A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody any advice will be appreciated. Me and my boyfriend had been together four years when I got into a university in a different country to do medicine. It's a five year course and I would be living four hours away from home. After much consideration I decided this degree was my future and accepted the place. My boyfriend was heart broken and didn't talk about It at all, so I decided it would only be fair to end the relationship. I did love him but living four hours away and only seeing him every 4/5 months would be heart breaking for both of us. It wouldn't be fair to ask him to hold his love life for five years and I new I would miss him too much to focus on the degree. He was heartbroken and very wounded and cut contact with me. Turns out living away from home wasn't what it was cracked up to be. I missed my family, I missed my town and I missed my ex boyfriend. I couldn't concentrate on my degree living in halls as they were so loud and luckily was offered a transfer to the university in my home town. I returned after 5 months. I contacted my ex boyfriend and asked if he wanted to meet up for a catch up. I understood if he didn't miss me and I new I couldn't expect him to come running back just because I had decided to return home. Luckily it turned out he had been missing me just as much. We've been dating for the last 7/8 weeks and everything is amazing. However two weeks after having sex with him I developed a discharge and when I went to get checked it turned out I had contracted chlamydia. I asked him before we initially had sex if he had had sex with any other girls and he replied yes and that he had used protection. I had only had sexual contact with one other guy to which I used a condom and got a negative sexual health check. When we got into the conversation it turns out he had sex with a total of eight girls in five months. To which he said he thought he had used condoms with all of them but did have oral sex etc without. He said he was hurt and covered it up by having one night stands. I'm disappointed for many reasons. I'm jealous that he had so many sexual relations, I feel insecure as I always thought he wasn't into the drinking and one night stand lifestyle, I'm hurt that he's given me a Sti and part of me feels like he hasn't been completely honest. I'm also upset that he didn't even apologise after I told him, he kind of laughed it off and then went to get tested. I understand I have no right to feel this way as I ended the relationship and what he did in those months are his business but I don't know how best to manage these feelings. It's happened now but how do I get over it without jeopardising what we have just got back?
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condom, discharge, heartbroken, insecure, jealous, my ex, one night stand, oral sex, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2014): He has shown you who he is. Not nice whether you were on a break or had broken up.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 March 2014):
 I think you've learned that this guy is a boy-whore.... AND, thereby, you have to consider that any "relationship" that you want to have with him will, necessarily, be quite tenuous.... He's ready to bolt, at any time, to try some/any other girl.... Give him up....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (22 March 2014):
 STIs are no joke. Dump this loser, and get on with your own life. You can't hold a grudge about what he did during the breakup (though I understand feeling uncomfortable), but you SHOULD be annoyed that he gave you an infection and acted as if it were no big deal. Can you really trust him? Let this be a lesson in safe, protected sex, and move on. Sounds like you have a bright future. Be safe, and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 March 2014):
 He has nothing to be sorry about to be honest. You broke up with him because you thought you'd be away to school. He dealt with the pain of losing you by having casual sex. You didn't "reconcile" if there was no fight, you just re-committed when you changed your mind. You were in the driver's seat in this entire saga. You also had sex while you two were apart.
As for the STI, the mistake on both ends was to not have both of you tested before resuming sex, AND that you resumed sex without protection as if you had never broken up. This could have very well gone the other way around and you, from your one other guy, could have given him HIV regardless of protection.
You're very lucky. A course of antibiotics and a good STI test for the both of you to make sure there aren't other issues should clear you both and you'll be none the wiser.
What was there to be honest about for him? He was being honest with you. It happened. You both broke up - you both were sexually active outside of your relationship, and then you both got back together. Your STI is easy to clear.
I agree with like I see it - you both should put on condoms for a bit until the longer-taking STI tests clear for you. He was using casual encounters as a band-aid because you hurt him profoundly. Guys tend to not view sex with the same emotional scope we do, which is why you only had one, and you dealt with your pain by getting transferred. You both cut contact, which he thought was forever, so he was grieving you.
You'll be fine. The STI will be gone. You could have easily given him herpes, so you both are lucky. He didn't lie to you, and you both should put on the condoms until the HIV tests are done.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): You have reasonable regrets for the interruption in your relationship; but don't you dare take any responsibility for his actions during your separation.
He knows the consequences of unprotected sex; and he didn't suddenly change into a party-animal. It was all bottled-up and just waiting to get out. Either that, or he put on a pretty-good front as the loving and faithful boyfriend.
Sorry, but his Jekyll and Hyde act isn't flying here!
Can you be anymore naive? Boyfriends will come and go.
Opportunities often present themselves but only once!
