A
male
age
41-50,
*ndynyc2007
writes:I've been dating a woman for about 3 months who loves sex, and ours is great. But I just found out that she lost her virginity in a threesome with two guys who she then had multiple threesomes with after that. She was 23 at the time and is just over 30 now, but I am having a lot of trouble accepting this. The images of her having sex with one guy while pleasing another, and of the guys high fiving each other like she said they did, and of whatever else one may have seen in a porn video or can imagine, are images that I don't like and cannot not let go. She was proud of it when she first told me and even asked if I was impressed, because we were talking about our past and comparing notes, so to speak. When I reacted negatively to it, she pulled back and won't talk about it anymore. Part of me wants to know more details so I don't have to wonder and then thus could possibly move on although I don't know if that would really happen. She's not a slut, based on everything else I know about her (so far), and she's very stable and down to earth. A lot of us have done crazy things and gone wild in our youth. But who loses their virginity to two guys? Is it low of he to judge her? What should I do? How can I get past it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): i don't think you can judge her. if you want to ask her something, maybe you should ask her why she did it in the first place. honestly, she could be a great person or it could be you just don't know her yet. you need to try to find out her intentions.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 Damn. I've been where you are, near enough, I know how tough those images can be to deal with. I'll be honest: it can be a very long very hard road to get past this. You need to ask yourself if you really like her enough to be willing to put in the effort. Personally it took me about a year and a half to get where I can handle the images (they don't ever go, they just become less painful), and still every now and again they reduce me to emotional rubble. I've spoken to many men about this, most take longer than that, if they can get over it at all. And it's torture.
I honestly doubt she's really proud of it. If she was she wouldn't have reacted the way she did. That pride is likely more of a defence mechanism, by showing pride she doesn't have to dig deeper into what she was doing. The type of behaviour she exhibited is usually indicative of low self-esteem, and pride is a common defence for people to cover low self-esteem. She likely feels any criticism of her past sexual behaviour very painfully, and so naturally acts to shield herself from this pain as much as she can. Sometimes a good offence can be the best defence.
There is biology at work here too. As men we are biologically programmed to be sexually possessive of our partners. This is because as men we were never 100% certain of the paternity of our children (unlike women, who are always certain). This means that if our partner is unfaithful we could end up bringing up another man's child. This happens frequently (estimates are somewhere between 10 and 20% of all children). As a result, we are programmed to be very uncomfortable with the thought of our partner having sex with other men. Since past behaviour is on some level a guide to future behaviour, promiscuity sets off warning bells with us. Loud ones. The logic is simple: past promiscuity is a possible indicator of future promiscuity, and that's a risk for my paternal investment in future children, since they might end up not being mine. As a result we have evolved to have these feelings as a defence mechanism.
But remember that these feelings evolved over hundreds of thousands of years, before contraception. Contraception has changed the rules of the game, but our emotions have not caught up. Consequently, you are reacting to the idea of your girlfriend having threesomes and casual sex as if she did not use contraception. This naturally is VERY disconcerting: a threesome is basically saying "I'm willing to have sex whilst letting the potential fathers off the hook in terms of paternal responsibility"... they can always point at the other man. That's why your subconscious is sending you these warning signs. Not surprising at all.
You have to understand several things:
- Modern sexual rules are different. Your emotions are prehistoric, and are not necessarily 'fair' in this modern context of contraception and more casual relationships. Your feelings here may not be acting in 'your' best interests. If she's going to stay faithful to you and be a good girlfriend then these feelings are actually damaging something that could be very good for you: namely her.
- You have natural competitive instincts towards other men. You'll feel insufficient compared to these 'stud' men who had your girlfriend in threesomes. Understand that she doesn't see it or feel it that way, that feeling is yours and yours alone. Since she is in a serious relationship with you, she no doubt has much stronger feelings for you (including respect) than she did for any of them.
- The main feeling you'll likely experience is jealousy. I suggest you do some research into jealousy: what causes it, and how to cope with it. Jealousy is an incredibly powerful emotion and until someone experiences it first hand, it's hard to understand how all-consuming it can be. Most people confuse it with envy, which is something else entirely and is much more benign.
- You ask how to get past it. This is the hardest part of all. A whole book could be written about it (in fact I've been considering writing it!). But, in short, you have to teach yourself not to think about it. Since thinking about it and summoning the images into your mind causes you pain, the only way through this is to not summon those images. And when they do come, you have to learn to step past them and not dwell on them. It's hard to do. The closest comparison I can give is something like meditation or tai-chi. Which, incidentally, I highly recommend for helping you with this. I personally took up tai-chi and it has helped me considerably with this.
- One last thing. Please don't use this as an excuse to make her feel bad. You'll want to do this, but it's very damaging in the long run and will destroy her sense of self-worth, and damage her perception of you. I do suggest that you share your feelings with her, since they'll be very strong and she'll want to know what is going on. But when doing so, always take the time to let her know that this is YOUR issue, and that you are not judging her or blaming her (even if that's not true). I've ended up accusing my girlfriend of being a slut and it's taken months to undo that damage (and undoing all of it is impossible).
