A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I got too drunk on Saturday night - it happens only occasionally. I said something embarassing about my husband to his friend (who was also too drunk to remember). My husband brought it up - but told me it is ok - his friend probably didn't hear and then he gently suggested I give up alcohol. I told him I was an alcoholic and he said "no, no it just doesn't suit you". I agreed to give up anyway, it doesnt suit me and I shouldn't be drinking as I can't handle it. That was yesterday and the day before.This morning my husband was in a bad mood. When I pressed him on it - he went crazy at me. He is so angry about what I said in front of his friend on Saturday. He is now shouting at me and calling me an alcoholic and saying he wont stay married to someone like that.I only brought him coffee in bed early this morning and he kissed and hugged me and suddenly this. Is it fair for him to act like it's ok and then two days later go absolutely crazy??? I'm so confused at his change in attitude. Ive told him how sorry I am but he wont listen. He also calls me horrible names when we fight.We have had troubles but they seem to be really bad right now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2017): I want to draw your attention to what you said while drunk. If it was mocking or critical of his physicality in any way i.e. his body (too fat/thin), his hair or lack thereof, his abilities in bed, his penis, etc. this cuts to the core, making him feel inadequate in the worst possible way. I mean, how would you like it if your drunk husband started telling YOUR best girlfriend how he would prefer your body if it wasn't so fat/ saggy/ [insert other 'flaws']? You probably would never actually get over that. Ever. Same goes for a comment on his intellect (although this can ironically be slightly less hurtful than the physicality comments, because people can't really change their body, so it often feels like the deepest form of criticism and rejection). There is a double hurt here, because there is the rejection of you debasing/ criticizing him, AND there is the betrayal of you telling this to HIS best GUY friend. How extremely embarrassing for him that his wife is confiding this to his buddy. It can't get much worse probably. SO it depends a bit on what your comment was. BUT I think you have to start from where his feelings are coming from on this. You have to build up his self-esteem again in whatever area you tore it down. This will take a long time, a lot of reassurance and compliments. This will take day upon day of showing him love through his bad moods. This may even take counselling. It is never ok to criticize a spouse to others in front of them. I think you truly didn't mean it and it was a thoughtless remark, but for him it cut him to the core and made him feel inadequate. I hope that he can recover without seeking a flirtation elsewhere to repair his ego.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 August 2017):
 The short answer is yes, it is fair.
It's very common for people to need some time to process something important or serious. He needed to sort his thoughts on his own before he could communicate them to you.
Telling you everything was ok was understandable as a means of buying that time, and it may even have been honest at the time when the reality of what had happened finally set in.
I think your focus needs to be on YOUR behaviour. What you said obviously bothered him and these questions about why he's telling you now instead of then is just a distraction from the real issue.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (30 August 2017):
 he has had time to think and some mate of his told him than people speak the truth when drunk,
you would not have the courage to tell someone what you think of them without the drink,
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (29 August 2017):
Show him you love him by completely quitting booze. Not another drop. It'll make you a better person and give you a better relationship. He certainly doesn't want you to take another drop of it. Show him you care and want to be a better person.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 August 2017):
 As I see it, you have two separate issues here: your drinking and your husband's verbal abuse.
On the one hand you say you drink to excess "only occasionally" yet you refer to yourself as an alcoholic. I suspect what you said to your husband's friend is nowhere near as significant as the fact you were out of control on alcohol - AGAIN.
Perhaps you could do a trade-off with your husband: you will get help to overcome your alcohol addiction (don't underestimate how difficult this will be) while he gets help to overcome his anger issues.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (29 August 2017):
 Are you serious about giving up alcohol or is it just something you are saying until this blows over? I have a lot of experience in your area. He had a delayed reaction, meaning the more he thought about the more angrier he got. I would imagine your drinking has a much bigger impact on him than you realize, is it possible in the past when he tries to talk to you about it you get defensive? So maybe then he says you don't have a problem for his own benefit as much as yours? How often is occasionally?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): I meant to say:
"Sometimes you give people benefit of the doubt; and they dismiss what they've done, or downplay the significance of the impact their behavior had on a situation."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): It's called a delayed-reaction. His first response was suppressed and restrained. He was thinking one thing; but his actions contradicted what was actually going through his mind. He tried the nice reaction first.
Like too many of us; we overthink, ponder, and stew on things until we explode with emotion. He tried to contain himself; but your curt attitude and attempt to minimize the incident just set him off. Sometimes you give people benefit of the doubt; and they dismiss what they've done, or downplay the significance of the impact their behavior had a situation.
Now you see how strongly he feels about your drinking and how you embarrassed him. Now you know what impact alcohol-abuse can have on your marriage. What your spouse feels about it is no laughing-matter; and your marriage is in trouble.
Drug-abusers and alcoholics are always in denial. They always claim their use is not that much, only occasional, or they are in full-control. Well, if your mate says otherwise; listen and take them seriously. The frustration sounds like anger that was built-up over time. Not for a singular incident; but others you've conveniently forgotten and put behind you.
This isn't just about alcohol, this is a culmination of problems in your marriage. Better get some alcohol and marriage-counseling together; if you value your marriage.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (29 August 2017):
I honestly think he is overreacting.
People make mistakes all the time, and his friend was also drunk, so who cares?
It could be possible that he felt ashamed by you comments, and you could have embarrassed him in front of your friend.
I personally think it's funny what you said, but, that's my opinion.
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