A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I searched the internet for advice sites, and I ended up here. We (my wife and I) have a question. We have some friends who are a little younger than us (mid 20's). They are engaged to be married. The Guy has an apartment, and the Girl moved back home with her parents after finishing college. They just signed a lease on an apartment together and are going to move in May 1st. They're getting married in July.They are fighting like cats and dogs over stupid stuff and are dragging me and my wife into it. She wants him to get rid of all his furniture and clothes and He want her to get rid of all her jewelry and clothes.They both together came to us for advice since they see that we have a great marriage. They want to know our opinion about what to get rid of from the past.My wife and I disagree on this. In fact, we disagreed on this when we first got serious in our relationship. My wife thinks that BOTH of them should throw out everything from their past. (As I did). She even thinks HE should throw out his Bed. I had my wife throw out anything 'sentimental' like a ring an ex-bf gave her, but I didn't care about things like earrings, t-shirts, etc, so my wife didn't throw them out. I don't care. Just no things that might be a rememberance of a past relationship.I think that HE should throw out his sheets, but not the bed or furniture. Maybe he should throw out any pics of him and his ex on a trip or something, but casual pics of them are fine.My wife and I are so far apart on this issue. It's worked for us, I threw out everything, but let her keep some things, but since we're married 7 years, it's not even part of the past, just some stupid things that don't mean anything. But my wife thinks that BOTH of them need to throw out everything that was ever given to then by an ex. Who is right? And what advice do we give our friends? They are really having big fights over this. I mean really, throw out his furniture? I agree with throwing out pics, and selling jewelry to 'cleanse' the past, but I think they're both being very extreme, but my wife thinks this is fine. Clean Slate as my wife says.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): At the root of this issue is the "no remembrance of past relationships" rule. WHY is it so bad or so wrong to just REMEMBER a past relationship? This points to a very deep insecurity. I think this is not a very healthy thing to be carrying into a relationship or marriage. Our past made us who we are today. That includes our ex-partners. Just remembering them and that relationship does not equate to wanting to leave your marriage to go back to them!
Does that mean that no one is allowed to talk about what was going on in their life during the time when a past relationship also happened to be going on? Does that mean that if the conversation is about, say, visiting a certain place for vacation, your wife is not allowed to mention she has been there already if it was with her ex-boyfriend from a long time ago? Is she supposed to pretend she's never been there and this is the first time? Is she supposed to pretend she never saw certain movies or TV shows, if she saw them with her ex? Or worse still, is she not allowed to admit that she liked a certain movie, if it was a movie she saw with her ex??
How far do you go to insist that your spouse has to erase their past?
well I guess your wife is more right than you by her suggestion for both of them to throw out everything and no one gets to keep anything since that's the only fair compromise if they really insist on playing this game. that way there's no more silliness about whether a piece of jewellery is more threatening than a bedsheet or the other way round.
well whatever they do throw out, please suggest that they donate it to Goodwill and not just dump it in a landfill. Or better yet, have a garage sale and donate the proceeds to charity.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): All that just seems insane! They don't own each other and throwing stuff out doesn't erase memories so why kid themselves that it will?! I would tell them to stop acting like children, keep what you want and deal with it like adults. I am actually stunned that people do that I've never heard of a couple throwing out things from their past. It doesn't change their past and it probably helped make them who they are today. They shouldnt be wasting their time over this, looking forward to their future together is what counts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This all sounds ridiculous and petty. Not just your friends but the fact that even you and your wife are arguing about this.
People need to Lighten Up. And stop demanding their spouse deny that their past ever happened. So what if your spouse still has stuff that their ex gave them. Why feel so threatened by inanimate objects? Sheesh.
How about instead of each person insisting they are right instead they consider their spouse's feelings and point of view.
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female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 I hope they have lots of money to replace everything. I would remind them that they are getting MARRIED. Petty things like this are not important, rings, sheets or beds. Time to look at the big picture.
Soon they will be man and wife, and no doubt the wedding will cost a bit of money. In the grand scheme of things is any of it really that important?
There are some people in this world that don't have a bed to sleep in at night. Others don't even have shirts!
Their problem seems rather trivial and spoilt. If they are fighting about this stuff then maybe they are not ready to be married. Marrigaes are hard enough without this nonsense.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 Why are you guys arguing over what other people should keep or not? Let them choose. It's not your problem... Have you tried telling them something like "Hey, that's for you to decide, guys"?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): I don't understand the clothing thing at all, what are they going to wear? hehe They could do a clothing clean out though and donate the rest to charity.
I had the furniture issue too. I have had a recliner chair since my very first apartment a long time ago and I love it. Needless to say it didn't work well with other new furniture so we made the spare room a computer/games room where I can retreat to when the soaps are on.
The way we worked it was I let her decide about the decor in all common living areas and I got my little retreat, a boys room. She moved some small things of mine into the sitting room though because she wanted it be a reflection of both of us. I had to get rid of my old bed too and a lot of other stuff, I quote "I don't want the numerous others girls you've had on that's juices in my nice new house".
