A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay female, quieter, average looking, feminine and looking for same,dating (which makes it harder) friends I don't care. Am not into the bar and club scene, am getting too old for it and am a non drinker and dont feel comfortable around half drunk people. I work odd hours which makes it hard to attend regular events etc. I am a little socially anxious and find it quite hard in group situtaions, as many of us do, but am Ok one on one and small groups. Groups of women are not easy at times!I have had not much luck in dating, women are so picky and judge too quickly, the whole "being judged in 30 seconds" when you meet a person, is never truer than with gay females I've found! They check you out and instantly decide..coffee friendpotential close friendnothing maybe a date..I always get sometime coffee friend, or nothing and get small talk and then we both leave, saying "all the best" I've met a coupe of women who I see maybe 2 times a year, I'd call them "coffee or lunch" friends, I am NOT attracted to them, its a f/ship only, but the f/ship is lighter, which is fine, we all need different sorts of friends. These f/ships that are somewhat lighter and will never go any deeper, almost an acquaintance.Both of them are so busy that I'm lucky to meet them at all, it is what it is, and I accept that and am grateful and enjoy our coffee and see them in 6-12 months.I get so envious of people that make closer friends, I'm nice, I smile, I try to be social, I ask questions and show interest one to one, I don't make it all about me or my ego, I don't behave in a rude or weird way, what do I have to do??! Its not natural for me to be nasty or rude but maybe I should be?Im not a loud person.Is all about the connection and women are so hard to find that with! so choosy.I'm on an internet site and have met a few women over the years, for coffee and a first meeting, (which is NOT a date) SO I have come to the conclusion that I am maybe meant to be alone, not all of us can meet the someone.Am I ready to give up altogether, no, but maybe I need to face some facts..Some people, men and women have it so easy dating, others not so much.. Im a mere mortal, no "superstar" and that it seems is what women want?Someone "amazing"
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (11 December 2013):
Dear OP,
Dating women as a woman IS hard! And there needs to be a lot of luck involved to find someone!
Don't blame yourself and your personality for your troubles. You DON'T have to be an amazing superstar. People would admire you more, but who wants to date somebody so flawless that they always feel inferior?
I think the trouble is, you're fishing in a small pond and since you're feminine and looking for another feminine woman you're not easily recognized as a lesbian.. and might have trouble recognizing other feminine women as lesbian. Besides, you got busy friends who aren't helping you in the process. I don't see why that would make you a loser.
Since you don't like clubs and bars, all that's left to find love is the internet, and online dating has its disadvantages.
So what I would recommend is that a) you remember that you are a beautiful woman, capable of love and happiness b) invest time and effort in finding better and closer friends, e.g. through hobby. You need good people around you that help you have fun in your life, even if you are single.
About the dating.. I better don't give advice here, because I've been dating for a long time and haven't found anyone yet. So, I get the frustration and I don't think you're necessarily doing anything wrong.
I'm bisexual and the only long-term relationship I had was with a straight but bi-curious woman I met through my job. We were friends first, then fell in love and our relationship lasted almost 6 years. Just want to say, keep your eyes open for such chances and don't judge other women too quickly (e.g. if they are bi).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): I am like you also. Though I am not single but I don't make these many friends, but when who I do, I tend to keep. I don't drink also, and I can't stand places where people drink. I can't stand drunk men come up to me, tthey can't even see in front of them.Cindy Cares right though, an effort needs to be maid to meet someone. I know myself that sometimes my face looks cold and not friendly, because I don't smile a lot. But when I am in a good mood I attract people immediately.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): I read your rebuttals and responses to comments made by the aunts, including myself. I didn't suggest you change your personality. I said be open-minded.
You depicted your acquaintances as distant and not particularly close friends. If you're not that warm, what do you expect? If you simply sit there, and make no effort to make people feel welcome in your presence; you'll never make a connection. All this stuff about being a "loser" and not being "amazing" is an excuse for not trying. You want people to explode with excitement at the the very sight of you, and all you have to do is soak it in. That will never happen.
