A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a serious problem figuring out my feelings and any insight would be appreciated more than you know. I dated this guy for a little less than two years. We were in high school at the time but we swore we were soul mates. We talked about our future life and the possibility of getting married. We said we would try the long distance relationship when it came time to go away to college. He treated me like an absolute princess in the beginning of the relationship. Looking back, I feel like I took advantage of this and feel HORRIBLE for it. I was definitely unnecessarily mean to him and should have apologized for things more than what I did. After about 7 to 8 months, things started going downhill. We'd argue and have the absolute worst fights but still make up after. He was the only person I ever really felt comfortable being my complete self around. I don't doubt for one second that I loved him. When I went to college, things changed a lot. We argued about him doing drugs and drinking excessively. He said I was trying to control him, I felt like I needed to protect him because his parents were never there for him and didn't care what he did. I loved him so much I was terrified of losing him. We had decided to take a break at this point which is when he told me he was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Eventually it turned into suicide threats and turned my life upside down. I gave up everything, tons of experiences, possible friendships, and more just to be there for him when he needed me. I tried to convince him to go speak with a counselor but he said he didn't need help. I tried my best to help but not seeing each other every two or three months never helped. He blamed me for his feelings and told me this never would have happened to him if he hadn't met me. That absolutely destroyed me to the fact I started feeling depressed and contemplated the worth of my own life.We ended up dating other people and for both of us they were causual dating experiences, I suppose what some would call "open". When I came home on break, I'd see him and still get butterflies in my stomach and want to kiss him. When I came home for the summer, I expected everything to be the same but he stopped wanting to see me and always found a reason to pick a fight. It seemed like he had changed 180 degrees and wasn't the same boy I loved in high school. I know people change as they get older but I never would have expected such a sweet boy to go down this road.It eventually came out that he liked this other girl and I was definitely heart broken. I didn't think it would ever be possible for us to not be together and certainly was not what I thought the summer was going to be about. He told me he realized he never loved me, it was just a stupid high school relationship. Maybe it was, but to me it did (and still does) seem like so much more. We spent every moment possible together and phone conversations lasted 4 or 5 hours almost every night after seeing each other all day! I never got bored of learning new things about him and I was extremely happy during the initial part of our relationship.Needless to say, a few weeks later I started dating one of our mutual friends, a Marine, who had come home for leave. I always had a small crush on him before my ex and I were together but was always very attracted to him. Tons of things happened in between us being in a relationship with other people and now but it would be way too long to write (as if this isn't long enough now!) My ex and I never speak despite numerous tries on my part. I just want closure and to apologize for some things that I should have in the past. I just want an understanding between us but he refuses to give me the time of day. I'm not really sure why, he won't text or call me back. I've stopped trying to get through to him because I feel like I'm being unfair to his girlfriend, him, and their relationship.What my question comes down to is- Why in God's name am I still thinking about my ex?! I think about him all the time, especially when I go to bed because I don't have distractions. I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me lightyears better than my ex did after he changed into this different person. My current boyfriend never curses me out, calls me names, tells me I'm not good enough etc.. like my ex did almost daily. If I have everything I could have ever asked for with this new man who would make the most amazing husband, why is my ex still on my mind? Could it be because we talked so seriously about getting married or that I gave my virginity to him? Is it because he was my first love? I almost feel that I need to see him and talk to him to make all these thoughts disappear. I know there's no going back to the old days, I'd never get the old him back. He seems very happy with his new girlfriend and I've told him all along I just want him to be happy. I'm so so sorry this is so long. I'm just beside myself and didn't know how to ask the question without giving all the background. If someone out there is reading this, know that I'm very thankful for you. I'm making myself so heartsick over this and just want to be happy with my current boyfriend and have the same emotional detachment my ex has found.
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a break, crush, depressed, drugs, long distance, my ex, soul mates, soulmate, text, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): do you have kids, how old are they?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Boy Blue,
Thank you for taking the time to read all of that and answer me. I'm sorry your Mom feels similarly to me but I appreciate you explaining her situation. I'll definitely try harder to live in the present and forget about the past that did nothing but hurt me, I know you're right.
Thank you again!
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A
male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (7 October 2010):
I suppose for many women even when they find someone great, they never seem to let go from that love they once shared for another. I see it in my mom and honestly it just seems like she couldn't get over it because it wasn't her choice. If she had it her way she would have been with him forever...miserable but forever. She never had that closer as well. I get the sharp edge of her emotions because she often tells me of how much she wants to just see him. Sometimes that frustration gets the better of her and she lashes out at me, saying that I ignore her. They way I see it is that neither of you chose to move on.
You just seem intent on reliving the pain of your past. It is a choice you make yourself to drag these unresolved issues into the present only to relive them again. Because you or my mom can't seem to just accept what happened you hope that reliving it will lead to understanding or accepting the future. Because of that, all your questions arise that you so need answers for. The past is over and the future is not yet. So stay in the present and BE PRESENT and deal with what u have in front of you.
I know my reply seems to generalize things because I have not answered any of your specific questions but you I hope you listen to what I wrote just as I have of you.
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