A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why do I feel so unloved, unappreciated, and dirty when my girlfriend says she won't have sex with me? Why do I feel as if she doesn't desire me anymore? Why do I feel so...... Down......?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, Jilly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): One last controversial suggestion, which no one has touched upon, which no doubt I shall be scorned for; but, you are BOTH very, very young and after three years, your relationship, attraction for HER may just not be as it was, sorry, but these are facts which could be the problem.
Your relationship has reached it's natural end physically for her. You know as hard as that is, people who date do NOT ALL go on to the ' Happy Ever After ' status of being together for the rest of their lives - So something has to kick start the slowing down of it growing further.
If you had a lot of love making in the beginning, she had an equal desire for sex as you did, then it is pretty unlikely to be her sex drive - libido, sex drive just doesn't disappear completely at her tender age. If in the beginning she had to be coaxed, but generally was quite keen for sex,then I would say may be she has a lower sex drive than you, and now the relationship has settled into the REAL world stages of being together ( 3 years) where I'm afraid SEX does become less regular, this may be her natural level.
I think male agony uncle Odds answer was excellent, very profound, and yes do try some of the things he's suggested, but if at 21 you are both already having problems sexually, what would be like in ten or twenty years time - this may be something you need to consider if you want this relationship to become really long-term/marriage.
As Agony Aunts/Uncles we can't always say what people want to hear, sometimes we have to be a more controversial in an effort to assist those asking the question into considering other options for the problem, rather than giving advice without offering ALL the possible reasons for the problem, in fear of upsetting the poster of the question.
Unless she has real problems with work, is unemployed, is ill, has problems with her family, where she's living or has shown signs of being very un-happy with certain parts of her life, then you will have to consider the other possibilities for her lack of desire for being emotionally and physically close to you.
Good luck to you, and I hope you resolve this.
Jilly
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Odds, that was really good. It really helped me to understand that "stab" I feel on my chest when I feel "deprived" of sex.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Love is a series of funny chemical reactions in our brains that cause us to attach to one person. Sex releases hormones that renew these reactions. For men in particularly, love simply *isn't* without regular, satisfying sex.
Additionally, your most powerful instinct (except, arguably, survival) is to have sex. When denied that sex, you instinctually feel deep emotional pain, the same way you feel pain when you touch a stove - your body is telling you that something is wrong, and you strive to avoid that source of pain in the future.
None of that implies that you are owed sex, no matter how much you want it. Like all things, we have to earn it.
Now, that's why it hurts. As to why she's not putting out as much, you need to turn her on more. Her brain does not work the way yours does - if she rubs her tits on you, you're good to go; she needs more psychological stimulation. She needs to see you in moments of confidence, power, and general excellence. Act like a worthy mate. Do something exciting, or take up a good physical hobby. Climb your way up the ladder at work. Nuclear option: harmlessly flirt with other girls. It might piss her off, but it might also make her view you as a higher-status mate choice. That last one is a gamble, so try the others first. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 October 2010):
 You need to talk to her about why. Maybe she's not feeling satisfied, maybe she's really stressed, it could be a million things. We can't know for sure what's wrong, only she can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, for the lack of info. Well, here's what's up.
We've been together for 3 years, since I'm 18. Now I'm 21, she's 22. And yes, we have had sex before, many times. As in every relationship, we did it really often at the beggining, but it never really slowed to less than once a week at least, but now it got to the point where we do it once a month. I'm still young, my hormones are still... in the move? Anyway, sometimes I try to get her going, kissing her sexily in the neck, etc. She loves it and all, but she doesn't get horny anymore. She just says that she's not in the mood. But... she never is anymore...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 October 2010):
Has the sex dropped off or is this just where her sex drive is at? Lots of things contribute to lowered libidos, the biggest being stress. If she's been stressed out lately, then you shouldn't take it personally, as it has nothing to do with you that she doesn't want sex.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 A. sex doesn't equal love and 2.it's not all about you! Get a life! She is in charge of her body not you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Has she ever had sex with you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): You don't give much more information...such as how long have you been together, how often you see each other. She may feel she wants to be sure she's in a proper relationship before she commits to having sex with you..
As I say, not much to go one..But patience is a virtue!
Jilly
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