People react to the feedback they get when they make a gesture of friendship, my dear lady. If you meet a perfect stranger; they have nothing to go on, but your appearance.
They know nothing beneath the surface. You have an excuse for every possible suggestion offered that could change your situation. The truth is, you are not happy with who you are. You don't bother pushing yourself to be likeable; because you have written-off all other lesbians as choosy and unfriendly. The typical cop-out of a frustrated gay person! I'm not young and beautify, so I just give up!!!
You just want people to like you without any effort on your part. Again. That will not happen.
My dear, the whole world is not mean, unapproachable, and superficial. That's only the few people you allowed to get within a few feet of you.
You criticize everyone as cold, critical, and choosy. That's a reality in gay life in general. In fact, that IS life. You have to overcome hurdles and obstacles to improve your quality of life. You don't take what's thrown at you without a fight. You find a way to get what you want.
Body-language, facial expressions, and response to stimuli come across to people. We have instincts that sometimes don't make the right interpretations. That's called prejudice. That's why you have to make the effort to prove that you are more than meets the eye.
If they talk to you, and you don't have much to talk about; do you expect them to stand there looking at you in total silence? They will go find someone who makes them feel welcome.
We grow older, and yes we no longer get the pick of the litter when it comes to the lovelies. However; personality transcends over a lot of other human traits. There are other people who look, think, and feel the same way you do. You have to be available intellectually and emotionally, in order to make a connection; as a friend, date, or lover. That means, pushing yourself. Going out of your way, even if you anticipate failure.
You claim you're not comfortable around half-drunk people. What you really mean, is you're not comfortable around people...period!!! If you have no friends, drunk people are easier to talk to. Have a drink and find out.
If our words of wisdom aren't offering you comfort and support. I'm quite sorry. I certainly made the effort.
Get a cat, learn how to knit, and give up. Is that better advice?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 December 2013):
 Op, you don't need to be a superstar but if you want to connect with people ,enlarge your social circle, etc., yes, I am afraid you need to be outgoing.
Why ? Why does it have to be you who need to try harder ?
Well, simple. Because you are the one who has the problem- if we want to call it that, or let's call it the wish/ exigence / desire etc. to find someone to date / befriend. You are the one who is not satisfied with your situation, so you are the one who has to strive to change it. People who are content with their social/emotional situation won't be very motivated to make efforts in this sense.
It's like, if you want to board a train, what do you do? You go to the station and buy a ticket, the train is not going to make a detour and pick you up from home.
If you are looking for a new job, you need to send out your resumes, to " advertise " yourself, the employers are not coming to your building to see if there is anybody there who wants to work. Dating and social situations are not that different, and while I am aware that this is a big effort and hindrance for someone who is not naturally outgoing and a people person, and that a shy, quiet person may find more challenges in making herself known and appreciated , well, it is what it is, it's not really anybody's fault . You just need to be patient and persistent , not to get discouraged, work on your social skills or whatever is it that makes it difficult for you to connect ( hey, YOU said you are socially anxious, not us ).
Remember that unluckily a reserved, withdrawn demeanour is often taken for being cold, standoffish and stuck up- which is a pity , but warmth calls warmth. I am not suggesting that you go around slapping people on their backs at parties or putting on a burlesque act if this is not you... but , maybe you are sending closed off vibes ? Smile and body language are important, pay attention to yours, you don't need to talk a lot but your body should not convey anxiety or waryness or defensiveness. And it's Ok being quiet, by why quietER ? quieter than what ? than the majority of all people ? You don't need to be quieter than them, I bet you've got plenty of interesting ideas and valuable opinions, see it this way, the more you partecipate in a conversation, the more you offer your personal contribution... the more you benefit everybody with your own unique experience and life vision.
