A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I was wondering about something. Lets just say my current girlfriend has slept with around 30+ guys/girls. She used to be into group sex, threesomes and one night stands. I ask her why and she said she was heavily intoxicated or under drugs like X, cocaine, pot. She said she changed and all that is in her.... PAST. the dreaded past. I hate it because she acts like there is nothing wrong... but it eats me up. She is only in her mid 20s. And I think that is way too many partners. I try to get over it but her past is killing me and when I think about it, it just makes my stomach burn. She said she has true feelings for me and I make her feel very special. I dunno if she just wants me to be another number or she wants a serious relationship with me. I on the other hand have only been with 2 girls. I guess thats why im so jealous. lol. I know thats a big gap. 2 and 30+. lol.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): You have lived by one code of sexual morality and she has lived by another. It's a bad match. "It happened in the past" but it is affecting the present. Don't apologize for how you feel.Just don't stay with her and be angry at her about it all the time. That is not fair to either one of you. Her decisions are not something for her to stay ashamed about forever, it is just a compatibility problem between you and her. Either you want to stay in a relationship with someone of her type or you don't.
A
male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (29 August 2009):
people posted a lot of good on minehttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-her-promicuous-past-including.html
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 August 2009):
 This is a very common problem, it comes up here almost daily it seems! So you're not alone, and your reaction is not weird. I have some suggestions:
First you need to decide whether you want to stay with her. It's not going to be easy to get over this, and you'll probably never get over it completely. Her past will never change, you're going to have to accept her and what she did if you want the situation to improve. If you know now that you're not up for that, then you might consider saving you both a lot of heartache and ending the relationship.
But if you really love her and are set on staying with her and coping with this then there's things you can do. I can tell you what worked for me at least:
- Stop discussing details of her past with her. By all means discuss her emotional state, how she was feeling, but don't dig into specific acts, drugs, events and so on. That information is only going to haunt you. It's fuelling the fire, which is exactly the opposite of what you want. There is no sordid detail about her past that you learning about is going to help. It's only going to hurt.
- Accept that this is not her issue, but yours. Yes she had an unsavoury past, but that was before she met you and has nothing to do with that. She's not like that now, people do change. The issue you face is coping with YOUR emotions and thoughts. There's very little she can do to help you, you have to find a way to help yourself. And that starts my accepting that this is fully your issue. Take her out of the equation. Stop judging her and what she did. That will only lead you to more pain, it's not a way out. And it will also hurt her.
- Learn how to cope better with the 'episodes' when they happen. By 'episodes' I mean the bad moments when you can't get thoughts of her past out of your head, and you get all torn up inside. Understand the cycle:
1. Something triggers a thought about her past
2. Your negative emotions surge in reaction to this thought
3. Your mind, assailed by these negative emotions, thinks more about her past
4. ... and more negative emotions result
This is a loop. The thoughts make you feel terrible, which make you think more, which makes you feel more terrible, and so on and so on.
You say it yourself:
"I try to get over it but her past is killing me and WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, it just makes my stomach burn."
The answer is in your question: what you need to do is quite literally not think about it.
You won't be able to stop the initial thought and feelings. I don't recommend trying to: that's just repressing strong feelings that need to come out. Accept the initial thought, and allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that come.
What you can do is stop the subsequent thoughts (step 3 above). When your mind is grinding and your stomach burning, don't think more about her past. Don't let the emotions make you feel you need to think more about it. You don't, that is a trap. Either blank your mind, or find something else to think about. Something positive about her, or just something unrelated. Distract yourself, break the loop.
In my personal experience, i found that once i realized i didn't have to fall into the trap of thinking more and more about her past, I became less afraid of the images and thoughts. Because I knew I could pull out of the nose dive (really not easily to start with), the situation didn't feel so desperate. And then over time they became less and less effective. I still get them now, several years later, but they come and go very briefly so that I barely notice them. It took a long time, but it gradually improved.
I gave some specific tips in this other thread here, perhaps some you'll find helpful:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
Best of luck
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