A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi good people, I’m feeling a bit down today and was hoping you might be able to offer me some advice or even just words of comfort.I’m 32 (33 in July) and I’ve been single for 3 years now. My previous long-term relationship was rocky and I’m definitely much happier now I’m out of it, but I’ve not been having much luck with dating.I don’t seem to have any problems getting dates, but so many of the men I date seem to make it crystal clear that I’m not their first choice. They either seem to be hung up on their exes, pining after female friends that have no romantic interest in them, or simply on the look out for someone ‘better’. The long term relationship I mentioned was very much like that too - it became clear over time that he’d never got over his ex girlfriend and I was made to feel like I never quite lived up to her (despite the fact she cheated on him and dumped him for the othe guy). I didn’t realise the extent of this until I was out of the relationship, but looking back I can now see it clearly and it does seem to be a pattern in my relationships now that I think about it.Now I’m much more in tune to it and unwilling to put up with it, but it’s happening so regularly I’m starting to worry that I’m just not the type of woman men are proud to go out with.I look at my two younger sisters and their husbands, and their husbands genuinely seem to feel so lucky to be with them - they act like all of their Christmases have come at once, and the way they look at my sisters is just lovely (and vice versa of course). I’ve never had anyone look at me like that and it makes me sad. I really just want a relationship where we’re both excited and proud to have each other, rather than always feeling like they just biding their time until they can get the one they really want/something better. Has anyone got any advice on what I might be doing wrong? I know that my other single friend feels the exact same way as I do so maybe it’s a sign of the times, but given I’m the common denominator here I need to face the fact that I might be doing something to cause this. I’ve tried to date different types of men too - shy, confident, arty, logical etc etc. And I don’t have a set physical type either so I don’t think it’s that. What do you reckon? Am I expecting too much to want to feel like my partner is happy and proud to have me? Is this just part of the ‘frog kissing’ stage people talk about? Or is it online dating that makes people more picky? Or are some people just not ‘first choice’ dating material, to put it bluntly?Any advice you can offer will be much appreciated. Thanks everyone.
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male
reader, BE125  +, writes (1 June 2018):
Hi, I think as long as you are being yourself, it is impossible to do anything wrong. One thing that may help you is what someone told me. They said I have to get over the “big lie” - the big lie is when we assume that everyone around us (in this case your sisters) are doing just fine and have perfect lives and I must be doing something wrong because I don’t seem to be as happy as they are..I promise you none of that is true. You seem like a very fine person. Don’t think for one minute that your sisters have perfect relationships. It just doesn’t work that way. A friend of mine also said that not everyone who is married or in a relationship is happy about it. The trouble is you may never see the other side of the story, and perhaps not having that full access to your sisters lives makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong. I haven’t seen a marriage yet that was anywhere near perfect. So don’t let someone else’s apparent happiness make you feel inadequate. I can almost guarantee there are days where your sisters wish they were in your shoes! Good luck!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 May 2018):
 Being the "first choice" doesn't always mean the "best choice". So I'd reconsider that notion.
BUT while in the first 2-3 months of dating a guy either TALKS a lot about or to an ex (OH we are just super close friends.. blah blah) - I'd end it asap and walk away. Someone who hasn't let go of the ex while "trying" it out with a new person is just a waste of time - because THEY spend so much time comparing. But not a realistic comparison - they look at all the great stuff from their past with an ex or all the bad stuff - NOT taking any responsibility for what really went down. If that makes sense?
We all compare people a little. BUT if we are OVER an ex we are more focused on getting to KNOW a new person not comparing them to an ex.
And I agree with Code Warrior - if you don't want to be second choice, remember that when you DO accept a date.. don't go out with someone who isn't a "first" choice for you either.
For now though, I'd take a little break from dating, just go out and meet new people (and no, not talking hooking up or ONS's, OK?) Just go out and have fun with friends and family. Find things that you enjoy. Be it art galleries, theater, music, museums etc.
I don't think online dating are making people more "picky" but more flighty. It's like a butterfly that got let into a hothouse filled with flowers! They see ALL these options and just flitter from person to person not really knowing WHAT they want in a partner, WHAT they themselves have to offer or what they REALLY want out of meeting all these people.