Anyway, I don't know if this is going to be any confort to you, but, don't think the hetero dating scene is much different ! It is not easy to meet the right mate- or true friends, and getting on with age makes it progressively less easy. Not easy does not mean impossible - and being open to new things is helpful.. If where you have gone before to get dates did not work, well, try somewhere all different- maybe a class where you can meet like minded people who share your interests ? A volunteer activity ? A cultural association ?...
I'd be curious to know : I understand that for dating you need to meet gay women, but just for friendship , converstaion and so, why do they have to be gay ?
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (11 December 2013):
 OP, why are you so mad at us? everyone on here is trying to help you. no one has put you down or made fun of you. no one has insinuated you are incapable of socializing or making friends. that's how you've interpreted these posts because you're feeling down on yourself due to these circumstances in dating. take a step back. maybe you can realize that everyone is just trying to help.
i get the feeling that you have a very negative view of yourself because of this belief you can't find a mate. i see it in the way you're interpreting everyone's posts and internalizing it in your heart/mind. your responses were very negative and critical of yourself. do you see this?
you're a good person and you have a lot to offer. no one is trying to tell you otherwise. we are just trying to help you get to the bottom of your problem. that's all.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): I feel like I wrote your post. My predicament is exact and my social and mental identical to what you have described. I can relate *infinity* to what you are struggling with. I'm a lesbian and I long companionship but I refuse to settle with the repugnant mindset of today's single lesbian. I'm finding myself attracted to and moved by straight women, because they aren't tainted by lesbian bull crap. Lesbian dating puts me on defense and the whole thing is always just a waste of my time and very discouraging. I don't have the energy or desire to play that lesbian mind game, judgement game, dating game bs I'm single.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 December 2013):
as a gay female myself, i wouldn't say that i've found gay women to be any worse than straight men and women when it comes to being picky. everybody sizes people up right off the bat when they are just meeting someone for the first time, regardless of sexual orientation.
i've dated quite a handful of women in my past (some of which i wish i could take back lol) and had much luck with it. my number one suggestion for you, is confidence! confidence makes such a huge difference! i'm not the most amazing looking girl in the world, but i've dated many extremely attractive women, and a lot of it came just from having confidence. women love confidence.
i'm very outgoing and friendly and talkative. i hold my head up high and look people in the eye when we talk. i make jokes and try to make people laugh. it's all about your personality and the way you carry yourself. looks don't even matter that much if you can sell your personality.
i wouldn't give up on finding someone just yet. you'll find that someone. stay optimistic. in the meantime, these are the little things that can help.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2013):
 I simply asked a question. It was not an insinuation.
I usually suggest to people who not able to find dates that they make sure their friends and family know that they are on the market. Think about it. The best matchmakers are the people who know you well and want what is best for you. Your friend may have a friend who has a friend looking for a relationship.
If you are this frustrated and unhappy about your progress, then you need to change things up and ask the people who know you well for help.
It's tough but the one who is feeling lonely is the one who has to work harder to change that. It doesn't feel fair but that is how it is.
Now, if you are 41-50, and aren't out to all your friends at this point, I mean, come on, you have another 30-40 years to go, why live it hiding your sexual orientation? Why keep up a facade? That must be exhausting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): this is the poster
yes i do have a couple of close friends, they are straight, i am not out to all
I am not some picky social weirdo, despite what you all think.
I can talk, Im not a mute idiot.
I resent it being insinuated that I have no friends.
You have no idea how much it hurts to try and meet new gay friends and have door after door slammed in yr face, at my age its harder.
I have a sense of humour and resent the suggestion I dont.
why is this my fault always? Ill keep trying but surely there is such a thing as a judgemental or cliquey woman?
Im always polite and nice, Im not some nasty weirdo.
Why am I the one who needs to try more? always its me!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2013):
Do you have a close friend? A couple of close friends?
