A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am seeing a married man. I don't see him often. Once a month but we keep in touch on text / email. He is my friend.. The person who gives me advice. Who is my mentor and my agony aunt. He is 10 years older than me. Married with no children. I have never used him in anyway. No money, gifts or anything else. He talks to me and gives me advice when needed. And makes me laugh. My lonely existence is less lonely due to him. I've known him for 2 years. I am going through a divorce and have recently left my job as I found it too stressful. My exhusband was an alcoholic and would leave me alone for long periods of time. I decided I would break the cycle with the married man and went on a dating site but I compare everyone to him and feel he was more intelligent and more caring. I met him today and he was talking about his pet cat who is unwell and who will die and how this will be a horrible day for him and his wife. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to cry - it is not my life. It is not my cat but there I was.. Listening to him talk about his life which had nothing to do with me but I was expected to support him which I did and I will do. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself? I am a good person - I don't hurt others and don't want him to leave his marriage. Why am I unable to leave him? Will I never find another man? Please let me know what you think.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2016): You cannot leave because he is like an addiction. He provides you with a high, much like a drug. A feel good cocktail of brain chemicals that you have come to rely on. And need in your life. It is a rush when you are together. Like no other. Since it is a fantasy-like relationship, it feeds that addiction. Ordinary, everyday relationships do not measure up to an affair in some ways. The illicit nature of the affair is what keeps the infatuation chemicals alive and well, even years into it whereas in everyday relationships, mundane and common responsibilities and the demands of day to day life dull the high.When he is absent, you are craving him and needing the fix he provides for you. When you live in the moment with him, all your needs are being met. But when he is away from you, you are miserable. It is a roller coaster ride. You are addicted to the feelings he provides. The fact you only have him in your life for limited periods of time creates a nostalgia and a longing for him. You convince yourself you need him more than you really do. Because he is not there often. So, we long for what we cannot have. If he was with you everyday, you may not long for him this way. So, the longing and wanting is constant due to the fact he is elusive and unattainable. So, you are high when you are with him and low when you are not. The cycle repeats itself over and over. And it's the lows, which soon surpass the highs, which make you begin to question what you are doing and how long will be able to endure it. Because eventually the pain catches up and takes over whatever happiness there was. I see it as once the fog lifts from the fantasy and you are no longer in the rose coloured glasses phase, you start to question reality a lot more. Until it comes to a breaking point. Or you can choose to push that breaking point away for as long as you would like to delude yourself from reality. But that can't last forever despite your best intentions.Also, you both spend quality time together in that little time he has to spend with you. It focuses on both of you. Not on who is paying the bills, what is for dinner, how well did your son do on his exam, that party coming up this Saturday. All of that. There are no distractions. Just you and him. And you like that you have his undivided attention "in the moment." It is painful to miss somebody who was filling some very important needs in us. In our lives. You have a need for him otherwise you would not be in this situation. So to starve the very needs that drove you into this affair actually seems like an impossible task.Yes, you would be lonely without him. And likely lost. Maybe for a very long time. And most importantly, in WITHDRAWAL. You know deep down that you do not want to experience this withdrawal when compared to the high you have been riding with him in your life. So, if staying with him is feeding that high, that overall feeling of well being and being happy, then that is where the scale will tip. The downside is the loneliness and withdrawal when he is not there.Let me point out that if you are able to have a man part time and can live with this, then there is not necessarily anything wrong with it. Some women like their independence and seek a companion to compliment their lives but not share it with. So leaving is not always the answer if you like the arrangement. And value his presence in your life the way it is. The only difficult part is being lonely when he is not there. And feeling stronger towards him (even loving him) when he does not feel the same or CANNOT feel the same. He is married. Eventually you would begin to resent him for not returning your love and affection and all you have invested in him. He has it all. You only have the crumbs. So, you resent him for not giving you more when