A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I feel like my marriage is really in trouble and we have only been married a year. We married later in life and he has grown children from a previous marriage. They are his top priority. He makes sure their needs are met even though they are all better off financially than we are. He has no plans or goals for us. We are living in the house he lived with his ex and raised his kids in. The house needs maintenance but it's not on the agenda. We owe more on the house than it's worth since he and his ex wife cashed out the equity on it about three times during their 20 year marriage. It's still in good shape but needs painting, some new fixtures, etc. We can't afford it and it's too much work, according to my husband. Yet, we managed to give a son a high ticket birthday gift and if they need help on maintaining their homes, they call Dad and he is on his way with a load of tools before they get the phone hung up.His kids are nice to me, but they are not teaching their children to respect me. The grandkids expect me to wait on them hand and foot and will not even give up their seat for me after I've spent all day cooking for them and doing the dishes. In fact, the other day, my husband's six year old grandson told me he couldn't see the television for me while I was rummaging through something on a table near the chair that always set in. This was while there were no other chairs available in the room and after I had finished the dishes from cooking their meal. When they got ready to leave, someone said something to him about telling Grandma goodbye. He said, "That's not my grandma!"I've had it with the sacrificing and the disrespect! My husband will not talk to me about any of this. I've tried!!! Is there any saving this marriage? I don't mind compromising but I will not be used as a door mat! Is there a way to take control of this "out of control" situation without walking away from it????????
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (3 September 2009):
 You need to have a serious talk with him. If anything, his kids should be there fixing your house up not the other way around.
The other thing is, the grand kids have to figure that you are not a slave, but the woman their grandfather has decided to spend the rest of his life with. Therefore, they are required to respect you. Its that simple.
Its hard to bond with strangers, but I think if you let some of the little things roll off your back and kindly remind the grandkids that you are trying to be considerate of them, and it should be mutual, maybe they won't talk back to you.
Its all how you treat them. If they treat you badly, you should not have to go out of your way to make them feel comfortable. If they treat you well, then its not a problem doing nice things for them.
Its a 2 way street.
I don't see any other issue there, other than your house having deferred maintenance. That could be resolved quickly by looking at your husband and telling him it needs to be "de-shabbified".
A
female
reader, sunshinek +, writes (3 September 2009):
Hi. I'm 23 years old, and my dad recently remarried, so I can understand both sides of the situation. I don't particularly like my new stepmother, but I'm not a disrespectful person, so while I'd never treat her badly, I'm not trying to bond with her either. I think that you should realize that it's acceptable for your husband to make his children his priority. They are, after all, his children. Sorry to say it, but wives can come and go, his children are his forever and it's important for him to keep a bond with them and his grandchildren. You say that you're tired of being a doormat, so stop. Since your husband won't discuss this with you, or say anything to his children/grandchildren, say something yourself. You're an adult and they are children and there's nothing wrong with letting them know so. Stop letting them walk all over you, stop doing things for them, do whatever you have to (within reason) until they realize that you're not going anywhere and they might as well accept you, or get over it. Above all, treat them with respect despite how they treat you, because I guarantee that's the best way to earn their respect and trust. Children can be difficult anyway, so they will likely warm up to you with more time. Even if your husband won't talk to you about the situation, voice your opinion to him. He will hear you, even if he doesn't respond. Don't let this one thing come between you and the man you love. His children/grandchildren aren't in your home 24/7 so if you have to deal with a little turmoil sometimes, man up and take it. You took vows to love him for better or for worse and if this is as worse as it gets, you have it good. Honor your vows, and work it out. Stand up for yourself!
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