A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So there's a long story to this one. I like this girl that I volunteer with. She's three years younger than me and she's an EMT, I'm a firefighter and EMT driver. We both ride the same nights and have been friends for three or four years now. We dated back when we first met but it didn't work on her part because she was in an on and off relationship with a boy that would put her down and physically hurt her. I found that part out a year later and with the help of two of her best friends, we convinced her she could do better. After that, we only spoke, I didn't see her for about a year though we live like a minute away from each other. She would randomly text me and we'd talk on the phone. Never did I mention I was a volunteer firefighter and emt driver for our town. Then one day, I saw her with my crew chief and the chief down at the building going over the rigs. She just joined and all as an EMT. We ended up talking and I felt a connection. I admit, I was quite blunt. I asked her out but she said no because she just had gotten out of a bad relationship and needed to "sort things out". So fast forward to now; we've been riding the same night ever since until recently and we did sort of get together but not really. It wasn't a friends with benefits type deal as people think but I didn't have the time I wanted to spend with her, to commit to a relationship. My mom just remarried, my job makes me work weird hours so I'm almost always tired and I needed to focus on getting into a better position financially in life since after my dad died, I've been paying my moms mortgage and rent to her. So I felt like I'd be a bum as a boyfriend and I know she deserves better than that since she's had only bad boyfriends. So we ended up kissing one night and I felt a spark and she later admitted she did too. She tried hiding it but I finally got her to admit it. I only had time to hang out when we were on call (our town doesn't get a lot of calls at all) so we'd hang out at my place, cuddle and watch movies. Then one week we'd ended up just making out and cuddling until she had to leave. From that point on, it became that sort of thing unless me or her didn't want to so anything. Then we'd just watch a movie or tv or take a nap. It's not like all we did was make out. Sometimes we would go to the diner when I did have time to hang and we'd get food. So now don't say that I used her. I did not at all. People think I did but I didn't. She no longer rides my night. I admit, I did mess up. I told her whatever happened between us would stay between us. I let it slip to another EMT that does like her a lot that we had hooked up. He then told her like a month after that that I had told him. Two weeks after that she stopped talking to me and left our night completely, siting school and being unable to study as the issue. Our squad leader called bullshit and being how he is, found out the truth. He told me I had to make things right, I told him I did try to but she said that whatever I do or say won't let her forgive me. So he said he would talk to her. He does and she thought he was mad at her so he did take her side on this but told her he wants to fix this because he lost half his crew over this. So our chief got involved. The chief wants us to mediate and around the time she was texting her that, I found out someone had keyed my car. I thought it was her so I told my chief and then made a police report but never pointed her out as being who I suspected. So the chief tells her this and she flipped out. Then I find out today that she has intentions to resign because she feels people are against her, that I ruined how people view her down there and other reasons I didn't hear about. The chief has reached out to her but I know her way too well. She shuts down and goes away when things go bad. She's deleted every social media account she had and refuses to answer calls or texts. However today was a new discovery. She told our chief that she never was mad at me because its happened before and she's learned to just stop caring about rumors that make her out to be a whore (she's not, she's never had sex) but she's upset with me. The text I was forwarded was that "I can't do talking to him about this. It won't affect working alongside him because i knew what I knew for a few weeks. I really am doing bad in school. A lot more is going on than I want to talk about but Im not mad at him. I'm upset that he lied to me and told even one person when he said he would and I'm upset that he's known me for a few years and thinks I would retaliate, I've been treated worse and I don't do anything back. Time heals all wounds and I don't like confrontation at all." So I have no idea what to do. I thought she was mad at me. But what's the difference with her being upset? I do like her but I don't know if I still like her like that or if I do, if I messed my chances up with her. I've been talking to one of her best friends that is trying to help me fix this and I did tell her I want to talk and I don't think leaving something she likes doing will help her out. Her best friend has told me that if she's still upset over it, she likes or liked me a lot. Then he told me that she just gave up on a lot of people and only talks to him, our crew chief the abusive ex (of course she's runnin back to him) and this girl named Jamie (who doesn't think I'm a good person because of this. That she was right about me). So I have no idea what to do. And I need advice.Thank you and sorry if this is long. I can't shorten it too much more.
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best friend, friend with benefits, kissing, spark, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): How about you actually say sorry rather than race online to tell yet more people? You're 23, grow up and if you're really "sorry" and you do actually care about me like you made me believe, then say sorry to my face and we'll go from there. Otherwise you'll see me around. We don't need to be friends and I'm really good at working with and being by people that do wrong to me. And FYI, I never was mad at you. I was upset you lied about privacy and then went to L and told him. I don't care if you used me because frankly, we only kissed. But thank you for teaching me that even people I've been friends for years I can't trust.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (30 November 2013):
 Whether she's mad or upset makes no difference. It's over between the two of you. You had your chance and you know that you blew it. You have to let this go. Leave her get on with her life and you get on with yours. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 November 2013):
 I'm with BimBim.
Same advice as before... Nothing has changed.
LEAVE her alone. She VOLUNTEER because it means something to her, but YOU are making her wanting to quit.
Don't CRAP where you EAT - which means.. don't DATE co-workers and do NOT harass them either.
You are not a therapist or psychoanalyst so stop trying to figure her out, just leave her be.
Stop obsessing over the girl.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 November 2013):
 My advise is the same as I gave you previously, leave her alone. Stop discussing her with other people, stop trying to work out what she is thinking, just leave her alone.
You are coming across as stalkerish creepy.
Who she choses to talk to, or not talk to (that's you by the way) is none of your business, just butt out and leave her alone.
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