your heart belongs to him and he knows it. It may eventually result in a tug of war which is persistent and perpetually without resolution. You will always be in limbo.Some women can stay if they can enjoy the relationship "as is" without getting caught up in all the common traps such as falling in love and wanting him to leave his wife. This is the tricky part. Keeping your emotions out of it. Not allowing them to grow to a point where the relationship becomes more painful than joyful.The ending most often when it's precipitated by the mistress is that she wants more from her married lover but he will not leave his wife. And so she leaves and eventually finds herself a full time relationship with all the love, emotion and commitment she always sought out in the married man. We all have this fantasy of how it will all turn out. That is what a mistress dreams about. But it is so rare that a man will ever leave his wife and family for her. And women who enter this situation are better off knowing what it really is and what they are dealing with. And even when they know, they still get attached because we like to hold onto hope. We think we are different. That our affair is true love. We are emotional creatures after all and having sex with the same man for a long time creates a bond that is undeniable. He may be able to get over it much easier but she will have a much more difficult time.If you can handle the lows, then stay with him if he is making you happy. I know it is hard to leave someone when they have been an important part of your life. And I am sure the no contact part will be the toughest of all should you choose this route. Only you know what you should do. You will reach that conclusion on your own, in your own time. You can say you are ready to leave but you really aren't. Once you are ready, you will do everything you need to do to cut him out of your life and stand firm. Until then you will teeter tooter, waiver, go back and forth.It is sad because oftentimes mistresses and married men do have a very real, genuine connection. Sometimes it can be love. But neither could, would, ever admit to it. Love complicates. Love was never supposed to enter the picture. Oh but sometimes... it does. But it must be left to die. Maybe another time and place they would have been together. And to choose to cut that person out of your life forever, allowing that love to extinguish, is a very painful thing. It will be like grieving the loss of a loved one. But most people tell you to get over it because it is an affair and so your feelings automatically don't matter. You deserve it. You are a lesser human being. So, your pain does not matter. Let me tell you that there are some people who enter affairs who were not looking for one but felt a genuine pull to another person who fulfilled needs that were going unmet. And this pull can be irresistible. Good people can actually find themselves in less than ideal situations. It does not make them more deserving of pain. We are all human after all. We are all capable of many things. Many things we might never have thought ourselves capable of.So, your choice is can you live with it? Are you happier with him than without him? Can you accept the situation as it is? BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. If you feel he is not giving you all you need and deserve, then yes, it might be time to say good bye. Surely you do not want to let it get to a point where he makes you miserable. And that you begin to resent him, hate him for not loving you back. In all reality, he was never able to love you. Not free to love you. From the start. He has a wife. So you can either understand this or not. Accept this or not. It is all perception. If you like to have him there for companionship and sex, then he is there. But he won't be there for you full time. You are afraid to let him go. You are too attached. You might love him. You have important needs being fulfilled. So, you can hang onto him as long as you can but I do think you are already on the road to self discovery. You are already asking yourself some important questions about this relationship. You have doubts. And you are not unlike any other woman in your situation.I do feel this is something you are going to have to figure out all on your own, in your own time. The epiphany or moment of enlightenment is different for all of us. Some women stay in affairs for years. Others leave and find a man who is available. Every situation and person is different. Ask yourself what truly makes you happy?Will you find another man? Yes, you will. Eventually. Maybe not today or for a long time. But you will. If you feel you cannot let him go, then don't. Do so when you are ready. You will know when that time comes.I wish you well.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (8 June 2016):
 There are many reasons why you don't leave your lover but I'd say perhaps the main reasons might be 1) Its comfortable. You know him, you know what to expect and at this point I doubt that there are any surprises. 2) Fear of the unknown--being alone, you don't know what/who is out there and its rather scary to think of being alone. 3)He offers you advice, companionship and without him there will be a void. 4) You don't feel that you deserve better.