Reminders of the past are fine, gifts and photos from exes go in a box and are stored out of sight unless they're useful/practical. My girlfriend has a really cool scarf she got as a gift from an ex, she loves it and uses it, it was the first gift she ever got from a boyfriend and it means a lot to her so I have no problem with it. Photos of that ex are not to be displayed openly, she can take them out of the box any time she wants or simply log in to Facebook. Other than the scarf we don't really have many reminders of past lovers. I always sell, give away or burn them (depending on how we broke up), I don't need objects to remind me of moments from my past, my memory and old photos are fine, and she only had one semi-serious relationship before me. A lot of our past reminders were gifts from friends, family etc and as long as they fit in with the decor they were kept, not much though.
There were a few things we couldn't agree on so we just went halves on a storage space or put them in parents attics. I eventually gave all that stuff up.
OP just tell them not to make any decisions yet and give some time to think.
We know they both want each other to move in naked but they should just do a bit of a clean out of their clothes. Put any ex-gifts into a box each and put them into storage any ex-gifts they want access because they're useful put them in a smaller box and leave them in the wardrobe.
They need to stop worrying about what they'll take until they've figured out how they're going to decorate it. They're building a new life and new marriage, personally I'm not the sentimental type at all so I gladly dumped everything except my chair, my dogs and my electronics, basically anything truly functional.
She'd never lived out of home before so she didn't have a huge amount of belongings. So we started afresh really. Neither of us are crazy sentimental anyway we have our memories, we don't need objects all around us to remind us of the past, we can just take out one of the boxes if we're up for a "trip down memory lane" I mean that is why they call it a "trip" and not "living" in memory lane. Saying that my girlfriend loves photos and lots of them, so I solved that by buying her a load of digital picture frames. That way she has ready made slideshows or can just leave up a picture that suits her mood. She's gotten creative and will set them to show pictures of her friends that are visiting or of her parents when they're visiting hehe, she's a sneaky woman but it works, people like the idea that she has pictures of them around the place even if it is only for the few hours they're there.
OP tell them to ditch everything in principle for the moment until they've decorated the place. Make all the furniture and stuff new, it's a new life, a new place and this will be their place of marriage that they can fill with recent and future mementos. Select specific clothing each they want to keep. Have her select jewellery she will wear regularly and put the rest in a box in the attic. Basically just make a list of things they will part with, they definitely won't part with and stuff they don't want to part with. Usually everything except the definites goes.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 April 2012):
 Marriage lesson number one. You will never agree on every single thing in a marriage and you will be confronted by hundreds of potential rifts. Some of these things will be minor, like the toothpaste squeeze issue (solved by getting a pump version). Others will be major, like do you buy a new or a used car, or where to spend the major family holiday, or what names you pick for your children.
LIfe lesson number two. Never ever get in the position of mediating an issue for another couple. It's a lose-lose proposition. Someone will be forced to take sides and it's just not your place to decide for them. Presumably, they are adults. Presumably, they have faced difficult life choices before. Presumably, they are mentally capable of deciding for themselves (they both signed the lease, after all).
Your role in this? "Ah, so sorry to hear you are having so much trouble deciding. Here's what we did. Hope this helps you."
More brouhaha, hubbub, squabbling, more appeals to you to act as referee? "Ah, we see you are having trouble making a mutual decision. Maybe the best thing to do is to sit down with a bottle of wine or a pot of coffee or tea and come to an adult understanding. Maybe all this fighting is a sign that you aren't really ready yet. Maybe you need to learn how to fight? Or learn the communication styles of each other? Rather than fight right now, why don't the two of you sit down and do some research?"
The arguments continue? More appeals to you to decide? "Um, sorry, guys, we love you but this is getting a bit ridiculous and frankly immature. If you have to turn to us for these kinds of decisions, maybe you really aren't ready to move in together. Tell you what. Everyone keeps everything and no one moves in together. Yeah, yeah, you'll have to deal with the lease thing and cancel the wedding but this will buy you time to figure it out."
For what it's worth, I think "throwing out" everything is a real waste of useful items. We have enough crap in the landfills that we should not dispose of perfectly good items because we aren't emotionally capable of dealing with the fact that our partners had a life before they met us. It's like trying to erase the hard drive. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless MInd" kind of stuff.
I don't mean she gets to keep the engagement ring from the first fiancee (she should have given that back anyway) or her last boyfriend's fuzzy sweater. But trying to erase the past by throwing EVERYTHING away? Really?
Why not just let each person decide what they would like to keep and donate the rest? Seems to me to be a fair way to solve it.
The best thing to do? "Hey, we'd love to help you through this rough patch but to be honest, we don't agree on the ideal solution ourselves, so I guess that's a sign we won't be good referees. You two are going to have to face this, discuss it like grownups and make the decision yourselves. It's all part of growing up. We hope you work it out, we love you both and can't wait to see you start a new life together."
