A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello I would be so grateful for advice or experience from anyone. I am 35 and I am at a crisis point of change in my life – trying very hard to make some big and difficult decisions and I have so little support. A brief background is that, with much encouragement from my mother in particular, I did not pursue university and instead got a job and got married at age 21. I thought this was what was right for me too but after 13 years of marriage the struggle to keep it going, put up with emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse and hold a career down that I have grown to hate, has all become too much for me. I moved out of the marital home for a year to try and get some perspective and space but was emotionally drained by the reaction of my mother who seemed to have a breakdown all of her own over the breakdown of my marriage and was, at times aggressive and very unsupportive of my needs and feelings. It affected her worse than me and I have always before and since felt like I am letting everyone down the minute I mention that things aren’t good in my life whatever they are – this is what has made me keep up appearances for so long. It has made me isolated and I keep things bottled up – I literally live in fear of the truth and I cannot believe that I appear to be a confident woman on the outside but inside I’m so hurt. During the year of separation I made a decision about my career and have decided to do a degree in a subject which will act as a springboard to change. I also met an inspirational man who I know I loved and made me feel alive again but he was due to emigrate and so I kept the relationship at a distance (despite a lot of feelings for him). I felt unable to tell my family the good news about this guy because of their reaction – which is crazy for a 30 something but that is the fact of it! Now I am living again with my husband but we just co-habit and the relationship is not working at all as we have terrible arguments and the resentment spills out from both of us. One of the reasons I went back to him was because I was being ‘bullied’ almost by family who made me feel really low about myself during the separation and I started to feel I should try. Now I feel even worse because I’ve let myself down and gone backwards. I have started the degree course but dislike the venue and learning environment and I have been researching on the internet alternatives which involve living abroad. The man I met lives in one of the places I could study and I have emailed him to help me research it properly – he would love me to live there. The other location is also exciting for different reasons. What has thrown me is that, despite recent counselling to help me focus on myself, I have just come off the phone from my mother who has made me feel bad about not liking aspects of the course I’m attending and has started to make sarcastic comments about me living abroad e.g. how I would support myself - and I feel undermined once again. I have tried to put space between me and my Mum to get my head around things but she is even having a go about that – I just feel guilty all the time. I have little support from friends as I have moved away from them and my sister and I are not at all close. One of the course options abroad starts in January and if I go for it I want to do it very soon. I feel so lonely and isolated. Why do I not feel good enough? Why can’t I just decide? Why am I letting what other people say, and the way they say it affect me so much? Please help.
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a break, moved out, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2007): 1) Get out of the house you share with your ex - you don't want to be in that environment over the Christmas period and you know that things aren't working out.
2) Book the course abroad and go to the place the man you met lives and study there. Don't live with him though - you need to be self reliant and certainly not in a serious relationship with him just yet (to be honest, you should live there with the intention of being friends and see where it goes from there, but don't live with him!)
3) Don't tell your parents or the rest of your family that he is one of the reasons for your move abroad. They don't need to know - you might meet him again and go off him in three months, so the less they know about it the better at this stage. If things work out, you can always say you met him whilst studying - a few little white lies never hurt anyone.
4) You mum is probably just concerned about how you would support yourself and where would you live etc. She is probably trying to help - you see her comments as sarcasm but she is a mother and it's her job to be questioning of your decisions - they can't help it. Try not to take her comments to heart (I love my mum to bits but if I'd listened to half her advice I'd be married to the original Mr Angry and never have begun my degree course!). Your'e your own person and must make your own decision - have a sense of humour where yoru mother is concerned instead of taking it to heart.
Best of luck - wish I could see what your future holds - sounds very exiting! X
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (14 October 2007):
 It affects you because you care. It's a great quality, you should be proud, but you have to draw a personal boundary so you don't over care about others and not take action with your own life.
About the man. I have to say this all though you don't want to hear it. If he can make you feel alive again, if you believe he will cause this positive reaction in you, then you need to stay away from him during your changing period. Saying he makes you feel alive shows you are dependent on him to make you feel good, instead of depending on your own actions to improve.
You need to live for yourself. Weather you're with your husband, your mother, this other guy, whoever it may be, the one person you can never avoid is you.
Some people don't support people who are changing. They don't because their fearful their relationship with you will change also. As you become stronger, some of your friends may be left behind, but the ones who support and admire who you become will follow right behind you.
Every day be proud of who you are and who you are becoming. It shows such huge strength to realize something isn't working and making a change to a more positive direction. I was kind of like you. I made changes, didn't go to higher education because my son came along, then I ended up getting married as well. I am now 36 and in 5 weeks I graduate from college. During my time of change I also began a business from home, became a leader in that company. Others thought I was crazy for my decision, including my parents. They supported me only after I was earning a substantial income doing it. The point being sometimes your supporters won't begin supporting your decisions until they see the outcome of your efforts.
Take care, and many great successes to you.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (14 October 2007):
 Hi . To answer to your final question - there might not be a simple cause - sounds much more like a build-up of many small factors which have led to a slight (and it does seem slight)....... a slight loss of confidence/self belief. Sounds like you have an idea of what you want but are not 100% certain and have shared your thoughts with others prematurely - resulting in them trying to decide for you - especially if you have shown signs of hesitantcy/procrastination/or similar.
Would it be better to decide what you really want - and then tell people after your decision is made and plans are in hand?
Good luck
What are you doing your degree in as a matter of interest ?
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