, and restricted their freedom considerably. Then one day ca. 1960 his eldest daughter came home and said she was pregnant at 16. He called her every vile thing he could think of, and she was shipped off to a relative who lived far away to carry, in disgrace, the child to term and give it up for adoption. Although it's not discussed, I can't help but think my sister is quite emotionally damaged as a result.
In today's much more permissive society, I'd have to be a vastly more restrictive parent than my father ever was if I wanted to cocoon my girls.
It comes down to what your ultimate objective is as a parent. My objective is to have them enter adulthood as healthy, happy, and productive individuals. I've concluded that getting there, in this society, means takings some risks along the way. Risks in the form of dating, risks in the form of enough freedom to result in mistakes. I've shared with them our values around sex (that it's better to wait), and tried to make as much information as possible available to them about risks (STDs, pregnancy, etc.).
If they make some mistakes along the way, but nothing that does permanent damage, then they'll be the wiser for the experience. If I can be supportive after the fact, then I can help reduce the emotional impact of mistakes. But one way or the other I can't prevent them from making them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): The main faulty thinking of the posters who say let kids do whatever is two fold. They live in an ivory tower of ideals and not in the real world where there is still right and wrong, where there are very real consequences for underage sex and a general lack of values. It doesn't have anything to do with backyard abortions, I am all for the a woman's right to choose, I am all against people thinking abortion is the answer to unwanted life and pregnancy.
I don't know any teenagers who are financially equipped by the way to fully support a child and also themselves and achieve some educational and career goals for themselves or at least those things are delayed, not without assistance or having been born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
I am not for imprisoning children and teens to keep them from having sex. I am not against giving them the answers to their questions about sex, what I am against is the firm belief that people should be able to do what ever they want without any consequences because they aren't hurting anyone (says who). I admire teens that do fall pregnant and handle it with all the responsibility they can muster, however, it would be sooo much better for our society that they were able to put sex on hold until they have achieved their goals of being a self sufficient adult and able to take care of themselves fully and financially...otherwise you and I help pay for all the government programs to take care of all of this lack of personal responsibility and it is not even about that financial strain, really....it leads to all sorts of problems, child abuse, unwanted children in foster care, burdens on grandparents who thought they were done raising children and now have financial burdens at a time when they are less able to earn and save....some stories end happily, many more do not.
I think it is very self centerd to claim since I am young I am better off having adult experience without the ability to handle the adult consequences without affecting any one else, it does affect everyone else more often than not.
I mean the world is not going to end because teens have sex, they are hormonal and it happens. But the fact remains human beings are seperated from animals because we have the ability to think and to make the smart choices about having sex and when to have it....that is what we all are missing here. Making the best choices for our life and our unborn children.
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reader, Accountable  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 As a sexually active teen i can only say I'm happy you arent my parent!
People say the teens arent the years to be discovering things like dating and sex, but if you don't experiment (sensibly) whilst young, how are you meant to develope skills in these areas? Early experiences are vital to shaping what sort of adult you become, and as young adults i believe it is necessary we have these experiences to a degree. Why should we be so sheltered from adult communications that young girls never learn how to speak to/deal with boys? I firmly believe that if people weren't allowed to make their own mistakes as teenagers - experience "heartbreak", awkward first kisses and the likes - they would be thoroughly unprepared for the adult equivalent of these things. We learn from them and grow from them - as you yourself admitted, we can look back and see "how foolishly one acted". Teenage relationships arent about getting everything right; theyre about learning the basics and making sure foolish acts are committed whilst teens when it doesnt matter, instead of made as adults when it does, as far as I'm concerned.
As for the "unbridled freedom" in society, i again strongly stand by the liberalist attitude. Many of my friends have grown up in homes where they have been sheltered; sent to all-girl schools, not allowed to watch sexual scenes in tv programmes, and generally opressed by uptight parents. Instead of blindly accepting their parents attitudes, these friends have rebelled, many "gone off the rails" by your judgement; turning to alcohol and boys in excess because they have been deprived of these things before. Conversely, i have been granted relative freedom by my parents, been allowed to go out and experience the world in my own way, and at 17 i am in a committed relationship, which includes (safe) sexual devotion to my wonderful partner.
I understand why people of the older generation look down on ours with condemnation; teenage pregnancies, alcohol abuse, and so on, seem prevalent and unique to our generation. But this is not strictly the case - backstreet abortions have been common throughout history, the only difference is that now its safer because strict religious values which condemn it have been lifted, allowing people to obtain them in a safe way. Of course i am not condoning teenage pregnancy - i am of the general opinion that its foolish, although that being said there are many teenage couples who make much better parents than those in the older generation. And ultimately if two teenagers in a secure relationship decide that they would be truly devoted to making a childs life rich, and are in a sufficient financial state to do this, why shouldnt they?