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 April 2012):
 Nope you are ALL wrong...
mementos of past relationships go in a box and get put away till such a time as the OWNER of the box is ready to get rid of them. NOT the spouse of the owner. I have been over the last year getting rid of more and more things like gifts, cards and pictures of past relationships as I stumble upon them.
Clothing is OFF limits...if she gets rid of all hers he gets rid of all his...
As for furniture... if they like it and need it it stays..
Jewelry stays IMO if it's valuable (i.e. gold) it can be sold when the owner is ready... My mom is dead 16 years and I'm just getting ready to sell her jewelry...
we kept my bedroom furniture
we kept HIS bed
we kept one of his tvs
we kept one of mine
we got another new one for the bedroom
got rid of my couch
kept his couch
got a new one for the game room
getting rid of my paintings on the wall... no I"m not happy but he needs that to feel like it's his place too.
I put my foot down on my depression glass (a collectable)
Personally I think you and your wife should refer them to a mediator. Let a professional help them out.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 April 2012):
 I think making anyone throw out sentimental things is a bad idea in any relationship. You can't erase the past, and just because someone keeps photos or letters doesn't mean they are wishing for that relationship. The memories will always still be there. Though I do think it's inappropriate to keep any dirty pictures. If my partner demanded I get rid of any reminders of my past, we would have a problem.
This whole thing sounds very petty and possessive. If they can't get past this/compromise they will never be able to survive as a married couple. When they're in such close quarters they HAVE to compromise because they are going to have disagreements about very small things all the time. They have to learn to pick their battles and it's very sad that this early on they are choosing THIS hill to die on.
If the bed is such a huge deal, they can buy a new one for under $200 online. Do they really think their relationship is worth less than $200? It doesn't really matter what other people think (for the record, I do think it's a little silly to replace the bed). But the fact is it's going to be their apartment together. If every time she sees that bed she is consumed with jealousy, it's going to drive a wedge between them and it's not worth straining the relationship over something so easy to fix. I've had furniture fights with my boyfriend when we moved in, but the biggest one lasted probably 2 hours including silent brooding time. They have to learn to compromise. Maybe they can replace the bed but he came keep something ugly that he's attached to.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 April 2012):
 IF one of a "partnership" believes that the other in that partnership must discard his/her past as a condition of that partnership.... then that partnership is beginning on some pretty shaky ground..... and it's only a matter of time before the partner who acquiesced will become resentful of the other partner..... and say, "What the f**k to you think you're doing telling me that I have to discard all of the rest of my life prior to you????"... and that partner realizes that that other partner has serious jealousy/esteem issues that are going to haunt that partnership forever.....I would give this a new "once-over" with your G/F and see just where she is on this matter..... IF she thinks that the world revolves around her - and ONLY her - then YOU, Sir, are buying in to a deal that you, almost-certainly, will regret, later......
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 I have to confess this is a new one for me. Throwing out any physical reminders of the past? That seems, frankly, insecure. Past relationships made us all the people we are today. It’s a part of you, of your wife, your friends. You carry with you the lessons you learned, and those make you the person who has made the commitment.
If some memento of a past relationship makes you pine for that relationship, perhaps it reflects on your willingness or ability to commit to the present. You can’t purge your memories, and you shouldn’t need to.
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male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 First and foremost, whatever happens between them or on here should not come between you and your wife. You may disagree on this but it shouldn't your strong relationship.As for this, I think your wife may be right. If the girlfriend wants him to throw everything out, then she must be willing to do the same otherwise it's hypocritical. If a previous relationship is over and they are over it, then there's no need for them to keep so there shouldn't be a problem for the throwing it away.As for the furniture, it does seem a little extreme but if it's all that it takes for her to be happy. Then it shouldn't be too much of a hardship, as long as they can afford to replace it. If they cannot afford it, then no, they shouldn't be doing it. It does seem to be a battle of pride more than anything. But the best thing to do is to just compromise to keep the peace. All relationships, as you well know, require certain sacrifices in order to keep the peace and continue in a happy relationship. Good luck with all of this.
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Why are items from a past relationship, or sheets or a bed that might have had an ex sleep on them or have sex on them, such a threat to people? I never understood that. They're items, they're not INFECTED with THE HORRIBLE SPIRIT OF THE EEEEXXXX!!!! Boogity Boogity! No one is going to see an item from an ex and suddenly go, "Oh, I remember now, I love my EX, not my new partner! I'm going to break up with them right now!"They're just things.No one should have to throw out anything unless it's completely broken-down, full of holes and ghetto from age. Pictures, jewelry, clothes, the bed, here's a novel idea. How about everyone gets to keep everything they want, and they get over this silly little high school idea that an item that their partner's ex touched is somehow going to magically infect their partner with "I Love My Ex" syndrome.
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