A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need some honest feedback here, especially from the men out there. I seem to have this pattern in my life which completely confounds and confuses me and I really need to find out why it keeps happening. I am beautiful, smart, sexy, kind, open loving woman. My friends tell me I turn heads all over town. I NEVER have a problem getting a date. However, I haven't had a serious relationship in years. I meet a great guy, we date for 2 or 3 months and i think everything is going great. They act like they are SO into me. Then suddenly they just freak out and disappear. And it's not like they sit me down like mature grown ups and say look, you are wonderful but I met someone else, or I'm just not feeling it, or whatever their reason. I NEVER get a reason. All I get is this confounding silence. If I call, they don't call back. I rack my brain to think of whatever "chick" thing I might have done to freak them out and I can't think of anything. I didn't pressure them. I don't think I'm clingy or needy or negative. Everything seems happy and fun, then BAM. The last one dumped me via text message, literally told me I was wonderful but he needed time to think. Said he'd call but never did. I REALLY need some insight here. What makes men behave this way? Is it me? Is it them? Am I dating emotionally crippled cowards or are ALL men like this? Does this happen to ALL women or is it just me? I just can't go through this again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2015): I came across a quote today that read "No response is a response." Sometimes we look for answers that we can understand to justify why we've been rejected.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 June 2009):
 A friend of mine is a beautiful, intelligent, fit and tech savvy woman who hasn't had a boyfriend in 9 years. She's getting desperate and that is all that emanates from her right now. Desperation. She's also one of the lousiest listeners I have ever met. She lives in her own head and poses countless unanswerable sweeping questions, like "Why are all the guys on the East Coast so into themselves?" and "Why are all the guys in California so shallow?" Then spend literally hours discussing them and pondering these idiotic questions. And wonders why she can't keep a man interested for very long. She'll meet them, and date them, but after a short while, poof, they are gone.
I would like to engage her in a conversation to give her some help in this, but she doesn't see this as a problem with her, she sees it as a problem with the rest of the world. Until she gets that *aha* moment, and looks to herself for the glitch, she's doomed to endless disappointment.
I don't know if any of this applies to you, but please let us know if you are listening by answering Ask oldersister's questions. She is trying to help you. She is taking time out of her day to sit and think about your question, and you are completely ignoring her. I wonder if this is what is happening to your men?
Take care, hope to see a good followup from you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just got dumped via text message by a guy I showed nothing but respect, kindness and affection to. I'm feeling heartbroken and disrespected and I'm sure that I am seeing things through a filter right now. Sorry if you felt I was being hostile and retalitory. I wasn't trying to attack you. Just not ready to hear what you have to say I guess. But I appreciate your time and you trying to share what you thought would be helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): You know I think if the common denomenator here is you and men are bailing on you in three months then there may be a problem with you and what you are sending out.
Honestly, you have taken my words and twisted them into the way you see the world. You have taken your filter and completely convoluted and attached hidden meaning in my words. If you do that with the men you see, I understand now why they are bailing on you. You are hostile, self absorbed and are not connecting with them or trusting them, in short you reject them before they reject you and you are just too much work.
I have none of the disposable attitudes about love and romance nor did I say that men don't care until they get married, I am saying they don't commit. There is a difference. And if you don't get it, I can't help you and now I am sorry I tried.
I wish you all the best and perhaps therapy would help you better than resolving it to your bad choices in men.
And yes to dump you abruptly after three months is unacceptable, you may be scaring the bejeesus out of these guys and they are afraid of retaliation just like what I got here for trying to help you.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 June 2009):
 I think manners and politeness have taken a backseat in child-rearing in the last few decades. Parents just are not instilling the importance of good manners, consideration, and plain old politeness in their children. Instead of a handwritten thank-you note you are lucky to get a one word text message. Instead of face to face conversations, break ups are over the phone, emailed, or in your case just sudden silence. Just simple rudeness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionR&B... I DO understand your psychology trust me I do. I've read the same books, and have GF's who have explained it all out. I just don't totally buy it and I think, too, it's a bit dangerous to condone this behavior and chalk it up to "boys will be boys".
I'm not talking about commitment and marriage. I don't have any problem with a man moving on. It's the WAY they move on. It's the whole abruptness of the 180 I'm trying to understand. It's the total disrespect and irresponsibility of bailing out without a word that I take issue with.
Men are human beings too. If they date a woman for 3 months and she bails out without a word, they are hurt too. See Alphamale's note. And honestly if this behavior was acceptable then my guy friends and cousins etc. would not be reacting with anger when I tell them what happened.
If you are trying to tell me that men don't feel anything at all until they are ready to get married I don't buy it. If you are trying to tell me that they have some free pass to behave however they want for the first 6 months and they are well within their rights no matter what heartfelt things they have said and done it's all just "dating" and for men it means nothing and we shouldn't let it mean anything to us either -- I'm sorry no way I buy it, and no way do I just let them off the hook like that. Read these boards. It's EXACTLY this "disposable society" behavior that is doing an awful lot of damage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): Well, certainly you have to take care of you first. I don't think you understood my psychology. I was saying you do have to focus on you and what you really want when dating. The first six months are not about commitment with a man so why put all your focus into one relationship entirely and cut yourself off from other men...not suggesting to contort yourself and be a man pleaser, quite the contrary, but it helps if you connect with his heart by being open as well as true to your feelings with him even if it is to tell him something about what he is doing is not OK with you....being authentic. But at the same time not getting off your path to happily ever after and following him around in his confusion or indecision about commiting to that with you, until he decides you are not off the market entirely and he has got to somehow get that.