Now back to you. You ended the relationship with hopes of pursuing your dreams. Don't apologize for making such a noble and ambitious choice. You're going into medicine!
Unfortunately, your return to your hometown didn't yield everything you expected. Time wasn't going to stand still while you were away. Once you make a major choice, you must stick to it. Don't waiver and wobble all over the place.
You also need to stop centering all your energies and attention on your EX-boyfriend. You're very young, and have a lot a maturing to do. Most of your need to reconcile is out of jealousy, and a very damaged ego. Not love. The thought he went hog-wild; the minute you were out of the picture. It makes you feel played and foolish.
You need to give this flimsy relationship a rest; and take a major chill-pill. Concentrate on your education. Put your needs and dreams first. Things are no longer what they used to be. They changed the day you left.
Oh, if only I could sit and have tea with your parents!!!
Medicine is a very serious profession, and is very academically-challenging. You can't have a half-assed approach to it. It's all, or nothing. You must dedicate yourself to getting through medical school; or choose a less challenging field of study. You have five or more years medical school, and a minimum two-year medical internship ahead of you!
He's just dipping his wick all over town, and now you're trying to pick-up where you left-off. Faulting yourself for his adolescent-schoolboy promiscuity; because you made a wise choice not to be distracted, and pursue your education.
Guess what Missy? He's not the guy you think he is. He got a taste of being single, and that crap about missing you went right out the window with his common-sense. He's now a skirt-chaser, and you don't have an eighth of the trust you had for him before you left.
So here comes another distracted school-term chasing after him; and keeping up with his antics.
How much is he concentrating on his education? What does he aspire to be? Other than the stud about town?
You had better make up your mind what you're doing. This guy is not your husband, he's spreading venereal diseases around, and showed you just how much he missed you. What a heck of a welcome-home present? Chlamydia?
Seriously?!!!
I could shake you until your teeth rattle!
That schlepper of a boyfriend is going to make you lose your focus; while you're constantly wondering what he's up to, or if he's being faithful. Well, it's going to be a lot more difficult for him now, than before. The beast has been unleashed. You'll always wonder what's going on.
He even has the balls to laugh it off after he infected you! You have the intellect to pursue a career in medicine; but not the logic to see things for what they clearly have become. I'm sorry to say; but it's not going to end here.
Then you're going to wonder about all his past flings with the other girls; oh... and wait until you run into them. Then yet more emotional-acrobatics, and even more drama.
You are better off to let him go. Reconciliations rarely work the second-time around; and you've already lost most of your trust in him. He didn't have to be faithful once you were gone. He wasted very little time.
Do yourself a favor. Grow up and let the puppy-love fade into the past. Follow your dreams and allow yourself to mature. Now is not the time to be going off-track. He has changed, or is most likely showing his true colors.
Ignore your better judgement. So many smart young women lose focus, and get thrown off-track by chasing stupid boys and getting caught-up in drama. Throwing everything away, delaying their success; or losing their drive altogether.
I will not give him the honor of calling him a man.
Laughing after infecting you with what could have been something worse. That took away any respect he deserved.
I know this all sounds like the rantings and ravings of an over-protective father. It isn't. It's the voice of reason and wisdom; trying to reach inside your head, and plant a seed that that will make you stop and think.
You're running on emotions now. Let logic kick-in, and run all this through that brilliant mind of yours. Don't let it all go to waste. There are lives out there waiting to be saved. You may be the one chosen to do that.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (21 March 2014):
 As you've said, you can't really blame him for his actions during the months while you were broken up, especially as he had every reason to assume it would be permanent.
He was coping with pain and he chose ways that you wouldn't choose to do it. While I can see why this would make you uncomfortable, if he's never been a drinker or a partier while seeing you, there's a good chance he won't push to continue that lifestyle now that he has you back in his life.
The part of this post that troubles me is the part where he wasn't concerned about giving you an STI. If he thought he'd used protection every time, maybe he assumed there was nothing to tell you about, but after EIGHT sex partners, maybe while intoxicated and not thinking clearly enough to be safe every time, he should definitely have gotten tested before becoming intimate with you again. Maybe he laughed it off because he didn't know you'd tested clean before him and thought you had gotten it somewhere else... but if that's the case, then when his own results came back in positive (I assume he has gotten them?) he *should* have apologized. Both for not taking you seriously, and for putting your health at risk in the first place.
Given that certain STIs take a while to cause symptoms or show up in screening, I wouldn't have any more unprotected sex with this guy for a few months if I were you. He probably won't like that, but that's his bad for being irresponsible, and may help you feel like you're getting some closure with this by providing a 'consequence' to his lack of concern about this. And you should both be checked again before the condoms come off for good.
Best wishes.
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