A
female
age
41-50,
*arinite
writes:Why am I never good enough for more than dating or them wanting sex?!? They don't get the goodies, but that seems to be the only thing men want from me. I'm an attractive woman and get told this many many times by men and women alike. I'm good-hearted, have reams of confidence and always see the best in any situation. I do not give off the vibe that I want sex or I'm easy, nor do want to be. I'm now fed up as I want to find love, not lust or be someones time waster/something to do. I'm a decent person, I work, I have 3 children and really enjoy my life. I just don't get out much so have to rely on online dating. Please could anyone offer some help/advice as I'm really quite upset over the time I wasted on someone that I thought was not like other men I'd met online. I feel like my dating confidence has just knocked out of the ball park and I'm actually scared now to get back out there. Has anyone here before? Could anyone offer some advice please? x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): Lots of guys on line are looking for a free lay. They browse through women talking to hundreds of them, and pick the ones they can get it on.
That's why on line dating can be tricky.though I know few couples with children now who met online. Your situation is a bit tougher as you have 3 kids. And I assume they are still very young.
The best way to find someone I discovered is through mutual friends or hobbies. I met my boyfriend through kayaking club. He loves outdoors, and though I am not as much into this as him, I spent lots of hours on a water, lol, because I liked him. And slowly we began dating.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2014): Olderthandirt the OP isn't saying that she's not interested in sex, she's saying that's ALL these men seem to be after and she wants more than that. Your answer makes me sad because there seems to be this mentality amongst a lot of men out there at the moment, that they have the divine right to be completely sexually fulfilled at all times and that the women they date should accept that is how men are and get on with it no questions asked. Well maybe men should realise how women are and that they have to be willing to put forward what she wants too.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (8 December 2014):
I 100% agree with Honeypie. If you don't want to have sex until you are in a relationship or at least heading that way, then wait. If some guys are too 'sex starved' or whatever to wait for you then they are clearly not looking for the things you are and are therefore not worth worrying about.
It might be an idea to try to meet people in real life too though, as I do believe a lot of men think online dating is a sure fire way to meet women desperate enough to have sex straight away (not all think like this thankfully but there are chancers out there). Have you tried joining clubs or taking a night class that might appeal to both men and women?
Finally, I know it's disheartening but please stop using phrases like 'why am I not good enough for....' You've just not met the right one yet, it's got nothing to do with your self worth so don't tie them together.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 December 2014):
 There is nothing wrong with you for NOT wanting to put out till you feel things are going in the direction you WANT it to go.
My advice if these guys have all been from 1 dating site, switch to another and see what happens. If it's a "free" dating site it might be the "dating pool" is just too full of guy who are looking for sex, not love.
Also the guy who you go out on dates with, do they all contact you on the dating site or are some of them men YOU have picked out ? If they are ALL guy that contact YOU first, try and "shop" around and contact guys who's profile looks RIGHT to you. I say this because my BIL and a good friend of mine, are both doing the dating site thing, and for a long time they DATED people who contacted THEM - the people they ended up with were not only people with a LOT of baggage but people who were looking for a casual thing more then a relationship thing.
I'd say stick to your guns and BE upfront about what you are looking for.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 December 2014):
 Maybe you have the idea that if you don't put out soon, then it means the guy will love you in order to have sex. It works for some guys but you have to realize online, many guys had been starved for a long time and they can't afford to wait months to have sex. It's not that you are not good enough. They don't even have the patience to see if you are good enough. Chances are they don't feel good enough themselves. Some people don't even link waiting for sex with respect. You do it because your body wants it. It's that simple. I don't get why love and lust can't be together. If you hold out you can weed out guys who just want sex, which is what you are good at doing however holding out, or showing you don't want sex does not automatically make men love you.
Being successful and attractive makes you a good candidate for a job but if you want to find love it's important that you are open to it, and that you are receptive to a man's affections. For example, if you reject a man's kiss after a few dates the man is just going to feel you don't like him at all. It doesn't translate to him that you demand respect and you are not easy.
I have nothing against taking it slow according to your comfort level but realistically, the waiting game works for young people but not 30's and beyond. Having 3 kids also scares some men off as many previous relationships probably ended due to stress and no time to nurture relationships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2014): It's probably just that the men you are meeting suck. The thing with online dating that leads to this kind of dynamic is the mere nature of it. Think about it. Have you EVER met a man who is out there actively looking for a relationship? Cause I haven't! Every man I've ever met is looking for sex, let's be realistic. When a single man goes to a bar, a party or a wedding, he's not thinking, "maybe I'll meet the love of my life!" No...he's thinking, "maybe I'll get laid!"
When a guy gets on a dating website, nothing changes, he is still a man looking for sex. The only difference is he is no longer leaving it to chance! Now he is so desperate for it that he is resorting to shopping online for it. In other words, knowing the nature of men, you should be even more skeptical of men via online dating than meeting one by chance. As the level of desperation for sex is even greater when a man goes shopping for it online. Think about it...
And in no scenario are you ever going to hear a man admit that all he wants is sex. He'll tell you what you want to hear till you give in.
You really should not go on a dating website with any expectation different than the one I described above.
My advice: stay away from dating sites. They are breeding grounds for the kind of outcome you've grown used to. Why don't you get involved in hobbies and in more wholesome endeavors. Go to the gym, take a pottery class, get involved in a spiritual class. And be outgoing and talk to men and try to develop friendships with them. You have a WAY better chance finding what you are looking for this way than through a "dating" aka sex site.
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A
female
reader, sarinite +, writes (8 December 2014):
sarinite is verified as being by the original poster of the question It's not that I do not want sex, I want to be in a relationship, not just dating them.
I can date if I want to!
So why are you tell me that in order to date I have to expect to offer up sex because a man wants it? What about being in love and feeling something? I can't just have sex with a man because I want to date, that's ludicrous!!!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 December 2014):
 Relationships 101;
A, He always wants sex
B, If you don't, don't date
C, If you do but not with him,break up
D, If you want a really nice guy that doesn't want to bother you,date a gay guy.
Sorry...but it's not fair and guys are not what you want them to be.
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