A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Thank you all for reading my story: I am 35 years old, and on a recent trip to the Pacific, I met a man 10 years older and we fell in love. After a brief week together, we parted ways, only to reunite in Thailand weeks later to see where things are going. In our first week together, he was very loving, affectionate, and we got on great. In Thailand, he began to distance himself physically and this caused me great anxiety. I am a very touchy feely/cuddly person, and tried to communicate to him how important this is to me, but he would continue to behave according to what's comfortable for him, and this meant virtually no kisses, a hug here and there, and any cuddles would always be initiated by me, which after a while began to feel like I was begging for affection, holding onto any morsel that would come my way. We didn't break up then, though. He ended up flying to the States and living with me for three months. Two days after landing we got into our first major fight. He was telling me that feminists are stupid and that he's fundamentally against it, which I found insulting and kind of hypocritical, since it's my financial situation (company founder, financially independent woman) that allowed him to live with me (I covered his shelter and food) to begin with. It's important to note that our plan was for him to train in a new career while living with me (I do online work, and wanted to help free him up so we can both be location-independent). Unfortunately, he got COVID two weeks after getting here, and the rest of 3 months together were eclipsed by his illness. The illness brought out the worst parts of his personality: he became very negative all the time, absorbed in his own experience, which I understand as he was very very ill.But we also began to fight a lot in this time. I would say something to set him off, and he would launch into a 20-30 minute speech that often took on a life of its own, just taking out his anger on me. I would crawl off to bed, alone, and feel so lonely in the relationship. But I would repeat the same pattern again the following morning, caring for him and hoping he would become more caring in return. I don't know how much of his behavior is due to his illness, and how much of it is just his personality. He comes from a very traumatic childhood and much of that trauma continues to haunt him into his adulthood, and every morning we would wake up and he would launch into a long monologue about all that's wrong with this world. If it wasn't the immigrant crisis, then it was some memory about his mother, or a rant about something that upset him in his childhood. After a while I noticed that he doesn't really ask me anything about myself, just talks to me. These mornings went on for three months and filled me with anxiety. Both of us are struggling with substance abuse (weed and smoking), and I would often turn to that habit to cope with the stress the relationship was causing me. I tried to approach him three times in the last week before he left, to try and talk about the sources of tension, but each time he would dismiss it and say he doesn't want to talk about it, that it "is what it is." Two weeks before he flew out, he told me that he needs to get home, heal from his illness, then "reassess everything." The morning after he flew back home to seek medical care, I slept 12 hours and woke up feeling a release of exhaustion from my body. I now feel the double burden of not knowing if I should wait out longer and see if this gets any better, feel like a monster for breaking up with someone and leaving them out on the streets when they are uninsured and unemployed and have long COVID, but at the same time dread the idea of us getting back together and having these patterns repeat all over again. I have the option of having him fly in for another three months as a "trial period" to see if things improve. What do I do, agony aunts?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2023): So he is a freeloader. And you are happy to have a man sponge off of you big time? To be honest I wonder how you can have such a terrific job as you claim to have then? You need wisdom, insight, knowledge and smarts to get good jobs.You knew this guy was cold and distant but you carried on and complain, what is the point of that? Become wiser.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 October 2023):
 Would you read a book for a second time and expect a different ending? Watch a film again and expect it to end differently? Of course not. So why would you go back to a relationship which caused you nothing but misery and expect it to be different?
Walk away before he convinces you that you don't deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 October 2023):
 Nope, let him go.
He wasn't as into YOU as he was into what you could OFFER to him.
If I were you, I'd wish him well and block him on all fronts.
Just like you do not go back to a "dud" firework you DO NOT go back with a "dud" partner.
He showed you just how little he thought of you when you were in Thailand. You ignored the red flags and invited him to LIVE with you for 3 months and it was a nightmare (With or without Covid).
Why not look for a guy closer to home? Someone you share MORE in common with. Not some guy who wants a "sugar momma" and to treat her like shit too?
Have a little self-respect. You can do SO much better than this guy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2023): Thank you so much, Kenny. I am the original poster of the message, and I needed to hear what you wrote.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (17 October 2023):
 Well I think that you have given a relationship with him a fair shot and unfortunately it has not worked. I feel if you try again I fail to see how things would improve.
I think that you should save yourself future upset and heartache and call it a day with him.
I would say the way he was was more his personality than his illness, this is the way he is, so I don't think he is going to flip a switch and become the perfect partner for you.
I feel the first red flag here was in Thailand where he distanced himself from you, I feel that this should maybe have been the time to break up and part ways.
Him going back home was maybe a blessing in disguise, you have separation between you now. I know its your call, but I seriously would advice not seeing him again, deleting and blocking him.
At the end of the day what's important is your health and happiness, I feel trying again with him will cause you heartache and disappointment.
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