A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a recently divorced white woman who has been dating black men for about a year and a half. Why am I meeting so many black men who freeload off women? Now mind you, not all of them are. But the ones that do.... Not only do they have no shame in asking to be given or to borrow money, but even expect it. One asked me to co-sign for them on a car, another tried to see if I would get a loan for a car in my name and let him drive it.... I am aware that this is not exclusive to black people. In fact, two years ago I left my white ex husband (for other reasons) and he was a jobless bum/eternal student who didn't mind living off of me, and his family ... I am aware that maybe I attract these types, however that is another issue (yes, I know, self-esteem blah blah blah, I'm working on it)..... My issue I would like honest feedback on, is why do so many men (in my case, black men currently), feel it is ok to be lazy and live off of others? And is this more prevalent in black culture or not really?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): I think your screening process is very tolerating, that's why you get all these men who ask you for money.
I don't know anything about black men because I never dated any, but believe me white men can act like you describe. The only difference between me and you is not that I don't meet them, but that I immediately see them and leave them at that. Even if a guy splits everything with me to a penny, I don't tolerate it as for me it's a bad sign.
I had guys ask me to pick them up and drive them, for me it's already a bad sign if it happens several times In a row. What am I a cheafeur? I can do it sometimes, I am ok, if we are taking turns, but when I see that I become free transportation a game is over.
I would advice you to date only men who are equal with you in financial situation. It's always works better. Even regarding just friendship. If situations are unequal, you end up paying for your friends who can't afford what you can't afford, and then there is a tension arises.
Don't date unemployed men if you are employed. Then you will be sure that you are dating someone who gets his regular paycheck, pays his bills and hopefully is not going to mooch of you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): @ code warrior -
The concept of a freeloader was around before the Occupy Wall Street movement. That rant might sound good on a political forum but most people in the real world still think being unemployed is unfortunate and nothing to be proud of.
Perhaps it could be argued that unemployment is no longer quite as embarrassing as it was 10 or 20 years ago. But that is still a long way from saying it is glorified or even respected very much.
For men its still very difficult to date adult women without a job. You might get one night stands if you are very attractive but an unemployed average joe won't have a lot of luck trying to find a life partner.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2013): Lots of guys will try to sleep with you 3 hours after you meet them, too. That is just part of the dating process to weed them out. It's the same with pushy freeloaders. The freeloaders don't show their colors as quickly as a guy after a casual screw but the principle is the same.
As for Code Warrior's comments, I don't know anyone in the USA who actually considers joblessness a "virtue". Its purely embarrassing for anyone no matter how much token acceptance it gets. And for a man wanting to date women over the age of 30, being unemployed is right up there with having the plague.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2013): I really appreciate the advice from the "anonymous black woman". I agree completely, and thank you for responding, I value your perspective. It was my white ex husband, and then two black men. After three experiences I've been cured, I don't think it can be done to me again. Both of the black men who did this to me were 6'5", with good looks. I think perhaps that might have been one of the reasons, as they are probably used to getting their way with women in life due to that. The first one I refused to co-sign on this car, but gave him an $800 loan. He has repaid back $550 of it. That was a year ago. And in addition he has kept asking for more money citing things like "family emergencies." I told him I'm spread thin too, and I could give him a couple groceries or an extra twenty but nothing more. He didn't bite on that. The other dude has tried to get all kinds of things from me, but by the time I met him I had wisened up. I never loaned him the money he wanted, but I did get him many small gifts, mostly food, sometimes household items, during the almost one year that we were seeing each other constantly. Truth be told my white ex husband was a much more expensive lesson than both of these black guys combined, because he was my first experience with these types of men. I am however very aware of this type of man now, and I urge all women who feel they find themselves in this situation to seek out the help and resources they need to break free of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2013): OP here - I'm not going to say that I'm not the common denominator here. And between my ex and last couple of moochers I've met, I've grown strong enough that there will more than likely not be another moocher supported by me ever. I did however want to just find out other people's feedback and experience they have had regarding moochers, and specifically blacks, since that has been my most recent experience. I was just taken aback by how shamelessly a couple of them asked for things, as if they were absolutely entitled. One of them even said to me, "A black man knows that if one white woman won't give him what he wants, there will always be another white woman who will...." And I dont care about "political incorrectness" of my question. Everything I'm saying here is 100% true, and I am here to try to understand why the things that have been happening to me, are happening. Nothing more and nothing less.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 November 2013):
 I think it's more the man you look for or attract then the "skin color" that determine if he is a free-loader or not.
Seems like you married one and dated several, so many YOU need to rethink what kind of man you attract/are attracted to?
The whole "race issue" I'm not going to touch because it's utterly ridiculous and ignorant.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 November 2013):
 It would be easy to get all politically correct and go after your race stereotypes, but I see something even more obvious which would do you much better than the race lecture. Let's pretend I gave you a stern race lecture anyways and get it out of the way.
Okay, it's interesting here - you came on here asking about black people wanting money/financial support, yet you're single because your WHITE ex-husband did the same thing.
Maybe the issue isn't black people - maybe the issue is YOU. You need to look in different places for guys, because you're being attracted to freeloaders. You may be a co-dependent who feel some sort of security picking guys who sponge off of you because it gives you the upper hand in the relationship. Yes, you resent it, and your higher functions knew it's not healthy, but you're the common denominator, not race.
