A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a seventeen year old guy and my best friend is a sixteen year old girl who I get on with better than I do with my own family. We are really close; I trust her with pretty much everything - to be honest I'd rather live with her than with my own family[!!] I love her like a sister and I couldn't live without her, but we've been having issues with me not showing her any friendly affection like hugs. She nearly always initiates it. I didn't really know it bothered her much but apparently it sort of upsets her that I'm all publicly physically flirty with girls that mean little or nothing to me but I won't [or rarely] even initiate a hug with her, whether we are in public or just alone chillin out. Its not that I don't want to show her I care about her and I don't want her to feel like its onesided -- she says it can feel like I don't want to but go along with it anyway -- I don't want her to feel like that. She's my best friend and I know I can initiate hugs sometimes but when it gets round to it I just don't unless I'm under the pressure I put on myself that I know she'll be upset or disappointed if I continue to be so flirty affectionate with people who mean close to nothing to me but not family\friendly affectionate with the one best friend who really does mean a lot to me. Why do I do this?!? It frustrates both of us.
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female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (21 April 2012):
 When you have a best friend and it gets to this point, the best thing is to talk to her and have it all out in the open. Why it feels odd hugging her. She's been thinking about it for ages. If you have feelings for her let her know if you don't tell her its platonic. You've said yourself it may be that you're also developing feelings. Think about it on your own first then have a talk with her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): op again.
thank you everyone for your comments. i'm not sure my question was clear enough because I'm not uncomfortable hugging her but for some reason I couldn't seem to initiate a hug. nothing about attraction or flirting, it was just what i'm like with other girls and man-hugging other guys.
i actually kind of agree with you imheretohelpyou because it makes sense in a roundabout sort of way. It may be that. I wont rule it out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): I'm the op again. That's the thing I don't feel uncomfortable with hugging her because I hug everyone near enough. Affection like you would with a close family member nothing more nothing less. I like hugging her because she has helped me through a lot and it means a lot to me but everyone is right that I don't show it at all very well but I want to. She's the first person I've ever been close to who hasn't been my girlfriend at some point but I'm closer to her than I've ever been to every single one of them. A hug isn't about attraction for me, id hug anyone which I think it a bit worse because I think im afraid of hugging her first because it will be me showing myself that we really are like family and I've always been distant to my family and I don't want that to happen with her and I need to get over it but I don't know how.
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A
female
reader, jr23 +, writes (20 April 2012):
 You said yourself you love her like a SISTER, so being affectionate with her would feel weird since you are not attracted to her. I think you need to talk to her about this, maybe she is unaware of how uncomfortable it makes you. If you truly feel like you can tell her anything, then just be honest with her. Tell her you care about her, and love her as a sister, but you don't want the physical contact. She should be able to understand that just because she likes to hug close friends doesn't mean everyone else is the same way. You should never feel forced to hug/be affectionate with someone if you really don't want to. As for getting jealous when you talk to and hug other girls, this could mean she either secretly likes you as more than a friend, or she's afraid that if you get into a relationship you'll spend all your time with your girlfriend and stop hanging out with her. You shouldn't feel guilty about it, though. You're single, and you should enjoy it. You can't help that you are attracted to girls and want to flirt with them and hug them. My advice is just don't do it in front of her anymore since you know it makes her feel bad.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): I'm the op. I did not write the title. I thought it was clear in my detail that it is FRIENDLY AFFECTION for my best friend. I don't know why it says FLIRTY AFFECTION in the title.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): For you hugs are something that you do with girls your physically or sexually attracted to so of course it feels yucky to do it with a sister type friend. It feels inappropriate to you thus you're uncomfortable. But she doesn't see hugs the same way. She sees it as a sign of closeness so that's why she is upset you wont hug her but you'll hug total strangers.
Personally I think she should back off. You can change your outward behavior and hug her more but you cant really change your instinctive uncomfortable feelings about it. It will still feel wrong. She will not be able to get from you the right kind of hug she wants so she needs to adjust her expectations to match reality.
I am a woman and have always had many close male friends but I never hug them except on very rare occasions. The only ones I did hug were those who later on became my boyfriends and the hugging only started after the relationship turned romantic.
She might also be jealous of the girls you're flirting with. Not cos she's attracted to you that way but cos they will take your time away from her if the flirting leads to a relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 April 2012):
 You are not supposed to be flirty -affectionate, read : touchy-feely, with a platonic friend, if you want to keep the friendship. You don't have of course, to jump back as if bitten by a snake if she hugs you, but , if she is really JUST such a good friend, you should treat each other same as you treat your same sex friends. No romantic undertones whatsoever, so nothing flirty. I think that she realizes that, so if she is jealous of your flirty attentions to other girls , either she is a big attention hog, or her feelings for you are not entirely platonic.
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