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (11 December 2013):
 I don't think the issue is with gay women. I encounter the same sort of thing with straight women. Women are picky. Period. lol.If you feel socially awkward then maybe work on that instead of focussing on meeting someone. The more you practice the more comfortable around people you will feel, and the more relaxed you will appear.I sympthise with you. I feel the same way, that I'm doomed to be alone forever and I don't know why as I feel I'm a very pleasant and fairly attractive person. I wish I knew what to do about it.What might be a contributing factor for you is that women, straight women anyway so I assume gay ones too, like to let the other person make the first move and make the effort. So maybe being more proactive in approaching people might help. I have the same problem. I have always had the (it turns out) completely naive idea that when I met the right person things would happen naturally. But I couldn't have been more wrong. So maybe being more proactive and clear about what you want and your intentions would help.I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): this is the poster
I am fully capable of social conversation thankyou, making small talk is part of my job, and Im quite good at it, Im just quieter, Im not some weirdo!
Guess it is me, I need to be an outgoing superstar, not all of us are like this,
yes ALL people have issues, guess Im the "loser" and expecting support isnt going to happen, I need to be "amazing" im not, Im me and that is all I can be. People care less and less about each other now,I should know this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): People who seem to have it easy are outgoing and open-minded.They don't have a long list of pet-peeves, and they don't judge people for liking a snort of alcohol. They do go to bars and events now and then; and keep all their social options open. They are flexible, may volunteer their time to a good cause; and don't mind going against the grain, if it will make a new friend.They are the people most likely to find a mate. I am one of those people. So I speak from experience. I'm not being rhetorical or cute.If you're set in your ways, think cats are better than most people. You don't drink, and you can't bend your schedule to find time to do something totally out of your comfort-zone; you will find yourself keeping yourself company most of the time. That is also a good option.I enjoy that as well.As for all the types of women you've met who you claim judge you on the spot. From your self-description; it's no wonder that is the usual type of women you meet. You have a cynical view of other gay women.You're socially unavailable.There are gay women's bowling leagues, lesbian associations in nearly every town, and gay people often have LGBT charity drives that need volunteers in nearly every country. Just go online and checkout what's local.Then find time in your tight schedule to attend an event where gay women gather in numbers. Ignore the size of the crowd. The larger the group, the wider the selection.Ever considered hosting an event at your own place? Invite some gay ladies, and encourage them to bring a guest and a dish? Serve some drinks, or suggest they bring their own spirits of choice. Maybe serve some fine wine or sherry.Exotic coffees and teas entice people far and wide. Have a brunch!Attitude often cuts us off from the better side of people.If they pickup a bad vibe; or you just don't come across as the sociable-type, people only tolerate you out of politeness. Therefore; as a guest, you're not under popular demand. Gay women, gay men, and people of all persuasions should be picky. That is, when choosing a compatible mate. Friends should be eclectic and of all nationalities or ethnicity. The broader your network, the better your odds of being introduced to others who just might like you in the romantic sense.Some folks, you know right from the start they are no fun. They scowl. Seldom smile, don't like to be a little silly, they're too inhibited, and often far too serious about themselves. They are immune to a sense of humor.They wish everyone was more like they are. I think the point of having friends and lovers is to find someone who has something to offer that will enrich our lives, and give us a broader outlook on life. To free us to have fun, and appreciate companionship. Not always on our own terms, but just as it comes. Without being chiseled and molded into our own image, or meeting some list of criteria.You don't have to change your personality, just be more open-minded. So you will be adaptable and more attractive to people. If you have a reputation of being stiff and close-minded, people will automatically assume you won't like them. They're not really who's being picky, you are.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 December 2013):
 I think that you are personalizing a whole bunch of the details that ALL OF US must address.... regardless whether we are straight or gay,... seeking to make contact/friendship with a woman or man.....
What I think I detect in your submittal, is that you feel socially awkward, and incapable of cutting through the early phases of meeting people (gay women, in your case)... but that may well NOT BE simply a "gay women" issue... but a "people" issue....
May I suggest that you hone your interpersonal skills and confidence... perhaps by reading one or more of those classic "self-help" books.... such as Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People".... or, "I'm OK; You're OK"... they have timeless advice... which advice is not particular to any sex/gender or sexual preference....
Good luck....
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