Guys aren't the only one at fault here for that - how many women sponge off of their guys, yet the double standard is that women somehow work for it and deserve it? For guys, they're freeloaders, but for women, they're being pampered by a sugar daddy.
Time to look elsewhere for a mate, because black, white, whatever, you're picking them pretty rough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2013): I am not a Black man, but I am a Black woman. These men do what they do because we tolerate it. I am a very strong successful goal orient Black woman, and I can count on my hand how many of those type of Black men have tried to date me. Oh and in the looks department I'm very very attractive and that's without makeup and being dressed like a runway model. These type men gravitate towards females who are (no offense) passive, submissive, lonely, tolerant, desperate, unhappy, naive. It's a rarity that you see one taking advantage of an confident determine female, not including cheating. ...Most disrespectful men cheat....key word disrespectful not men because not all men cheat. Anyways my advice to you. Be accomplished do more and go forward. These types men for the most part are intimidated. Also Black men watch Black women a lot. Some black women loves riding off the government with no intention of getting off like food stamps section 8 and other programs. Men typically gravitate towards these women. Be more assertive, if you find one that is interested in you let it be known what is a deal breaker and what you're looking for. Also by now if you have met many with those traits then you know the red flags because there are signs. When you notice this guy is not what you want don't stick around feeling sorry for him trying to fix his situation. He was fine before you and let him be a man to take care of himself. I know those type men and it boils my blood. I don't even make friends with them. Bc they have no real reason for being here other than being half assers. If you're independent they like that, got a job they like that too. Especially if u got a car and house with no kids then you're every Black men dream girl as long as you don't get pregnant. If you have a job only talk with men who have a job. Stable jobs. If you have a car only talk with guys who have their own car. If you have a certain level of intellect only date those on your level. Lastly there are a lot of strong successful Black independent men who are protectors providers and leaders out there. You must stop fishing in the pond you are fishing in. And by now it's not them but your attractions to these men don't feel any sorry only chuck up the duces and leave. In most cases these men learn how to use from their moms when they growing up. The mom may have been a recipient of some government program and the mom may have celebrated the funds. Or the kid dad may have been that type of man and now the son have those traits. It's not your deal to track down the origin of this tragedy. I just hope you build what you need in yourself. Best wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2013): There are many people of many races who mooch off other people.
You happen to be dating men. And you happen to be dating black men at the moment. So Ofcourse you would only see this among black men. You are doing yourself a disservice by sharing such a weak theory.
And you are propagating racial profiling and prejudice by sharing it.
The real question is why do you date many men who mooch off you?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 November 2013):
 I don't know many black people, then again I have known tons of freeloaders and wannabe freeloaders of any ethnicity , and I must say that whites were egregiously represented in the category !
So I think that yours is a very wide , and superficial , generalization , and, likely , subconsciously influenced by your cultural perception about race , although not consciously prejudiced.
I'd say that there might be two different set of factors at the root of your observation, one objective and one subjective :
-USA black males have in average a much lower income than whites, less access to good jobs, less workplace mobility due to lack of affordable transportation, etc. etc. To make it short, there ARE more broke black guys than white guys. It's a black " thang " only insofar it is a social " thang ".
- Yes but why don't they feel the same compunction in mooching off a lady, that a white guy would feel ? ooohh, that's just a generous assumption of yours in favour of whites, I could show you some WASPs that would bleed their own mothers dry. BUT, that COULD be a culture thing, ( not a race one ). It's a matter of us against them. I have noticed, time and again, how unluckily people tend to behave better, and to not break the rules, more within their own cultural/ ethnic / social group ,and not only with money. Often, the bad behaviour you would not dream to inflict on someone of "your people ", ... sounds much less objectionable and reproachable when you do it to spmeone who's " other ". Sad and wrong, but to some extent we are all guilty of that : looking for what divides us in diffferent groups, rather than for what unites us and makes us the same : human.
- said that, now there's the main factor, the " you " thing. OP, you are a bit too glib in glissing over your role in the situation : oh and yeah I have low self esteem bah blah, working on it.
OP, seriously ?! Don't you know first time shame on you, second time shame on me ? haven't you learned anything yet from your bad experiences ? The ex was a white bum and you supported him for years, then it comes a string of other moochers . The color does not really matter, the point is , you surround yourself with moocchers. That means IMO that you can't see the red flags or you are willing to ignore them stubbornly,as long as you can have someone beside you.
Ok, some times it's difficult to defend ourselves from astute people who's out to get us, but, what about refusing to date pennyless destitute jobless bums of any colour ? That's easy.
Wanting a self supporting mate ( not a rich guy ) is not being a materialistic bitch, it's wanting to start from an even keel where there's more chance for a balanced relationship , where nobody depends from the other for money or hopefully anything .
Do they show up for a date and , guess what , they have forgotten their wallet at home and can you please... ? Do they start with sob stories about uncanny series of personal and financial misfortunes, right off the bat, sharing with you more than you should know on a first or second date ? Do they ALWAYS let you call first, pick them up in your car, buy them drinks, cook them food - rather than making a point of reciprocating as early as possible ?...
My point is, that very seldom a generous, disinterested, decent guy acts like a gentleman ,only to turn OVERNIGHT into a shameless user. You can see certain things coming from afar- if you pay attention. And you can screen them out if you decide to be adequately selective.
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