It's like some people date MULTIPLE people at the same time thinking if they date 10 people (no sex but a lot of dates and chatting) then the likelihood of them finding a good one gets higher - but I disagree. If you are dating 10 people at the same time you are NOT giving ANY of them proper attention and you are stretching yourself thin. Instead... BE more selective. Don't talk online for 2-3 months before meeting them. And if you don't feel they are a good fit after 1-2 dates, then stop seeing that person and move on.
KNOW what you would like in a partner. And I don't mean a laundry list of things he has to "check off". KNOW your own worth and what YOU have to offer.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2018): Quite honestly I cant think of anything worse than going on an endless series of dates looking gor a special somebody.It sounds so mandatory and picking over someones personality in such artificial situations seems soul destroying!Take a break from dating and only interact with people you already know.Brush up your self esteem by doing things that make you happy and start a saving account where you stash that date wasting cash for yourself.As for family, of course your sisters are going to look adoringly at hubby and vice versa at family bbqs etc because thats their moment!And its no time to let you know about their cracks in their relationships etc.Love comes to you when you least expect it so just concentrate on yourself.You dont need a team of men to criticise you.You just need one ordinary man who you agree to love in an super ordinary way without violins and public accolades.Ditch the dating sites and forget facebook.You can make your life valuable from where you are without manipulated flattery and criticism.You are worth it so stop worrying about people you will never care about and vice versa.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2018): As others have already advised - GET OUT THERE and meet more people. Dating is a numbers game. This is especially true the older we get and even more so for women (sorry if I sound harsh, I too am a woman and I'm in my early forties).Try to widen your circle and meet some new people. Be more discriminating. Don't brush off your intuition or other warning signs. Don't let these men waste your time. Don't let them string you along. While you're investing your time and energy in them, they're taking the place of someone who deserves you or someone who shares the same vision. I don't think they are necessarily bad people. Especially not the ones who are straight with you and let you know from the start that they want nothing serious. The worst are the ones who do everything they can to make you believe that they're into you, so that they can get your attention and other things they want. Then you feel horrible about yourself because they either do not move to the next level or leave you all together. You feel that you have lost something, whereas they were never real to begin with. There are women who do exactly the same thing. I once had a bf whom I told from the start that this was fun and nothing else. I left him after 4 months, a clean cut. I never pretended that I wanted a future with him. It was what it was. he told me he was devastated. But I never lied and led him along. I also had a bf who was stringing me along for a couple of months, before deciding to ditch me. At the time I was sad, but he thought me a valuable lesson - there are men like him, and now I knew how to spot them. I've learned the ropes so to speak. It's your decision. Be brave do not let the life blackmail you. Just because you (maybe) feel lonely and have stupid thoughts that you'll end up alone, don't settle for being someones time-filler. You say you're not their 1st choice. I'd say you're not their choice for a gf at all. The moment they start dumping on you their sad stories you're in a friend zone. Or worse you're not their friend, your their dump - a place where they can unburden themselves and get sympathy and attention. Nip that in the bud and move on. Don't wait for them to make this decision for you.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (28 May 2018):
 In simple terms, you are doing nothing wrong.
You simply have yet to meet your Mr Right.
How will i be able to know? You may ask.
It's within your gut, within your heart.
If/when you meet the "right" guy for you, you WILL KNOW and above all else, you WILL FEEL.
It really is that simple.
You should never simply settle for any man, but you want to meet, "the man". The man "best suited" to you.
You will know when this happens, because as i mentioned before, you will simply see/know/feel and yes, hear.
Sometimes it can take time to get to know somebody really well, to find out what all their strengths and weaknesses are, but if you really feel that the guy is right for you, then you will be patient and get to know each other better and if it's not meant to be, then you can be upfront about that and move on.
I don't mean to sound rude, however, please try not to be too hard on yourself, learn to work on your inner self and perhaps even, your self esteem.
You need not doubt yourself or your ability to eventually meet somebody who is "right for you".
Do not worry about your sisters relationships, because they are they and you are you.
You are unique, you live your own life and if it's meant to happen, your day/time will come to be with the right suitor.