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): hiya hun
If you had lost your virginity to two females would you have maybe told just one of your mates? you asked about each others past and got the truth, you want to deep down no more why if what you have already heard is driving you insane... Im sorry but this is the past and we do live in a world where men are cheered and ribbed and good for you mate if they have a few women a week and two a night would be the talking point of the pub for a month. If its a woman she is a slut i never did get it and still dont...you have said you have a good relationship and the sex is great you just have to accept her for who she is and really not judge her. The passed is just that as you said alot of us have done crazy things in life its all part of learning and growing love she isnt the only person in the world to have done this, enjoy eachother you seemed to be happy before this came up TAKE CARE XXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (22 June 2007):
Well, I wouldn't call 23,youth, nor would I see bragging about losing one's virginity in a threesome very good grounds to continue in the relationship either. There will be those who will say, that your lives began when you first met. Bull! Our lives are shaped by our past sexuality, be it good or bad. You both may just have sex going for you, but little else, as I see it. You will never have the trust that is the glue in any and all relationships. And if don't have that trust in her now, I don't see that you ever will. Me,I would take a hike.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2007): OMG you sound like an ex-BF I had ugh! Are you an Aquarius too by any chance? LOL
Get over it. You said she told you this in the beginning of your relationship right? Most likely she 1- probably lied to “impress” you, but she wasn’t counting on you not being into it, so that’s why now she doesn’t want to talk about it. Or 2 maybe she did and you just have to get over it! Stop being a baby ‘cause at your age you are NOT going to find a virgin. And an FYI women in their 30s have slept w/3-20 guys and of course will tell you they slept with 3 ex-bf they had and were in long relationships.
You shouldn’t judge her for her 3-some, heck if anything be lucky to be with her! And if you can’t see past HER past, then there’s no future for you guys. G’Luck
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (22 June 2007):
 You say she's not a slut from what you know about her but unfortunately, you've only known her 3 months so there is very little about you that you actually do know. I've been with my b/f for 2 years and I'm still learning, and discovering things about his character and who he really is. You have just discovered something rather shocking about her character. Perhaps she is (or was) a sex addict. The fact that she enjoys group sex is not conventional by any means, and only people with extremely open minds (and bodies) can handle such content. Many a man has come into a relationship, blind to a woman's faults until they are knee deep in love with them, and sorely taken advantage of. I would take this relationship v-e-r-y slowly and just observe her character for awhile. Her true nature will eventually reveal itself and you will soon know if it was simply her "wild youth" or a side of her she is trying to show you still exists. Don't be blind and by all means, guard your heart in the meantime.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2007): One can't judge people by their sexual likes, it's true this one is considered unproper and immoral by many, but what is in fact strange is the fact she finds pride in this and thinks it's impressive. Why should she feel especially proud as if it defined her?
Or perhaps she meant being pride of the "late" age when it happened for the first time? Many youngsters nowadays start at too fragile ages to "prove their limits..." Sad.
Now again, what do you know of her except this lack of inhibition and sharing with you such... delicate stories three months after you met her? There are people with an extended sense of phantasies that can prove to be... reliable and good friends, in the end, ok. If you want to make sure you can wait to know better, but at least this "bravery" is suspect so you're warned... by her!
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A
male
reader, Mad-Hat-Matt +, writes (22 June 2007):
Hey its in the past and i no wat you mean i found out my ex partner lost her virginity to he old partner in a threesom wiv another girl bt as it was in her past it doesnt concern you much but if you wana no more then tell her why you see negative things and ask her to explain it more so you can understand you cant judge her because you didnt no her at the time at least no as a partner. From what you said shes not a slut she was just adventures and thats good for her but if you cant handle it you must talk to her about it. It will be fine you will be great and i hope it all works out
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2007): You have two options, either learn to accept it or it will eat away at you and damage your relationship. My ex was into threesomes big time before I met him and it some how made me feel inadequate sexually. Like yourself I had all these weird and awful thoughts that sometimes made me feel sick in the pit of my stomach, that someone who I was in love with could do such things. Not only that it made me feel that I was never going to be enough for him sexually and that he would always be hankering after a threesome. Needless to say the relationship disintegrated. All I hope for you is that she was telling you fibs, but either way whether she was telling the truth or not it is definately putting a damper on your feelings. Best thing is to try and talk things through with her so you can eventually decide whether this is a relationship you really want.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 June 2007):
 This is a tough one. First things first: You are asking about ways to get past it. You would simply need to forget about it.
Now, some people enjoy threesomes and some other people don't. Let's not be judgmental about anyone, you or her. Her liking threesomes if very difficult to reconcile with your not liking them, so I wouldn't be too optimistic about your being able to get past it. Or her being able to get past the fact that now you see her under a very different light.
Maybe you could eventually get to accept she did that in the past, but maybe you're afraid she'll ask you to have a threesome at this time. And that will be impossible.
I don't know how close you are to each other, but I see difficulties ahead.
My guess is, in some time you won't be together anymore.
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