A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Why do fwb get so possessive? I really never had a good experience, that's why I want to give up on it. Even pleasant conversation and flirting and cuddling goes away as soon as the sex starts. I've had several year long friendships go away as soon as the sex started. What I thought were true, emotionally connected faithful friendships. Or, if I turn the sex part down (after years of being friends) they start to treat me like crap, to the point of actual abuse. This is why I don't want sex or a relationship that includes sex. It's been a long time since I've been on a proper date and even when that happened they wanted to rush through the dating as fast as possible. If I prolonged sex, they dropped me. I've tried fwb with acquaintances and they treat me badly as soon as sex starts. What gives?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2023): Fwb is sex only. If you want to settle for that settle for it, I never would in a million years, got more respect for myself. You don't use sex as a way to get a relationship, it never works. Men who would do fwb, in my experience, are not nice men anyway, no depth to them, too shallow, only bothered about the woman's age and how good looking she is for sex. If that same woman was ill in hospital or penniless and unable to pay her rent he would disappear. And remember that plenty of men have to pay prostitutes for casual sex with no strings or promises. If you put out to such a guy he is saving a lot of money, but what is in it for you? I've had plenty of men trying to get a fwb thing with me, I would have become a well paid call girl if that sort of thing interested me, not handing it out to charity cases.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 October 2023):
 I think you might have to take a hard look at HOW you (yourself) view sex.
What I mean by that is, if you see it as "something to do" with a casual partner (and yes a FWB is a casual partner in the sense that you give no investment or commitment and you receive none in return). If sex isn't of "value" then people might conflate YOU with that view. As in, YOU also do not have any value.
Sex is a VERY intimate thing to do with another person. One of the most intimate things you can do with another person. It shouldn't be regarded as "an itch to scratch".
I think just as you should VALUE yourself, the person you choose to SHARE intimacy with and intimacy on the same HIGH level.
Friendships are not the same as a romantic relationship. Adding sex doesn't always MAKE it a romantic relationship.
You don't "duck" your friends.
I will say this though, if someone who you thought were a good friend starts to become abusive once sex enters the "stage", he/she was NEVER a true friend. They were always abusive to sexual partners, and you just didn't know it until you had sex.
My advice?
Take some time and just ENJOY being single.
STOP trying to "duck" friends and acquaintances.
Be picky when you DO date. Have clear boundaries.
If you want to be "courted" - as in go on dates, getting to know the person (in person) BEFORE adding sex, then STICK to it. If the guy/girl can't wait for sex and want to skip the "get to know you phase" HE/SHE isn't for you and YOU move on.
If he/she is willing to WAIT (let's say) 6-7 months for sex and just want to spend time with you, and get to know you, then you know HE/SHE has potential to be a long-term romantic partner.
Don't treat sex as if it's no big deal - it is.
Take yourself seriously. You deserve respect.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (17 October 2023):
 Life is a learning curve, you are only young so just put these previous encounters down to experience.
We have all had bad experiences and relationships that we would rather forget, but each one of these experiences there is a lesson to be learned, something to take with us to learn from so we know not to make the same mistake next time.
Maybe refrain from fwb encounters, even stay away from relationships altogether for a while and concentrate on yourself, give yourself some self love, go out with friends, have a good time and do things that make your heart sing.
When you are ready I am sure you will meet someone nice and enter into a meaningful relationship, and probably when you least expect it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2023): FWB get "possessive" because while it's supposed to be just sex, they still want to protect themselves from diseases. If you're blatantly obvious that you're getting texts from other guys, even a coworker who wants a ride, what makes them think you're not sleeping with them too? Truthfully, it should not matter, but you should have enough decency to keep it to yourself! If they think you're sleeping with someone else, that puts them at STI risk which means they'll have to wear a condom and they'd rather not sleep with a whore. If you sleep with them no strings attached why not assume you are with anyone else? They may not want commitment, but that's because they don't want to work for it. They also don't want to pay a hooker in part because of the stigma and in part because they easily find someone like you who is dumb enough to give it away for free! FWB is just sex, talking about flirting and bonding and cuddling is annoying because if they wanted ALL that they'd get a girlfriend, just not you. Grow up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2023): FWB isn't for you, so don't do it. I'd also say dating until you make sure that person really is who they say they are (taking your time before committing and sex) won't work for you because no decent, respectful guy is going to be willing to be with someone (you) who's given herself up so easily so many times. Girls like you are just sex. Suck it up, you did it to yourself.
The problem is, FWB has nothing to do with sex, is sex ONLY. If you get sex, he gets sex and you're even. If you want more (friendship, flirting, emotional connection), you ARE asking too much. People who avoid relationships do so so they can get the sex without the emotional baggage, not the other way around!
As for friendship, that takes work and most straight guts don't want that with a female unless they're getting sex too. Then they don't want the girl being emotionally entangled with anyone but them, that's for a girlfriend to have. Even if a guy I'd like that with you, he'll drop all that if he gets a girlfriend because he'll get all that from her. Should have kept him instead of friend zoning him - your fault. Even people in poly relationships are fine with sharing their bed but not the emotional part.
You ask too much.
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