A
female
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anonymous
writes:I dont get myself. I always go out with and are attracted to guys who end up treating me badly or who are sooo different to me that we just dont work together. But when a guy come along who is very similar I just dont like him more then a friend. Its weird. For example I have a friend from work who likes me more then a friend and we are so similar, both non drinkers and have similar lifestyles and values yet I just dont like him in that way. Why is this???? I wish I did like him cause i think we would go so well together, but i just dont feel anything for him. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 March 2008):
 LonelyTwo has given you a really good answer, and I agree.
Most commonly when a girl falls for guys that treat her badly it's because she has low self esteem. Whilst on the surface she feels that these guys are attractive, and the nice guys are not, what's really going on is her fears are dictating these emotions.
With the nice guys, her subconscious is saying "you're not good enough for him, he won't love me once he gets to know me, he deserves better than me". Result: you don't feel attraction because those fears get in the way.
With the nasty guys, the feeling is "this is all I deserve. I'll be able to stay with this guy, because that's all I'm worth and all he's worth". And so your natural attraction comes through.
I don't know if this is what is happening with you, but it could be. It's very common. If you think it is, the best thing you can do is talk to a therapist to find out if you have low self esteem. If you do, then the therapist will be able to help you with that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): I think it has to do with not liking yourself. I've seen this in myself. Certain personality traits I have, how I respond to things sometimes, and when I see these in others, I get the same reaction. It is strange, but a red flag to yourself to work on it, and dig deeper into yourself to understand why.
Sometimes, we learn from our parents. We object to how we may have been treated, but because they were such a huge part in our life, we unknowingly take on these personality traits as our own. Some are natural human traits, but some are traits specific to a person.
I think you have a date with "soul searching". Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 March 2008):
 It is well known that young women don't fall for "nice guys". The right source for this is... nice guys, because they are the ones who get dumped or rejected all the time.
In an illuminating post by a bloodily awesome aunt in this site, I learned that women go for the "nice and boring" only later in life (if ever, may I add), when they have to deal with a career, children and housekeeping, and they find that "nice and boring" also means "helpful at least once in a while".
I also think that someone who is just like you becomes boring over time, and not necessarily because he is a "nice guy". I guess it's not just as exciting to always know what to expect from someone. Or a routine.
As to the values thing, however, you're making a mistake. You can't really make it with someone who will not be in agreement with you in the important issues.
Finally, if the magic is not there, it's just not there.
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