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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Why are men generally more secure in themselves than most women?I mean, I myself am a very insecure female, especially regarding appearance. I always have a bit of an internal freak out when I'm watching TV with my boyfriend and a naked, big breasted girl appears! And many women feel like this regarding their bodies, etc. Like there's always something that makes you go totally insecure! Well, and we often are open about it, especially with other girls.Yet, I notice that guys seem overall way much more confident in themselves. Why is this? They just aren't bothered. They all happily accept that other guys are better looking, smarter, funnier, more romantic, more talented, whatever. They just seem not to mind. Of course there are exceptions though, just like some women are totally confident in themselves (just a few, though).I've noticed this especially in the porn threads. While many women (like me) get really insecure over our SOs watching porn, men just couldn't be bothered that their SOs use giant dildos and such (which I don't use, but you get the idea). When I've talked with my boyfriend about such insecurities, he says he doesn't get why I would get all insecure over a 2D image, that he can't think he'd ever get insecure over me watching muscular guys, or whatever. Not that I do anyway, I honestly have no interest, so I don't know if he's just saying, but I think he's being honest.Well, I was wondering why guys just don't mind about their shortcomings, and insetad focus on their strengths. It's very different from how I feel about myself. Yet it's so inspiring and refreshing. What is your secret guys? Do tell!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Don't confuse confidence with apathy. I don't know about anyone else but I am usually too busy to keep up with trivial things such as what type of jeans makes me look muscular. We put some thought into it, its just far less than girls do.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Because we are great?
And men aren't insecure? Then what about the recent post asking what is better, circumcised or not? The near daily post about whether X" is enough?
But I think you give the answer yourself: " that he can't think he'd ever get insecure over me watching muscular guys, or whatever. Not that I do anyway, I honestly have no interest,"
What you are basically saying, as a woman, is that the looks of a man aren't all that important.
And since so many of your species hooks up with complete assholes, neither is personality.
So basically, what have we got to be insecure about? No matter what we look like, no matter how we behave, women don't seem to care enough to actually refuse.
of course, this isn't true but more or less in our society we have come to accept that the only thing an adult male is judged on is his income and even then no further then "he has one".
While women... well it is very common to judge a woman on her looks even when she is running for president. Look at late night shows and the intro for male and female stars.
As doublem says, most of us guys simply have learned to accept who and what we are and found that the confidence that comes with that is actually the most important attractor of women.
To mis-use an example by Terry Pratchett: The monks of cool.
A male and female apprentice are taking into a large room filled end to end with all sorts of clothing, they are given the task of selecting the coolest outfit.
The woman spends hours, days searching everything, trying to get the perfect combo that is just right!
The man says: "what ever I put on".
The woman looks at the man and goes "oh wow, he is so cool".
The secret? It is to look in the mirror and see your strengths. I swear, you could have a red headed slender white skinned female who freckles with green eyes, look in the mirror and see nothing but problems. Most men by this time are drooling.
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A
female
reader, LaraC  +, writes (24 November 2009):
I'd have to say that it all depends on the context.
Most women (myself included) go through a rough period during their teens when you get a bit insecure about your looks. It's only natural and most grow out of it in a couple of years.
It is unfortunate that women judge themselves so much on looks (something that you can't really do much about without a lot of effort). I happen to be very happy with the way I look but have also realised that true confidence has much more to do with other things that just looks.
A man for instance is much more prone to insecurities regarding wealth, careers, bedroom performance, the size of his penis, how muscular he is etc etc. Whilst women focus mainly on their body size and looks.
Now this may sound a bit harsh but there is nothing more annoying than an insecure friend or partner. Having someone whine and complain about their looks is a complete turn off and ultimately will harm the relationship. If you are unhappy with your looks then change them - go to the gym every day until you get that perfect figure or enlist the help of a plastic surgeon to get bigger boobs, smaller waist, thinner thighs or whatever is bugging you.
In the end you've just got to learn to live with what you've got if you're not going to change it.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (24 November 2009):
I don't think that's true at all. Men just hide it better than women. Women are much more vocal, so of course we complain and compare ourselves. Men are just the same except they don't talk about it. I've known MANY guys that are very insecure. I used to think the same way as you and wondered why guys didn't seem to care or have to care about their appearance the same way that women do. I think women can be also be a bit more nitpicky. As in, "I'm not perfect, therefore I'm horrid" while guys may be insecure about how big their arms, chest, or six pack (or lack thereof) is. Plus women have to worry about hair, makeup, clothing...guys don't have that much to worry about. Like Double M said, what can men do? They have to work with what they have or try to improve. But I don't think that men are more secure than women, they just don't show it like women tend to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Good question! I've always wondered about that myself. I too am very insecure as a woman, to the point where I refuse to watch Transformers with my bf because I know how obsessed he is with Megan Fox. I can't stand the thought of him lusting after another woman while he's physically there with me. I always comment on how hot some guys are yet he doesn't seem to mind that they have a bigger nicer body than his. He does mind, however, when I comment on how rich and successful another guy is. I guess guys put less emphasis on their own appearance and get insecure only when it comes to financial matters or career success. A guy is also more insecure about their bedroom performance than a woman. Point is, there are many things that men are insecure about, but appearance is usually not one of them.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Well, whether you are male or female, there is not much you can do about your appearance beyond good grooming, nice attire and exercising to stay fit. And obviously, many guys do not even waste much time with that.
On the other hand, women have all kinds of makeup, sexy attire and other stuff to make themselves look better than they really are. Few guys, other than Boy George, Mick Jagger, Alice Cooper or Stephen Tyler go that route. We wash and comb or brush our hair and simply live with it. LOL
It seems obvious that many, if not most women are much more obsessed with appearance than men. Men certainly want their woman to look, smell and impress their best, but you are correct that some men seem to be less attentive to those same things. Still, they are reasonably secure with who they are and how they look.
But be sure, we are not usually totally satisfied that we are not best looking. But what can we do?
Or consider the following: Maybe they have given up. Knowing that they are not going to get any better looking, some men just accept who they are and how they look. You can call that security if you wish, but I think it has more to do with accepting what you have and living with it.
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