I could go on and on but you get the idea. I will tell you that I was married to an alcoholic and it isn't a life that I wish on anyone. If your husband was abusive in any form, after time it truly wears you down and can strip away your feelings of self worth and esteem having someone constantly berate you. I'm happy that you got away from him!
You have to love yourself sweetie. You have to tell yourself that you deserve a man who can totally commit himself to you, not just be a part time lover. Yes, it will be scary being alone but don't you want more than what you have? Ask yourself if you really want to spend the rest of your life waiting around to spend time with a man who can only give you a portion of himself? I think you know what you need to do. Find the courage inside yourself to break free. You can do it. Good luck and believe in yourself!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 June 2016):
 Yes you can find another man but you have to be open to it. And you won't be open to it until you can detach and separate emotionally from this man. Sadly you will no longer be able to be friends with him either.
Why you don't leave him is for the same reason I don't leave my husband YOU are getting SOMETHING out of the relationship ONCE that disappears, you will be able to leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): Your married man fulfils a need for acceptance that you have.
But you are in a position to strike out for something new but not quite ready to take the necessary steps.
Most people find it difficult to relate to the loss of a much loved family pet because it has little impact on yourself and in that situation you are the outsider,knowing yourself that your relationship is built on borrowed time!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): I was in a similar situation I hope I can offer some non-judgmental advice. My now ex-husband was abusive (emotionally and sometimes physically)and would go away 'on business' at short notice, sometimes for weeks and often at weekends. I learned to rely on myself and I learned to live alone even though I was married. In fact, I still live on my own but it does not seem at all strange even though I was married for 12 years. During that marriage I had an affair. The affair lasted 3 years on and off. I was, perhaps, less level headed than you in how much I craved to be with him and this really got to me. He had children and I knew I could never have those with a man like my husband who was the way he was and that was devastating. The trouble was I saw great qualities in the man I had an affair with that I would never see in my husband. I learned to love and care for someone that was never going to be with me - which felt like I was punishing myself. Since having counselling I have discovered this was down to me feeling I was not worthy of a decent relationship (the abuse had done this) and that I would settle for a half-relationship that satisfied many of my desires but not my hopes and dreams. Now I am divorced I find nothing attractive about the affair itself. I see it for what it was. My esteem has grown and now I am looking for someone who has good qualities but is totally available to build a life with me. You probably know this but because life has and still is pretty bad then you are seeking happiness when and where you can - and settling for that. In time (and please get support for it) you will discover more about YOU and that is so important - and it can be fun! You are not a doormat. I doubt this man would leave his wife for you - my affair didn't and I was fooling myself to even for a minute imagine he would. This personal growth phase will allow you to put affair man in perspective and naturally you will move away from him. I understand how giving up work can relieve the pressure of all of this but soon you will need to have a plan for yourself - drifting along and hoping this affair man will fulfil your needs will not do it. You have a great opportunity ahead. When the time is right you will move on. My best advice is to very gradually see less of him. Busy yourself (physically) with appointments that don't make room for him any more (be less 'available' to his needs) but build your sense of self. You have given your life to an abusive (?) alcoholic and now you seem intent on giving more of it away to a man who can never be 'whole' to you. It is time to take stock, get your power back in your life and work out what YOU want from it. Be kind to yourself in the meantime and spend more time on the most important person - yourself. The rest will follow.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 June 2016):
 I think you're smart, empathetic and friendly, but made a very bad decision that doesn't show any of those good traits, only traits that are practically the opposite.I know you're lonely, but I think you need to break off all contact with him for good. Whilst you still have him in your life, you'll still compare everyone to him - you know what they probably weren't? Cheaters - he is. Remind yourself that he's not faithful and the comparisons will hopefully fade.Take a break for a while; you're rushing yourself to date again, when you're going through a divorce, unemployment and no hobbies. Try to form friends for now, fill your social needs with that, then look for potential dates in a few months, when you've got your life back on track :) no more married or taken people.
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