I recognise, again, that there are some in my generation who let us down, but this is true of all cross-sections of society, and should not be a reason to encourage mass-repression (as you seem to be endorsing). Liberation is a wonderful privilege; without it, we would be nothing bu robots following a code set by society, and what kind of life would that be for anyone?
Please feel free to comment back and pick apart my position; i welcome the chance to understand yours a little more clearly.
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reader, sunshinek  +, writes (3 September 2009):
As a young adult who recently experienced this, I think the answer is simple. Parents can't really STOP anything. Teens (and people in general) will inevitably do what they want, and the harder someone tries to stop them, the more effort they will put into figuring out how to do it. Like rhythmandblues said, we live in a crazy world and it's just a fact that sexuality is glorified in our everyday lives. I think the best remedy is to educate your children, rather than simply telling them NO! Sit down with them and talk about sex and what consequences can result from having sex before you're emotionally ready. Let them know that as a parent, you're there for them no matter what and realize that it is their decision in the end. And instead of alienating your teen during what is already a tough time in their lives, make them understand that they can come to you about anything. I strongly believe that teens aren't as stupid or irresponsible as we like to think they are and with guidance and support, they are very capable of making mature decisions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): "That they're unexplained 'reasoning' is the most correct one." - error in "they're" should be "their".
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): ++Yet I see many Auts advising the teens to 'do their thing' or preaching 'to each his own', seldom advising them not to indulge in such things at such young age.++
Rain is meant to fall from the skies, whether you like it or not. Rivers are meant to flow into lakes and oceans, whether you like it or not. Lava can melt stone, burn forests, cast fear and awe upon any living creature, whether you like it or not.
A baby will cry, if it needs something it cannot attain. Your stomach will gurgle if you are hungry. A teenager will exercise their freedom to indulge, even if you tell them not to.
As elders, parents, leaders, peers and mentors, telling someone else to stop would yield rarely a good reason for any teenager to stop. Instead, they will be tempted to experience. With this understanding in place, as elders, parents, leaders, peers and mentors, we can assume that guidance is what these teenagers need.
It is easy to tell a child the answers to all his/her homework questions. However, that does nothing to actually teach them why it is the way it is or what makes it the way it is. As elders, parents, leaders, peers and mentors, we have to open their thoughts up, help broaden their world, light the spark to connect them with the various aspects around them.
My 12 year old cousin often calls me and asks me a myriad of questions about school, his homework, his classmates, his BMX biking, games, ideas, life. In one sitting, I could spend 3 hours just speaking with him, asking questions, answering questions, etc.
What they need is understanding. By offering objectivity, as well as the pros and cons, self-reflection, literal examples and to help them think for themselves through our guidance, we can further achieve comprehension and possibly, personal responsibility on their part. Unfortunately, much of this has to do how the community around them influences them.
For example, I recently answered an inquiry on whether a 20 year old boy will get in trouble with dating a 14 year old girl. I had 'attacked' a poster there with her inability to offer 'better' advice, when she had offered judgmental opinion instead. She private messaged me, warning me that I should instead concentrate on my own 'advice', rather than attacking others with 'snippy' remarks. I answered her that as members and as part of common society, we should offer objectivity and open mindedness, as well as multi-option guidance when we deal with people that need the aid of others.
What I am getting at here is that it is people that make the individuals scared to do the things they want to achieve, even if their hearts are in the right place, even if their minds and their sincerity is in the right alignment. It is no doubt that humanity can never progress beyond our primitive state, because the bulk of humans are so self-righteous in their beliefs. That they're unexplained 'reasoning' is the most correct one. That they are right and the rest of us are wrong. That the world is in two shades - dark and light.
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Parents 'should not' stop underage sex. Parents *should* teach them, help them understand, give literal examples, explain to them in detail the pros and cons.
My 12 year old cousin had on various occasions asked me about girls, sex, masturbation, making babies and guess what? After having him understand the various factors, he came to me again, summarizing his thoughts. He told me that he has come to a time when he has started masturbating and thinking about girls, but understand that the wrong move can ruin his life. I said to him, "Most teenagers go through the period of wanting to have sex, but unfortunately, so many get their lives filled up at such an early age due to pregnancy, health issues, unending drama. Your world ahead is far and reaching."