I think if you think about this you will begin to understand what I am talking about. We women often think that time spent with us with a man and events like meeting his family and friends and first trips mean that he is committing to us. He doesn't see it that way. He sees it as the two of you are just dating....if and until he tells you that you are the one and marriage is on the table, then you are not in a committed relationship, you may have the label of girlfriend, but so what. How many girlfriends does a guy go through before he marries?
He marries the girl he is with when he is ready. Period. What is it that you are looking for? Precisely. So focus on you and what you want and don't fall into the girlfriend trap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. I think perhaps you are right and it's not me, but that it is me in I'm not being careful enough with the men I choose and making sure they are mature and ready. Alphamale I'm so sorry that you have been through this too. It sucks. Nobody likes to be rejected, but I'm mature enough to accept if someone doesn't think I'm the right woman for them or they aren't ready. The part that does the damage is the being abandoned part. One minute you are so special and the next you feel discarded and they can't even talk to you or tell you goodbye. I really wish I could understand what's so hard about just giving someone the respect of saying goodbye gracefully. It must be a maturity thing.
Rhythm & Blues I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I'm sure there is useful information to your psychology but right now I just need to heal myself and I can't go around trying to contort myself to please some man, or be all the things he needs me to be to not "scare him off". Been there, done that and I'm exhausted. Right now I just need to take care of me. I think going forward I am going to go so much slower and really make sure a man is my friend first.
You are all so wonderful. Thank you so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): It can be a lot of reasons, but usually I think it is the inner conflict going on inside the man and not really about you.
Our culture has gone way off from intimacy. People dating now just seem to be looking for immediate connection and excitement and they have some idealized fantasy of the perfect woman for them.
It takes a pretty mature, down to earth, giving man to have the staying power you crave in a relationship. Most men can only sustain a relationship for about 3 months unless you are doing a lot of the connecting and emotional work. You have to remain open and accepting of him on all levels, trouble is when you focus on just one man at a time they aren't really motivated to keep you or do the work to keep you, so I think we women fall into the trap of being a girlfriend.
You have to be strong and let as many men as you can take care of you emotionally and let the right one "step up" and claim you. It will happen, but when you put your focus and energy into just one new relationship at a time, a guy starts thinking that you don't have your own life sometimes and your focus is all on him, that sexy and loving and giving thing that we do.
When all we really need to do is to remain vulnerable and heartfelt on the outside, but strong on the inside, we have to let him know that we are fine with out him, we appreciate and accept him just as he is, but we are sticking to our life's dream of finding our happily ever after with one special man who will stand up and claim us as the ONE.
Ironically, if you don't have yourself too tied to the idea that a relationship will end up in marriage, you end up getting it all by just keeping yourself open and moving down your life's path. He has to know that he can loose you at any time to someone who will make that claim on you....and I am not talking about game playing and making a guy jealous, I am talking about letting him know what you want and what you expect but not neccessarily from him, you act as if you know what he wants and it is you who is doing the choosing not him.
Easier said than done. My mom used to say don't put all of your eggs in one basket because how is your man going to find you.
Here is an article on some common reasons why men leave relationships. It is never one thing.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Surprising-Reasons-Why-Men-Leave-Relationships-(And-How-To-Handle-It)&id=801519
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): I think I'm with alphamale on this because I would say the same thing. It's not "you". Its the guys that aren't man enough or mature enough and get scared and run away, I happen to think a lot of guys are like this because the good ones aren't as open or out there as women would like. But there are good guys out there like alphamale is one and his advice on meeting a better guy is good.
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male
reader, alphamale +, writes (21 June 2009):
Well I read yor question and you're like the female version of me! I consider myself good looking, gym athletic, well dresser, clean, succesful, smart, romantic, honest, responsible. and yet women run away without giving an explanation!!
Well there could be one thing, maybe we're looking in the wrong places, where do you meet these men at? Bars? Pubs? you rarely meet somebody who's worth it in those places. you should meet people at places like the gym, a bookstore, a coffee shop, a library.
the Last GF I had walk out on us without really giving me an explanation of what was going wrong, she never told me she was unhappy or unsatisfied with me, so I really didn't see that one coming, even her own friends come ask me what went wrong becuase they don't even know the reason themselves and they thought we made a good couple. Well for a little while there I was struggling to cope but hey that's just life and it's really her loss, not mine.
I think you should expose more yourself to the places I mentioned above, Bad Guys do not go to bookstores, they don't go to a coffee shops or volunteer at a hospital etc etc. So you got to get out there. best of luck
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 June 2009):
 I can't tell you what the problem is.
I think you should sit one Sunday (maybe this Sunday) and analyze how the relationship went, and when it failed, and why. It doesn't matter that they don't tell you anything when they leave; try to get as much information as you can get yourself. Then think about it. Your post implies that all men think and act the same way, which is not true, but is an easy way to put the blame on others. Maybe they are to blame, but you should make sure about that, because you want to solve your own problem, and you need the truth for that.
Also, think at the kind of deal you're offering this men. I guess this is what Damluvaan had in mind. Do these men feel that you're for real?
Next time you get a date, make sure you inform the person that you're getting to know him, but that, in principle, you would like the relationship to be a lasting and committed one. The very bad guys will be scared away at once :-).
I hope this helps.
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