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age
30-35,
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writes: hii, im 16 and my new boyfriend, steve, is 19. we`ve been together for 2 months. i did not lose my virginity to him but we had sex for the first time together last night. he is the second guy i have had sex with. so let me give you a little info about this. i was raped last year by a guy at a party. i only just found out his name 30 mins before it happened. it has really really hurt me. ive been trying to get over it and i thought that having sex with steve would make me more comfortable with sex. i wanted to feel like it could be ok. but what happened last night was, well we started jus kissing and he started to touch me and i was shaking, he kept whispering to me just relax. the rest of it went so quickly. before i knew it, he pulled out and (sorry if this is too graphic) pulled my head down and finished on my cheeks. i turned my head away. told him to take me home. i was silent the whole car ride. he went to kiss me but i just got out at my house and i havent talked to him since. so a couple questions... should i call him? do you think he has already decided that we are over? i thought i was ready to have sex again... it happened a year ago and i thought i was over it... why am i so shaken up? please please help. im a mess.love, Tia.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): Your boyfriend sounds horrible. And you need to understand that if does not feel good, regardless of your past experience, you need to stop it.
If you are not okay with sex, don't do it yet. Sort things out in your mind. Give yourself time. Speak to a cousellor if you need to... Read up on rape and what it does to victims, emotionally, so you understand some bit of yourself.
At 16, its not as if sex is expected! Let your boyfriend(this one or any others you may make) know that you will go slowly sexually. That is all.
No one is supposed to have sex if they are not okay with it.
You are brave to want to move on... but I think you are allowing too much thinking that if you protest it's because of a past experience. You did not sound like you were ready any way... if this Steve cared about anything except his need to get off, he'd have slowed down. Pushing your head down and finishing on your cheeks is absolutely not alright, unless it is with your explicit consent and desire.
Sex should make you smile. It's supposed to be fun. If it's not, stop then and walk out. It's okay to do that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): what u should do is call him up and ask him if u can talk to him bout ... and just explain to him what was wrong with u that night and that because u were raped u thought u were ready but u just wernt. hope it helps, $@m
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A
female
reader, devastated2008  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 Tia, rape isn't something you just get over. You need rape counseling. The more you try to deny and suppress your pain the more power you give it.
As hard and scary as it seems, it is going to have to be dealt with... that means talking and thinking about it and working through the million feelings you likely have... anger, guilt, shame, ANGER, disgust...RAGE, hurt, fear, ANGER... If you are like most people guilt, shame and anger are the hardest emotions to deal with...
It's not your fault that this happened but it is your responsibility to take charge of your healing. A year is nothing... but don't give it another day without talking to a rape counselor. The pain and damage will not go away on its own. You responded EXACTLY normal for someone who was raped, but it can be healed.
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A
female
reader, desire0102 +, writes (2 February 2010):
well i think that he didnt have to do that. i wouldnt call him i would wait for his call. you neva get over rape, trust me i been there 3 yrs ago i still thing about its a messed up way to loose your virginity but you have to get past it. unfortunately rape is unforgetable!
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (2 February 2010):
I am so sorry for your painful experience, and for the difficulty you are still having.
I must ask a few questions though. Did you ever recieve victims support counseling for the rape? It is not a sign of weakness nor insufficiency to request help when we are in over our head, and let me tell you that being raped automatically qualifies as being in over our head!
Second, does your current BF know about the rape?
If he does know about it, then it seems to me that what he did was extremely insesitive. Finishing on your face like that is also considered fairly rude unless it is something the two of you discuss ahead of time. It's a porn thing, and while some guys get off on the idea, just doing it without finding out your comfort level is taking quite the liberty, especially for your first time together!
If he does not know about the rape, he may well be very confused and insecure at this point.
I would start by reminding yourself that you have been victimized, and that being emotionally traumatized carries long term emotional repercussions. You are not crazy, weird, or abnormal. Neither are you alone. There are others out there who really do understand and sympathize with what you are going through. Finding someone who does, and talking with them can really help, and I encourage you strongly to do so.
If you still feel that this boyfriend of yours is worth pursuing, I would call him, and tell him that you need to talk. Go somewhere public, so that sex won't be an option, but somewhere you two can speak candidly without worrying about being overheard. A two person booth at a diner or restaurant can do this, if you lean in and talk in controlled tones.
Explain to him calmly and gently that you have some very deep rooted emotional damage left over from your ordeal. Explain that what happened the other night shook you up much more than you thought it would. Let him know that you care about him, but that you are going to need to take things at a more controlled pace. Ask for his understanding and patience as you go through the healing process.
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