A
female
age
30-35,
*my89
writes:Me and my partner have recently got married but i have never hated myself so much in my life! A week or so before we got married he went out with a friend for some drinks which of course i wasn't happy about because i am so jealous and paranoid! Even though i have no reason to doubt him. When he came in that night we chatted about the night and he said he went home half way through the night as his friend kept going out on the phone talking to this girl who he has got pregnant so he was trying to sort out his troubles, My husband got annoyed with this and went home, But then he said he went back out which i believe because he called me at 11.30 to tell me he was coming home now which was fine. Now why do i keep getting daft things in my head, picturing him not actually going home half way through the night but he may have chatted to another girl and gone outside with her and kissed her! Yes it sound's crazy i know, This was a week before we got married and it's just silly to think this i really know it is. I have always been paranoid i hate him going out with friends i admit i can be a control freak, why am i like this? I have no real reason to think he has cheated, he has just married me! we spend every weekend together etc. I hate feeling like this, why can't i just trust and beleive? I am constantly making things up in my head. I hate myself for it, i wish i wasn't so paranoid and i don't no why i am, I hate having to constantly question my husband when I NO that it's ME been a paranoid freak and been insecure!!! Some one please help!
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insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (8 November 2010):
 Hunny
Take a look at those links I sent you, They will help I understand how you feel TAKE CARE OF YOU XXXXXXX
A
female
reader, amy89 +, writes (5 November 2010):
amy89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. Yes i have been hurt in the past and i constantly compare my self to other people and feel i am not good enough. I hate my self for this, We are having a baby witch is due in feb and we are moving in to our new house in december and i no that what i am doing is going to ruin it! I no he married me and i think far too much in to thing's I don't no why i do this but the more i do it i make my self beleive thing's that are not even there! :(
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1  +, writes (5 November 2010):
I'm going to say one thing: He married YOU! A week before he's getting married, of course he's going to go have drinks with his buds! This is an exciting chapter of his life he's starting, and pre-wedding celebration is absolutely normal.
Again, he married you! If he wanted to cheat and meet with random girls at the bar, he wouldn't be in a long term relationship. He wouldn't even be in a relationship. He'd go from one girl to the next. But that's not him. That's not what he does. He committed to you by saying those vows and I would consider it unfair to have such terrible thoughts about someone who is so devoted.
Yes, you do need some help, and perhaps this is all rooted in self-esteem issues. Please, I'd hate to see a good marriage go downhill because of things like this. Its not impossible to change, but you need to let go of this control. Guys go out with their friends. We like to have guy time just as girls need their girl time with the ladies.
I'll say it one more time: He married YOU! He's devoted to you and he loves you, and it is not loving to him to consider him a cheater and liar when he has shown zero evidence of it.
You can do this though! You can change it. There are plenty of tools to getting your self esteem back and I know you can make things okay from within yourself. A good first step is to talk to him about it and see if he can help you find someone professional to talk to about this or if there are some things you two could do together to work on the issue. But don't make it a marriage issue, don't make it his issue. That doesn't mean he won't or can't be there to help and comfort you, but don't make it his problem as well. You've already said in your heart that the source is yourself.
I honestly wish you the best of luck! I hope things can get fixed before they grow into a real problem :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Hiya
I see you're from the UK and just thought I would mention that Relate may be the best place for you to go. They can either talk to you alone, or if your husband agrees they will talk to you together about ways both of you can change to help you get over being paranoid. They have places all over the country so google them and see what you think. They are trained to help just people in relationships so would be really good for you as it may be hard to put in to practice all the suggestions you may get on here-Relate could offer the support to see you through it.
Maybe because you spend so much time together that when he does go out your mind runs into overdrive! Could you try going out with your friends when he goes out with his? Then you'll be distracted and be doing your own thing, that way hopefully you won't have time to be paranoid?
He has shown his commitment to you by marrying you so I know you know you shouldn't worry but I imagine once you get an idea in your head it is impossible to get rid of it!
Maybe for a couple of times he can take you out with him? Then you can see all he does is chat to his mates and put your mind at rest about where he goes?
I hope some of what I have said can be of use to you and I really do hope you get through this. X
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (5 November 2010):
Hi Hunny
First I have to ask have you been badly hurt before?
This could be such a fear that you have constantly thought about so often that you are actually believing your irrational thought pattern..If you constantly think and feel negative thoughts then your whole inner self will become more and more insecure and paranoid.
Its not easy to come out of that pattern once you have got into it, The only way to overcome these awfull feelings is to concenrate on the positive wonderful things about you and about your husband that you have together.
Also as soon as you find yourself going into negative thought STOP! And find something anything to focus on that makes you happy, You will probably have to keep switching back to this positive thought over and over again to start with as it really is not easy, But once you have got this into your head and you focus it will slowly but surely become more natural.
Im sending some links to help you hunny...
http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcoming-insecurity-in-relationships/
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/index.php
There are two links hunny the second one is really good Ive used it 100's of times and it has helped alot of women, I hope this helps you a little, Take care with lots of love MANDY XXXXX
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