A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 28 year old female that has had mostly bad relationships up until this point. All the guys I've dated seem to have had major anger issues and/or were players and I assume this is in part due to male horomones. I enjoy having a partner and have no issues really getting attached but over the years I've found it increasingly difficult to deal with the nature of male sexuality. No offense, but they seem like pigs! The few I have had relationships with that weren't pigs seemed to all have one thing in common, a sexual dysfunction of some sort. Whether it be premature ejaculation or ED etc. It sounds crazy but I feel like I'd rather be with someone who can't meet my sexual needs vs being with someone who's far more oversexed then I am. I can adjust if I'm in love and I feel my other needs are more important to me. Not really something I'd expect them to discuss on a first date however so it's hard to pursue this type specifically. How do I go about identifying such guys? Is this an unusual thing to want in someone?
View related questions:
ejaculation, player, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): I think you make a good point and have a very interesting post topic. It does seem true that sex overrides any other form of interaction in a relationship; even if you are only casually dating. Getting to the sexual aspect of the connection cancels out everything else.
You are dating men in their 20's! That's when we're at the peak of our sex-drive. When our testosterone levels are at their highest, and when we are most physically fit.
Being over-sexed is not typical of all males. Most of us can control ourselves; but there is a time in our coming of age that we sow our wild oats. That is more of a cultural issue. Men have to prove something to ourselves. Sex is everywhere and much of the media and the advertising industry focuses on the male-ego and our sexuality. Society requires us to prove our manhood; and other males compete to make us prove our prowess and virility. Even women feel men are wimps and wusses if we don't make a play or hit on them. I just answered a post from an OP who complains she is never hit on. Maybe you should move to her town.
Poor you, you've got to deal with the millineal-generation of males. Social-media soaked and porn-fed! High-technology has made them socially-inept and unable to connect on an emotional-level. It's "lets drop all the formalities and get to the point. Lets have sex!" They have apps that cater to nothing but making hookups. Women go for them too! Don't dump this all on men! Those apps have more female subscribers than males in some cases!
You just have to keep going through the laborious selection process of finding a match. Keep rejecting the guys that have poor qualities. The purpose of courtship, selection, and dating; is to meet and interact with a number of personality-types. To try them on for size. You don't buy the first pair of pumps you try on, do you? You don't buy the pair that doesn't fit...well, most won't buy them unless they fit. Some cram an 8 into a size-6. I'm off-topic, sorry!
Encountering the types you have thus far; also introduces you to ways of dealing with male nutcases and our worse personality-traits/behavior. That's a handy tool for survival; because men end-up being your boss, an employee; or even your husband. Ultimately, the father of your children. You've made some interesting observations, and they make sense. The sad part is, you've drawn some very erroneous conclusions. You've also made some unfair generalizations.
Don't give-up or settle for less than what you want and deserve. You can't judge all mankind by a few bad dates and crapped-out relationships. You're only 26, and you haven't dated but a small group who don't represent the vast majority of males. We do have common-traits; because we're males, but the stereotypes are societal "add-ons." They're not always the true nature of the beast. We're tagged with them. Some try living up to the stereotypes. There's no account for stupid. We have to own it.
You only know the few you've dated thus far. Keep trying. Being a strong female who knows what she wants and won't just give-up; will make the search a little harder, and it will take a little longer. You're learning as you go. Don't become cynical and negative. Then you'll develop prejudices based on unfounded stereotypes. Women aren't perfect; you also have your own human faults.
Simply put; you've got to kiss a few frogs. Men go through our own relationship and dating problems. That's not exclusive to women.
You can only continue dating, enjoy male-company, and make the best of it. Eventually you will come to the right match with the right fit. Having the patience is the trick. You don't just stumble across treasure; it's not just lying around for the taking. You have to hunt for it. You'll pickup sparkly glass, and discover it's not a diamond; but you know diamonds exist, you don't stop believing in them.
Stay strong, and persistent. Stand-by your standards, and don't settle for anything less than what you want. He's out there, and you haven't met him yet. You'll appreciate him all the more once you've found him; knowing that getting to him wasn't easy. But the silver-lining is all that you've learned before you found him. You'll know the difference immediately!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2017): You are making a broad and incorrect assumption about men. I encourage you to talk with a counselor to see if there are things in your past or present that can explain why you are attracted to jerks / bad guys. Good guys with raging sex drive are out there.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (30 August 2017):
My answer to your question would be to challenge your assumption that this is a compromise that you need to make. It isn’t. Your sexual needs are as important as your other needs when it comes to a relationship. I’ve been kicking around on this site long enough now to know that sexual incompatibility can spell doom even for relationships that are otherwise happy.
It’s a shame that you’ve had bad experiences but don’t assume that there is a correlation between how high a person’s sex drive is and how selfish a lover he is. You can have mind-blowing sex every day with some-one who wants to actually make love to you and enjoy that experience because of how much he cares for you. Or you can have a man with a low sex drive who could be so preoccupied by his sexual dysfunction that he’s emotionally unavailable to meet your needs and focus on the relationship as a whole. And even if he’s comfortable with his sex drive, he just might be unpleasant anyway.
So, look rather at what their attitude to sex is, not how high their sex drive is. Are they prepared to wait until you’re ready? When you have sex, are they focussed just on themselves or on pleasing you? Do they seem interested in you or just in sex? Are they willing to put the time in to get to know you before they expect you to jump in to bed? These are the things you should be thinking about.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
|