The real key to life and to inner happiness and general success, is to learn to "accept" whatever the outcome, no matter how hard this may seem.
When we can come to "accept" all situations, knowing that we cannot "always" control everything that happens to us and when different things happen, the make or break really does lie in "acceptance".
We can come to realise, that things aren't so bad and that we all have our own life paths and they don't need to be the same as other people's or even match up to other people's and this is what makes us "unique".
In some ways, you can consider yourself, blessed and fortunate, in that you've not "remained" with the "wrong" guy, as sadly, many women do.
As the saying goes, it's better to be single and happy, than to be involved and unhappy.
Again, if/when you are supposed to be with your Mr Right, it will happen.
Until then, just try to remain as happy, as focused and as positive as you can and DO TAKE YOUR TIME. NO RUSH.
Do a bit of reading regarding men, relationships and love.
If you are a spiritual person, perhaps you could pray, reflect, meditate and ask your Guardian Angels to send somebody special your way.
We are all different and we all have different thoughts and belief systems, so whatever you feel most comfortable doing, is what you should do.
Be patient and try not to worry needlessly regarding something you have no real power or control over.
If/when the time is right, it will happen for you.
If you find that down the line, you are still feeling very low, or feeling unhappy about your love life, then it may be a good idea to speak to a professional.
I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 May 2018):
 I think you hit the nail on the head when you asked if this was all part of the "frog kissing" process. Dating is all about "trying before you buy". It carries on and carries on until you meet ONE person who is right for you. For some, finding that one person takes a little longer than for others, for many reasons including that some are more picky than others (that is not a criticism) and some just have better luck than others.
Years ago, people settled down in their late teens/early 20s and had families straight away, because that was the norm. Some led happy lives, many were not so happy. Most stuck to their marriages because divorce carried a stigma and because women could seldom support themselves, let alone children. Nowadays people are much more able to be picky and cast aside what does not suit them. With that comes years of dating "unsuitables" until you - hopefully - meet the one person you can be happy with.
I think also, as you get older, the people who are available to date inevitably come with more "baggage" because they have lived longer and have experienced more.
Stick to your standards. Never let anyone make you feel you are second best. Wish them well and excuse yourself from the situation, as you have been doing. One day you will meet someone who wants to be with you over all others. Just be careful that you don't "settle" for that person for that reason alone. Hopefully you will feel the same way about him and then it will be game over.
Good luck. Hang in there. It will be worth it in the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2018): Impatience and pessimism is written all over your post, my dear. That, and your envy over what your sisters have.
You have to be a fly on the wall to know what happens in private in a marriage; what you see in public isn't always the true story. Nobody wants the world to think their marriage is less than picture-perfect; so there's a lot of smiling for the cameras, and play-acting to hide their flaws. Trust me on that!
I'm not saying they're not happy, or they're marriages aren't good; just that people tend to make their domestic-situations appear better than it really is. They like the kind of compliments you gave them in your post. So they will strenuously keep-up all appearances. Even show-off!
"I look at my two younger sisters and their husbands, and their husbands genuinely seem to feel so lucky to be with them - they act like all of their Christmases have come at once, and the way they look at my sisters is just lovely (and vice versa of course)"
The operative-word is, they "act" like it's so perfect. You need to watch them during, and after, a fight. They secretly envy your freedom and independence. Spending your money any way you want, dressing like a floozie if you like; and you don't answer to anybody. It's your decision, and that's that!
You've got the dating-doldrums everybody gets sooner or later. You're dealing with a culture infected by social media. Lacking manners, social-graces, and interactive-skills. A high percentage of people dating have no clue what they're looking for. Most wouldn't even match what they want; and many come from dysfunctional-families. In truth, they don't know how to maintain a relationship; for the lack of any decent examples in their lives to go by. Most males have no positive male role-models. They have to look to sports, movies, video-game characters, and TV. Not even their own flesh and blood-relations!
Most kids nowadays grow-up without a father in their homes. Most dad's are just a check in the male, invisible, or was only a sperm-donor! So who teaches boys how to be men? Who teaches girls what a good man is? Single-moms are phenomenal ladies; but they don't know how to be or think, like a man.
