A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I flatted with another couple and a guy this year. We moved out of the flat a couple of weeks ago but I still have to finish collecting my stuff and do a clean. I have planned to do this in two weeks time. Our lease runs out in mid january. Yesterday the girl messaged me and was really rude about me getting my stuff out of the flat. I told her that I was having difficulty organizing a time to do so and explained the reasons. The flat is two hours away from where we are now so it will take a decent amount of time. She responded with a personal attack on me. This girl and her partner have been dictators of the flat all year and I'd had enough of it so I gave her a telling off. I'm usually a very nice and calm person so it took them by surprise. She kept pn attacking me while saying it was nothing personal. My boyfriend did not take my side and actually asked me to apologize and ask for forgiveness even though he feels the same way about them as I do. I'm upset at him for just letting this girl be so awful to me. Is this a sign he's not right for me?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 December 2014):
 If you're still paying rent, you can have your stuff there for as long as you damn well feel like it! She would be in the right only if you were DONE paying rent. This other woman is in the wrong for demanding you take your things out of a residence that you are STILL currently paying for.
As for your boyfriend, he was in the wrong for suggesting that you apologize. That is between you and this other woman, to heal or to rift a relationship as you see fit. I get the vibe that he hates conflict and wanted you to apologize to be the bigger person. Since it's definitely that you're NOT in the wrong, he needs to not cower from conflict. He may be the type of person to apologize just to end friction even if the other person is wrong.
You do NOT want to hide behind a boyfriend and expect him to fight your battles. Your boyfriend should have been Switzerland, meaning he can listen to you, but he should have remained neutral to the issue between you and this other woman that isn't his business.
It isn't your boyfriend's place to LET or not let another woman speak to you any such way. You can fight your battles and do not need him.
If this woman moves or throws out anything of yours before the rent period ends, you'd have a pretty serious civil case against her.
As long as you pay, you have residency rights. Doesn't mean the place can be a trash pit, but you can store there until your rental period is done. If she doesn't like it, she can pay your half of the rent to speed up your exodus.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2014):
 I agree wholeheartedly with SCV.
You do not NEED a MAN to fight your battles and in this case... I think he was right. Instead of getting into a argument over the phone with this lady, let her know that you are STILL paying rent til MID January and thus have AMPLE time to come collect your stuff and then CUT the conversation short - yelling and screaming at each other is NOT helping anything.
You never know what that woman is capable and SHE has ACCESS to your STUFF.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 December 2014):
 I would so NOT want my husband to fight my battles.
I'm a big girl and if i get myself into a pickle (as you did) I can get myself out.
It's not like a man twice your size physically attacked you. (in that case all bets are off and my husband can kill him for all I would care)
I see your boyfriend's POV. That girl as ignorant and as wrong as she is HAS YOUR STUFF... do not piss of a person that you need something from.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 December 2014):
 Ugh. How is him not fighting your battles for you supposed to me he isn't "right" for you? No, he's not right for you, if you want a gorilla who will fight your battles for you, without having the brains to think for himself or act as an individual...
Look, you're an adult. You're not a 5 year old being bullied, and your boyfriend is not your daddy. You're a grown up woman, who DELIBERATELY got into a fight with another grown up woman. So what if she was nasty, you said yourself you haven't blown up on her before. But now you did, and things escalated (of course they escalated, have you never been in a fight before, that's what happens when you start yelling back).
Im sorry she upset you, but it is not your boyfriends job to fight your battled for you, especially when you yourself weren't exactly innocent. You went at her in return, and you know what my teachers used to tell me when I was 6 years old? That if I was bullied, I can run tell the teachers. But if I got back at them, I had no business running to the teachers.
You got back at her. You have no business running to your boyfriend. You have no business running to him anyway, actually, as you're not a little kiddo. You can go to him for support or a listening ear, but you're way off expecting him to fight your battles or automatically just take your side. Maybe you were a completely bitch for all I know, or maybe you were as good as a saint. But your boyfriend still has every right to NOT side with you, if he doesn't agree with what you did.
Sorry, but I think expecting a partner to just agree with you like that, is completely insane.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2014): This is the op. I'm still paying rent. I will be for another month and a half yet. I handled it badly but she said personal things about me and I would never do that to her.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 December 2014):
 Apparently, you're quite capable of speaking up for yourself when the need arises (as you should be since you're a grown woman). So I don't know why your boyfriend has come to charging in like a one man army whenever you get into a war of words, particularly with another woman.What was he supposed to do here? Engage her in a screaming match and have HER boyfriend get involved? Something you seem to have forgotten is there isn't the same taboo about hitting a man, so of the two of you, your boyfriend is the one most likely to be assaulted and/or face legal consequences if the issue escalates to violence. He may agree with your position but not like or agree with the way in which you handled it. He's not obliged to stick his neck out when you do the wrong thing.And you've done the wrong thing here. These former flatmates are not obliged to store your property for free until you get around to collecting it. It's been two weeks already and now you're talking about ANOTHER two. That puts it at Christmas which means it's even less likely to happen. Even if it does happen, is that how they want to spend their holiday? She had every right to tell you off. You're supposed to take your things with you when you leave. Hurry up and get your stuff and stop dicking these people about. You're an adult so you don't need your boyfriend to fight your battles for you. Especially not those you bring on yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2014): The only case I would tell you to move on is if your boyfriend had stayed out of it altogether. If he said, "leave me out of it." Then that would show he is a wimp.
But he didn't do that. He is involved and he did take a side, it might not be the reaction you want but that is his advice and he prefers to take the high road. He is a man and he doesn't think it is appropriate to get in a shouting match with a WOMAN. He just wants you to be a LADY about this. You are going to meet difficult people all the time. He doesn't want to defend you flying off the handle and insulting or telling off people just because you don't get along. So show him that you can be reasonable and if you insulted this girl just apologize, get your stuff and be done with them.
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