A
female
age
36-40,
*ar88
writes:Hi I just dont know what to do. Iv been seeing this guy for a few weeks and we decided to become a couple two weeks ago. His a really nice guy with a great sense of humor, a good job and generally treats me like a princess.He told me he had a bit of a shaded past when he was younger but now that his in his mid 20s he knows its time to grow up and hasnt been doing that for about 3 years. (He football crazy so got in a couple of football fits and dabbled with a few drugs.)However Last night he rang and was being very down, One minute telling me that he thinks his fallen in love with me and then next saying he cant deal with being a realationship. Then he admitted to me that his has been taking cocaine (about once a month) and is £25,000 worth of debt.What should I do? Iv tried to be supportive but I feel totally out of my deepth,I am a young professional that works with children and hard drugs are just something gangsters do, Im totally naive about it all.His said he needs to stop which I know is a good sign. Is this all too much too soon? Please do tell me what you think. I do really like this guy but is this too much for me? Many Thanks Car xx
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female
reader, Car88 +, writes (6 November 2010):
Car88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would just like to say thank you for all your advice, I know deep down that it is no good but didnt want to be acting selfish from your responses I dont think I am being selfish.
Thank you again
Car xx
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 The ongoing drug problem is a big red flag, instead of a relationship the man needs rehab. He says he needs to stop but what is he doing to stop? Nothing..being in a relationship with this guy you're going to take on all of his problems. I know we sometimes want to help people when they're down, help them get the help we need. We do it everyday on DC. But you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. He has to admit and understand he has a drug and debt problem, but he also has to want to get help to better himself. Drug addicts like that don't want to better themselves, when they're down the drugs pick them back up. It's a nasty endless cycle, that halts when family tries to intervene. Sometimes they're successful, sometimes their attempts fail. All I'm saying is know what you're getting into, however given your path in life he may only bring you down.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 November 2010):
 I have worked with families affected by drug addiction in the past. It is a terrible thing to be an addict, but far worse for the relatives and friends at the sidelines worrying themselves sick. Drug addicts can be terrible liars, thieves and 'victim' cases who do the 'poor me' routine to the deteriment of everyone around them. They are also prone to relapse and denial about their behaviour.
He is in lots of debt and if you ever settled down with him by living together or getting married then his debt would be yours too. I saw this happen to a friend of mine who got into a right old mess with her finances because of her ex (who also had a taste for cocaine and cannnabis). It even jeopardised her chances of completing training as a forensic accountant because her ex nearly got them into bankrupt court. I think you sound like a lady with ambition and a solid background. Your boyfriend may seem exciting right now but that will wear off. Cocaine and other stimulant drugs can make someone behave like an individual with bipolar (manic) depression. Up, down and all over the place. He will only give up drugs when he wants to. Either tell him to go away, or give him a chance to put the wrongs in his life right. Your chance should come with strict rules. He should be made to attend rehabilitation and seek debt counselling to set out a plan to deal with his problems. You should never give him money or get into joint financial agreements with him under any circumstances. If he is unwilling to commit to treatment for you and the relationship, he is so not worth your time and effort.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): I think this is too much too soon.
You could lose your job with children as you would be the partner of a drug addict-and employers and parents alike understandably don't want their children exposed to this.
Say to him that you are too different to work as a couple-you don't understand drugs and being honest you don't want to. It is a world he has got himself into and needs to get himself out of. To be kind you could suggest he visits his doctor and asks them for the help to get rid of his addiction but he can only do this is he is ready and wants to.
Its going to be hard as you do like him and he may not take it easily and might try to win you back but stay strong and think of your future.
Good Luck and I hope you can take something from my comments x
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (5 November 2010):
Get out of there. Too many times I have heard stories like this when one person is on drugs and in debt and they always seem to end up with the innocent person losing out.
You have only been seeing him for a few weeks and it is a good time to get out before things get too serious.
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