Athletes, politicians, and celebrities are ego-maniacs, man-whores, and wife-beaters. No one seems to care about or look-up to the true-heroes anymore. They're too goodie two-shoes, or too nice! In our modern-culture, social media allows everyone to be assholes to each other. So you have to navigate through a forest of ass-holes! That's called natural-selection. It's science and biology! It natural and necessary in life.
So I guess that means you have to pick through a lot of rubbish to find a decent and reliable mate. So be patient. Jewels are rare, and it takes time to find things that are precious and valuable. You have to be prepared to reciprocate as good as they are capable of giving. So if you're mining for love-treasure, and you strike gold or diamonds. Your wealth and fortune can only last; if you know the value, and how to preserve and keep them.
I read a lot of complaining about how bad men are, day after day. Well I also read about a lot of female insecurities, trust-issues, body-image issues, and constant blaming men for everything. How is it our fault for those who never dated anybody? Hey, sometimes you've got to own some of your own faults and mistakes. What's the point of knowing your faults and/or admitting them, but doing nothing about them?
Online, men and women both are just bratty-kids in a candy shop. They think they're shopping on Amazon for somebody perfect to cater to all their whims, overlook all their shortcomings, kiss their asses, and bend-over backwards trying to please them. Good luck people! Reality will be waiting down here for you all; when you comeback down to earth!
All those options and variety is bewildering. So many are awkward and socially-challenged; so it becomes a more difficult process of selection, in spite of the vast number of single and available people. It's just that much harder; because everybody wants somebody perfect.
Either they can't see their own flaws, or to the other extreme. They're too wrapped-up in insecurity and distrust to enjoy potential prospects.
Never give-up hope on yourself; or be defeated by a few setbacks. Cynicism and frustration will become bitterness. That shows. You can't hide it. Desperation also shows, and you can't hide that either. Just chill.
When you can't date for keeps, and you can't checkoff enough boxes to meet your better criteria; simply enjoy the company, and date for the fun of it. You need companionship. Shopping for a husband or being on a manhunt turns women into obsessed maniacs. They start to hate men, not realizing both sides are hitting walls. Everybody is being overly-cautious; and everyone has their own set of unrealistic-expectations, and an idealized-prototype of "the perfect mate." They'll be waiting sipping champagne from the Holy Grail. Be real, selective, don't settle; or sell yourself short. Unless you're a hot mess and have nothing to offer. Then work has to be done before you go man-hunting.
Stop killing yourself about how long since the last date. Stop expecting every date to turn into something long-term; before you really know whom you're really dealing with. If they don't call-back, or seem disinterested...ditch him!!!
Next!
Your story is told over and over again. Only, men tell the same story you're telling. They can't even like someone before she's rolled out a 10-foot list of insecurities he's got to dance around, or horror-stories of how all her exes treated her. She's holding a net behind her back; ready to toss it over him on the first-date! She knows she likes him before she even knows exactly who or what he is!
Take it day by day. Treat yourself to lovely vacations, travel to exotic places, make friends, and enjoy life. Until you run into someone that was destined to cross your path. Until then, just date for fun. Dump them as soon as you feel they're wasting your time; or he gets flaky on you.
Don't try to force people to behave the way you expect or want them to; or cling to some jerk you can clearly see he's a total dick, with your eyes closed! Get used to periods of being alone. Use the downtime for self-improvement, spoiling yourself, re-educating yourself, and adjusting your attitude. That is what I do. Continuously! Even with someone!
Apparently, your sisters found good men. That must be proof we're out here! If you're single and have an empty calendar; then all that time is for YOU! Love YOU, make YOU happy, and when the right guy comes along...spread and share some of your love and happiness!
If you worship, pray a little bit. A little spiritual enlightenment never hurts when the world seems to be souring around you. If you believe in anything, that is. It's hard to have any kind of hope; when you don't feel you have a purpose, or a creator.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2018): Before complaining about others, consider what you can do to improve yourself. Are you fit/overweight? Do you take care of yourself? Do you usually smile? Are you cheerful and pleasant to be with? Do you try to make your man feel like he is a king at home?
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