A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've had a problem concerning two guys for the past two and a half years. One of them is controlling, hates my friends, and puts me down a heck of a lot. We used to be great but things have just gone downhill since I started having a (in my opinion, small) drinking problem around Christmas 2011. This is my boyfriend. The other is a very sweet man at heart, but masks it by teasing me constantly which I reciprocate, as he seems to like me teasing him just as much. We have a lot in common, and I could see myself being with him in the future. Here's the clincher: he's my college tutor. Yikes, right? He also has a girlfriend. Double yikes.And don't worry, we are both mature. I'm 21 and he is 26. The thing is, I don't know where to go with it. I have wanted to make a move for over two years now, but I'm just afraid of being rejected. A few of my fellow students have picked up on how good we are together, and he treats me different to every other student. I'm just having a hard time distinguishing between whether his feelings for me are platonic or possibly romantic - it is definitely one of the two, but I just can't read him. I will be leaving college this year to go to university, and I'm hoping to make some progress on this before I leave. I just don't know how to go about it.On the other hand, if I were to leave my current partner to pursue this man, I would be devastated if he were to reject me. I would ultimately end up with nobody, which is not what I want at all. I have had feelings for him for almost the exact same amount of time as I have been with my boyfriend, who I fell out of love with quite some time ago. It's getting to the point where I'm driving myself insane about the what-if's and, once I leave, could-have-been's. I desperately need some advice from an outsider on this.
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christmas, has a girlfriend, puts me down, teasing, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your wonderful answers. I have decided to leave my boyfriend after much consideration and I realize now that being alone is not the worst thing in the world. He called me a cunt for updating his mother of how he is doing, because he does not get on with her, and I saw this as the last straw. As for the tutor situation, I will not be pursuing him either as I now know how silly it is, and I know he would never leave his girlfriend for me anyway.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 January 2013):
 Do not leave your partner to pursue a taken man.
YOU leave your partner because he's no longer a good partner.
FIX your (small) drinking problem NOW. I live with and I am married to an active alcoholic. WISE people will avoid a person with an addiction like drugs or alcohol.
My advice.... leave your boyfriend, focus on your health and getting clean... and LEAVE taken men alone.
BTW, I'm an outrageous flirt with folks... men too... if they were in an unhappy situation I'm sure they could write a post saying "this married lady at work flirts with me all the time should I leave my wife for her, she's married but the way she flirts with me I'm betting she would leave her husband as he has a drinking problem"
the problem with someone else interpreting MY behavior is that they are WRONG.... I flirt... I'm outrageous and over the top sometimes....but i would never CHEAT on my husband, I would never LIE to my husband and I"m not LEAVING my husband. I love him. Very much. Warts and all.
You are not happy with your current boyfriend. You just need to know that there are other partners out there for you but your TUTOR is not one of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2013): Your tutor isn't such a sweet guy if he has a girlfriend but flirts with other girls. Think about that before aspiring to any deeper relationship with him. For all you know he could already be flirting with other girls in his other classes which you don't see.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 January 2013):
Personally, I would dump the terrible BF and just stay single for a while. Your BF has obviously done quite some damage to your self esteem and the fact you put up with it makes me think it would be a good idea to just stay away from relationships for a while and focus on healing up and getting stronger. Also take on that drinking problem. Saying it's small does mean it's a problem and alcohol does a lot of damage later on. It'll serve you well to deal with this right now and not later.
Jumping from man to man is not the solution. You need to learn to take on the world on your own again and not rely on someone else. Think about it: before you started dating anyone, you were perfectly able to live life on your own.
Right now you're at the point where you allow someone to treat you badly because you're afraid of being alone. You use drinking as a coping mechanism. You need to get past all that if you ever want a healthy, loving relationship in the future.
Also, even though your tutor is young, it would still be wrong to pursue a relationship with a student. It puts his job at risk and it kills his reputation, because then it'll be known he can't separate his work from his private life. He'll be known as the kind of teacher you can't trust around your students. You may pursue him once you leave college, but no sooner than that. Also, if you plan on relocating, starting a relationship with someone who is stuck to the place you're planning on moving away from is not a good idea.
Right now, focus on getting rid of the alcohol, becoming more independent, assertive and more confident. Don't be afraid to ask for help with that either. It's not a shame and if it gets you ahead, you've got nothing to lose. Plus, like I said, being confident, assertive and independent are qualities that will help you in future relationships. A lot of guys are a-holes to their gf's because those girls let them get away with it. Being a doormat basically inspires bad behavior. It shouldn't be that way, but it often is.
Also, imagine all the fun things you can do when you're single. You get to be your own boss again. You don't have to think about anyone else; you can just do whatever the heck you want. Hang out with friends without someone badmouthing them, starting new hobbies, etc. You can also study better without the drama of relationships. It's not that bad, trust me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): No, bad idea, this other guy has already got a girlfriend so he's taken. Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk so it's not a good idea to stay with him either. You should just be single for awhile, in the absence of any viable relationship partner. It won't be forever, you can do it. It isn't good to jump straight from one relationship to another anyway and it doesn't look good for your reputation too. People will suspect you of being at best flaky and at worst unable to stay loyal to your relationships.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 January 2013):
 Hi
I would say neither, your leaving to go to university anyway, a whole new life. Whats so wrong with being single ?
Your clearly not happy with your boyfriend,your drinking to the extent he is unhappy with you.He probably sees this as partly due to your friends, the company you keep.
Yes you like the tutor but he has a girlfriend and hasn't made any kind of move on you.He probably enjoys the flirting to brighten his day and as you reciprocate it flatters him.
Don't end it with your boyfriend for the tutor, end it because it has run it's course and your not happy and nor is your boyfriend.
Get your head straight,take a look at your drinking and ask yourself honestly if it has got out of hand or changed you. You want to go to uni and you need to be ready and to look on it as the future that will open doors.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): Neither of these men are for you. Leave your bf because he is abusive. But the tutor has a girlfriend and ypu have a boyfriend so its immoral to even try to pursue him. Therefore its irrelevant how this tutor feels. He shouldn't even be on the table as an option. You should leave your bf now so that if and when the right guy who is also single and unattached comes into your life you are free and ready to pursue him without any moral quandries and constraints.Your fear of being alone and needing to be in a relationship at all times is going to create a lot of problems in your life, as it is right now, and make it more difficult to find the right partner. so you should address that. By needing to be in a relationship all the time you will end up staying in bad relationships like right now, and when someone better comes along you wont be able to pursue anything with that new person without being immoral for already being I'm a relationship. You will lose your integrity by ending up a cheater. All because you're unable to be single and on your own while searching for someone newTherefore get all thoughts of this tutor out of your mind. He has a girlfriend so he isn't fair game. Then decide if you want to stay with your controlling bf or you want to look for someone better. If so then break up with your bf first before you go looking for anyone new.
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