A
male
age
41-50,
*lastoplast
writes:I am very confused, partly because I don't know where the problem actually lies. I broke up with my girlfriend of three years after drunkenly cheating on her- the only time I had done so. I didn't tell her this, instead saying that I wanted time to work on my projects (I am an artist). We had an awful break up that caused us both much pain and heartache as we were very much in love at the time. Since then she has been determined to move on- she went and lived abroad last year and has had some other relationships. I on the other hand have changed jobs for the worse and had a few drunken one night stands. When she returned from living abroad, it was over a year after our break up and we tried to be friends, but lapsed into being flirty and ended up sleeping together occasionally for the next six months. We then made a conscious decision to stop this.Since then she's starting seeing someone else relatively seriously and I have been consumed with jealousy. It is quite clear (and she has said herself) that her new one is a less intense relationship than ours. She has also said that she doesn't want to get back with me because she doesn't allow herself to want to. Whenever we are around each other we get on so well and are very physical with one another. So I don't know what is causing this intense feeling of sickness and jealousy over two years after our break up. I am torn between thinking that it is because we were such a good match for each other and on the other hand that I have been too afraid to play the field. Although I am good looking and outgoing I can never admit that I am attracted to anyone for fear of rejection. How do i work it out? Time away from her is very difficult because we have exactly the same group of friends and interests. And besides, I felt 'over' the whole thing before after not seeing her for several months only for it all to re-emerge the second she returned.
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broke up, drunk, flirt, jealous, move on, one night stand Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, elastoplast +, writes (30 August 2009):
elastoplast is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, that is a good suggestion. It would give me 'closure' on this situation. My reservations are that I would be using her for my own selfish reasons after already hurting her so much. She has already moved on and it would be dragging up old stuff for her. Also I am terribly afraid to do it...she would have to talk about it with our mutual friends and I dont know if i can cope with being so exposed.
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (28 August 2009):
 maybe you need to come to terms with the reason you ended it being the cheating and tell her that reason and maybe you'll find it changes things and perhaps it'll become in a way EASIER for you to move on because you'll feel right i know NOW i've got no chance of ever getting back with her but because you've never told her the reason to her you've still got a chance.
you see?
and don't worry about the star rating :P it's cool.
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A
male
reader, elastoplast +, writes (28 August 2009):
elastoplast is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, for some reason i accidentally gave this reply a 1* when it was supposed to be 4/5! Anyway, i wanted to say thank you for such a perceptive answer. I do feel high levels of guilt for what I did and regret for ending what had been an amazing relationship. Perhaps this will always hamper me in moving on. I should probably think of it as if I have been dumped myself and try to get over it in that way. It's difficult when you are supposed to have been through that stage and are fine with being 'friends' now.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (28 August 2009):
well this maybe because you're still feeling so guilty for what happened aka you cheating on her and you've still not technically told her why you ended it you made up an excuse.
i think you still cared for her and deeply regret what you did and you still want you guys to be together because as you've said you guys are a perfect match for eachother and get on so well and there is clearly still a physical attraction between you both.
i think you regret doing what you did and letting her slip away and you hoped that maybe you guys would fall back into place and now she's said she doesn't allow herself to fall back in place with you you are in fear that you'll never find another like her and are in some ways afraid to move on should anything happen and she wants you back but you're already involved with someone else.
basically you're keeping your options open in the hope she ends up coming back to you despite everything that was said and that has been done.
hope this helps.
x ilovebowsandcherries x
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