He told me his dreams, his goals, what he wanted to do. He tells me that some of his classmates talk about sex and are perverted. He tells me that he thinks they are fools. I often ask him, "Do you have a girlfriend yet?" - as a joke. He always says no, but sometimes makes references in liking a girl. He always ends up saying, "I know what you're thinking! I'm not thinking of having sex until I am old enough."
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Indeed, the only real way to stop anyone from doing what they want to do, is to imprison them. What do you think is the lesser 'evil'? Imprison them with religion, literally, with daily arguments without explanations or judgmental 'reasoning', with traditional and outdated ideals, OR acknowledging their curiosity, their puberty, their fresh young minds and help guide them in detail.
I rather spend hours, days, months and years with constant 'prodding' of thinking for oneself, with multiple questions that can yield multiple answers, than to enforce a singular ideal on them.
Forcing a ball into the shape of a triangle, is very uncomfortable at best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): I don't think it has anything to do with being old or new school but it has to do with knowing and believing what is right. Leaving religion aside, can this be denied that teen years shape what kind of person one is going to become? Is it high or low character to expose one's body or to act in a seducing way? Does a sexual relation inthese years not distract a child from what he or she is supposed to do at that time?
Yet, the peer pressure and social set up encourages young girls and boys to go looking for sex and lose there virginity before being ridiculed.It is simply illogical.
Where I live, we are a conservative society, although may be we have more ills than western society.But most of the times parents have control over the kids and they are not allowed to go out with oppoite sex. This is the main reason the system of family remains intact . However, as western society is considered more advanced, our kids are also affected by media and the western ideals of individual freedom which inevitably leads to free sex.
The question is tagged as 'big question' and I can foresee not many people may respond. But I do hope some sanity is imported into this scene. We are not looking to change the world, but even one individual benefits from it, for me it's done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): Also, a big problem for many girls is they are not encouraged to have goals for themselves, there role models are disrespectful teens and skanky looking celebrities and at a very young age, girls learn how to look sexy, even if they don't understand it....their parents do not guide them in the right direction, they aren't diligent enough, they don't care enough to know who their daughter's friends are, what sort of activities she is into, nothing...they use the TV as a babysitter and don't engage their kids....some parents have substance abuse problems, there are all sorts of bad parents out there and it makes it harder for the ones who do care, but not impossible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): I hear you, you sound so old school so old fashioned just like me!
I would not want to be raising kids today and I was a teen during the late seventies when there wasn't the risk of Aids, and we had just come through the free love era of the hippies and I managed to remain a virgin until I fell in love at around 20/21 and the way my parents did it was to put the fear of God in me. I would have been mortified to disrespect my parents, but more than that I was raised in church and a very liberal church at that, but we had some clear sense of right and wrong and respect for our own bodies as the temple of our soul. I am not a very religous person, nor am I knowledgeable about the Bible, but I do love human beings and feel sad for kids who are sucked in by the culture of a me first society and the culture of sex is power, etc.
It is very self destructive, and shame and negative consequences have been taken out of almost all of our behavior. Without those things then having a conscious takes a back seat to bad behavior....it is a very crazy world we live in and sadly we are paying the consequences as a society, but the individual is scott free.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): I think you've fallen in to the trap of believing that there is some kind of global derogation of social morals.
Your mistake lies in confusing the removal of sex being a taboo with therefore sex becoming meaningless. It seems to me that when sex amd dating is open to be discussed, it is so naturally. When sex was a taboo, it still went on, only people were shamed in to never speaking out about their experiences - that doesn't seem quite right to me.
You seem to suggest that parents or elders are responsible for stopping underage dating and the "sex thing" as you put it, however I think you'd find people, of any generation, more or less go through the same experiences of growing up and at the same years in their life.
It's all too easy to blame society has having lost its way, and point your finger at some group to blame, but if you look deeper in to the nature of society you can see that when it comes to people, and groups of people, that nothing is black and white and you can't just form an opinion on such a huge part of human nature so indiscriminately.
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reader, stebbinschick +, writes (3 September 2009):
This has been going on for decades and decades. Just now it is getting worse. There is only so much supervision that a parent can provide. You don't want to smother your kids, that will just push them away even more. If parents have a close relationship with their parents or caretaker, then the adult is able to advise in this area. I would rather my child be able to come to me with any problems, rather than not. You can only prevent so much as a parent. You can't stop a child from growing up, and honestly it is not always the parents fault for a mistake a child or teenager has made.
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