A
male
age
30-35,
*andomando
writes:I hate DRAMA!!! I would always fight with my ex because we always wanted to be right!!! so eventually I smartened up and realized it really doesnt matter and gave in to an argument to not fight. Im currently dating a girl and doing the same thing. I dont want to put a relationship on us but i guess it is... I did this with my ex and i really want to change because I made alot of mistakes, I would tell her I am going to the gym when i was going to go to a friends house who she didnt like or i was tired and couldnt come over because i would rather blaze with friends. I did this all the time as the relationship progressed because It would avoid a fight. It would be texting fights and could last hours or days. (Its not just those things I lied to her about its all sorts but those are just a couple examples I could think of that I did)So how do you get bye this? This girl im with texts alot so we always know what we are doing. she doesnt like me to smoke, or little random stuff so ive been lieing. But i do it to avoid arguments. I cant handle fighting. (shes basically a copy of my ex) So basically there are things I do, that i know will bother her alot and start fights. I lie to avoid the fight. No one gets hurt but its lying. How do I do what i want to do without lying to her?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 April 2012):
 The reason you are finding drama in your relationships is because you are acting a role. You are pretending to be someone you are not, and when that mask slips a bit, the 'audience' realizes that she isn't getting the show she signed up for.
In other words, you are creating your own drama by the choices you make.
Stop pretending and simply be yourself. A girl will eventually materialize who will take you as you are. Just as you will take her as she is, right?
By the way, disagreements don't have to turn into big dramatic fights. A great tool to have is a sense of humor, a sense of honor and and respect for her viewpoint, as much respect for her viewpoint as you have for your own.
So yeah, a bunch of white lies of the type you've described? A recipe for DRAMA! Of your own making!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): Oh boy. I'm going to be blunt. You need to stop. I'll tell you right now, that this little "white lies" you're telling...well they can destroy a relationship. It destroyed my last relationship.
You can think that these lies do no harm by themselves, but when you keep telling so many lies, it's not about what the lies mean by themselves, it's the fact you don't trust her with the truth. And when she finds out that you haven't trusted her with the truth, she will lose her trust in you (and will have trouble believing you).
All these white lies can destroy the foundation of a relationship. One little white lie here and there, few and far between, maybe that's understandable, but when it's about where you've been, what you're doing...sorry, but you're destroyin that trust. And you need that for a strong relationship.
You may think she'll never know, but seriously, don't you respect her enough not to play with her like this?
It's better to have it out and deal with things. The relationship will not last in a healthy way like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): So you went from a high-conflict relationship (which is bad) to a conflict-avoidant relationship (which is also bad).
both are just as bad. Both are just as destructive to relationships.
the high conflict destroys relationships because of all the hurt it causes. Drama is not good, drama is destructive to people's feelings and intimacy between people.
But the conflict-avoidance which is the exact opposite, also destroys relationships because of the lies, omissions, secrecy it requires. It builds walls and barriers between people and creates an air of mistrust and inability to be your true self.
The right thing to do is to face conflict-causing situations head on but deal with it in a calmer, more respectful, less emotional, less angry, way. So that the problems can get worked out in the open but without causing bad feelings and drama.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 April 2012):
 Those are "white lies" those are outright lies. A white lie is when someone asks you if they've gained weight and you say no when they have. An out and out lie is telling your girlfriend you're working out when you're going and getting high. It's not that your ex and current gf need to be right, it's that you're lying to them!
If you two have differences, like that you like to smoke and she doesn't, you need to solve it or break up, not lie. Instead of fighting over weed, what if you got some pamphlets/websites about it and show them to her? This one movie about the history of it in the US is very interesting (blanking on the name). Fighting accomplishes nothing because all it does is make people emotionally invested in being right. There's no more logic, just a competition. Try to keep everything as rational as possible and stop lying. If things escalate just say "I need some air." and go for a walk. By the time you get back, the emotions will have cooled.
Also, don't fight over text. If it starts turning into a fight, tell her "I don't want to fight over text. If something is bothering you, let's talk in person." That way you both will calm down by the time you meet up.
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A
female
reader, armyofme  +, writes (11 April 2012):
My boyfriend does this to me (also carried the habit over from a previous relationship) and I can tell you it's not a nice thing to be on the wrong end of. We've been together 3 years now and throughout that time a whole bunch of his lies and cover ups have come out one way or another, causing me a great deal of pain. I really struggle to trust him at all. I often wonder if I know him at all and it's fair to say I've grown resentful of him since I don't feel respected or as though I'm regarded as an equal other. I also notice that his lying has an interesting side-effect; he is unable to trust me! Thinking that I might go around with the same intentions in mind that he does, he's constantly snooping around in my private things for evidence of deception, which of course he never finds. I can honestly say his lying and sneaking around over what are ultimately trivial matters have cost us a great deal more than anything he has gained, and I know he would agree.It's not just about the pain and doubt you'll cause when you're found out (and you will be). Please don't underestimate the importance of authenticity in a relationship - if you do not give an honest portrayal of yourself and your values to your partner you are cheating her. If you're ever going to have happy relationships based on mutual respect, you'll need to grow a little backbone and face up to the consequences of the decisions you make every day - might as well start practicing now.Lastly, if you find your needs in a relationship are so incompatible with your girlfriend's, and you can't reach a compromise, you're obviously not right for each other and you should leave your girlfriend rather than stringing her along and deceiving her.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (10 April 2012):
If you lie about these small things in order to avoid fights, in the end it will just bite you in the butt. Because she will find out about this sometime. One day she will talk to one of your friends, and they will let it slip or you will yourself when you can't remember your lie. And then you two will have the mother of all fights because she will want to know why you are lying to her and what else you are hiding.
There will be things that each of you do that the other person dislikes. If you want to be in a mature and healthy relationship, you have to work through it, not lie and hide it from the other person. If the 2 of you really disagree about it and can't settle it, then maybe your interests/personalities are not suitable to be in a relationship.
Lying makes the fighting worse. Because when she finds out, she won't trust you anymore, and then you guys will be fighting constantly about that. About every lie you might have told. And whether you are continuing to lie to her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 April 2012):
 A lying habit is a very exhausting thing. It will put off a fight but you will caught lying and the fight will be about the lying. You are not respecting a person in a relationship when you are showing them a facade just to keep peace. When you look at the mostly discussed topics here you will find out how important trust and honesty is. When a person finds out you are lying about something it can hurt twice as bad than if they knew the truth from the beginning. Ideally the partner should accept you for who you are. Being a chameleon could only get you so far and it shows you can be easily manipulated when you are afraid to be yourself. Frequent fights is an indicator that you are not compatible, and not that you have to bend your ways or lie to keep the relationship.
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