A
female
age
,
*aige77
writes:i have slept with him off and on for over 30 years. it has been an off and on thing. he was married now divorced and im married. we have loved each other since we have been 19. i saw him a few weeks ago and found out that he has a new woman in his life and when he saw me he hugged me and then after that he was distant. he has never been that way with me ever.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 October 2008):
 Say I have an idea now that you will be having some more free time...why not work on your marriage and get that up to speed?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): I am sure you must be hurting.
Did he arranged this meeting with you to tell you about the other woman?
Why over all these years, specially after his divorce, did you and him not get together? Maybe he moved on because he was tired of waiting for you. You are not giving much information, cannot really give much advice, but do hope you will feel better soon.
Your situation made me think about the words of
KAHLIL GIBRAN
"Love one another, but make no bond of love; Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fil each other's cup, but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): The simple answer to your post is that your friend has finally found a woman who can satisfy all his needs something which his first wife didn't, and in so doing recognises that the intimate arrangement he had with you would endanger this new relationship.
To get a fuller picture you need to ask yourself what type of relationship you had together what need you were supplying in him and what you yourself gained from the relationship. For It is clear from what you say in the post that both of you married individuals who failed to supply your emotional or physical needs, so much so that you needed to engage in a 'friends with benefits relationship'.
As a result what you have to accept is that in continuing to be in a relationship with both his first wife and you he was fulfilling his needs and while that situation continued he was always going to be content. For you I perceive the same was true and that you enjoyed the Status Quo of being married and having this extra-marital close relationship as well.
The obvious question and the biggest conundrum for you to answer is this
"Why when he got divorced, did he not run to you and persuade you to leave your husband for him...if he loved you so much surely you would have been first choice?"
OR
If he did come to you with a protestation of love "why it was you refused to leave your husband for him?"
If you can answer one of those then you are on your way to finding an answer as to why this guy after 30 years has suddenly turned cold towards you.
Finally as I said at the beginning I perceive he has now found someone that fulfils all his needs and the closeness you had has been replaced with something a little more formal. This will seem logical to him as he has his needs met, however a part of you will have just been ripped away and you will be left feeling hurt and confused and less than whole.
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A
male
reader, 1trainer1  +, writes (22 October 2008):
he may be doing it for the women he has met as he doenst want her to get jealous and doesnt want her to have an easy reason on why she would want to leave so early in the relationship.
its kinda understandable due to how women react to you having a close women friend, especially if you are close to an ex
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A
female
reader, epifanatical  +, writes (22 October 2008):
 maybe he still has feelings for you but just doesnt want things to become complicated. esp if he has someone new in his life. There is not much you can do unfortuately, men are such complex creatures when it comes to showing their feelings. At least he wasnt nasty. Just deal with it and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): I am sorry about your pain. I could only guess that he is distant because he knows the strength of your connection and he knows he can be swepped away by it. Maybe he is trying to be monogomous in this new relationship and is just being careful, because he is so attracted to you. I know it is hard, but try and not take it personally, he obviously loves you, otherwise you would not have shared what you have for so many years. Those feelings won't just dissapear. It might be a difficult time for you, but trust in your connection and give him the space he needs right now. You don't know what the future holds, so don't mourn his loss forever. Be strong, if you are able to give him his space now and respect his feelings, you will preserve the love between you. And most importantly, don't take to heart any other negative comments you might get in response to your question. I guess you have to be in a situation like this one to understand..
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