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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupids out there, I really really need help :( please help me ...This is going to be a long post.. But I'm really lost at what to do. Ilove my boyfriend very much. And iI'm quite sure he loves me tpopular. He tells me he loves me. However, despite the words, sometimes I find his actions contradicting his words. I feel unloved at times by his actions. He's not a typical boyfriend who would buy gifts for girlfriends or make gifts or do really sweet things. From the time we started dating last year , he has only made me one card. For our first Valentine's, he never intended to buy me or give me anything if it weren't due to pressure from his friends. I really don't need a gift, I just wanted time together and perhaps a card as a token of affevtion. On Valentine's day, he never showed me any affection,he dididn't hold my hand, or hug me or kiss me or said I love you. Nothing at all. He even complained about how my gift was inconvenient for him to carry around. In the little note pasted on his gift. His words weren't very nice. He chided me on things and said I piss the shit out of him. We didn't have a date on that day and the subsequent days. Valentine's day was just like that. I didn't say anything about it. Even on daily interaction, he'll ignore me sometimes when friends appear and he'll just get to carried away. I'm perfectly fine with him socializing with other people. I'm not the type that wants my boyfriend to be with me 24/7. My boyfriend tells me to shut up in front of other people including my friends when I want to say something and he wants to say something as well. He never doesthis to me in the past. Only recently. He gets annoyed with me easily nowadays and tells me I ruined his day when I try to talk to him about these things (telling me to shut up etc ) . When I ask him out, he would reject me most of the times saying we have No.time and he needs to study. But we rarely go.out. I can even count the number of times we went out tgt with my fingers. Am I asking too much? And when we did go out. He would sometimes complain how time is wasted again. SSometimes I blame myself for thinking too much and all that matters is that he loves me. But I can't help But feel hurt when he is being mean and insensitive. When I'm sick or not feeling well, he never asked me how I was and whether Im OK. In the past he would ask and be concerned. Now he doesn't bother to ask. He just went ahead with his friends to eat. He doesn't joke with me anymore, and his words are meaner nowadays. It's like he doesn't care about my feelings. When I get upset with him and tell him about it. He will get all angry and said I don't understand him. I just wanted a little more affection. But he says I'm being clingy. Am I really being clingy ? I have never controlled him in any ways. I never told him what to do. I never insist on things. But even when I sound out. I make him so pissed off. I really don't know what to do anymore. I llove him so much and I can't bear to break up. My boyfriend doesn't like my family nor my friends. He didn't have a good reason. He has never met them before and when I ask him why he doesn't like them. He just said he just don't like them. And he doesn't want to meet them. (I ask him if he wants to go meet my friends ) I just wanted to show him my friends because they were a part of my life. My friends have told me that my boyfriend is not treating me rightand sometimes ask me if I'm alright. I keep thinking that they felt this way because they dont know my boyfriend well. But I'm starting to feel that perhaps he's really not treating me right. My friends' boyfriends have never treated them like that before. I really need advices from both guys and girls, I really want to know what guys and girls think about this. Am I really clingy, expecting too much or I'm just overthinking.... does my boyfriend really love me? Should I continue this relationship? Thank you all so much. From a really helpless person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): No you're not clingy, no you're not asking for too much, no he's nowhere near being a good boyfriend. Letting him treat you this way just shows that you have no self respect. No-one should get away with treating anyone like that, no no no no and once again, nooooooo! Pleeeeeeeze break up, you can do sooooo much better than him, he doesn't deserve you, not one bit!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2014): These are the signs that your boyfriend wants out of the relationship but doesn't have the guts to tell you so by behaving nastily he hopes you might be the one to break it off and thereore be seen as the bad guy. This would fit in with his mentality which is clearly all about him. I was with a guy like this once who got meaner and meaner and I tried harder and harder to please him but in reality he just wanted out. After months of being treated shamefully he eventually screamed at me that he wanted out of the relationship, had done for months and just couldn't take being with me any longer. I had done nothing wrong and nor have you. He doesn't want to be with you and has retreated back into himself so anytime with you is just an annoyance. You need to make the decision and walk away because this guy just does not want a relationship. It will be hard, it was very hard for me but eventually you will meet someone else and see the difference. This is not a happy place and you don't deserve being treated in this manner so put a stop to it as soon as you can
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2014): Hi, Thank you so much once again:) I tend to think about all the things we have been through together, and when I think about the happy times we had together, I feel happy. When he tells me how he loves me and wants to hug me (even though he is not with me physically ), when he tells me sweet stuffs like that, I tend to forget all the unhappiness. Because of these, sometimes I really dislike how easily I forget all the mean things he does to me. I forgive him all the time. I feel happy when we spend time together and when we talk about stupid stuffs. But of course, when he does insensitive things again, I get disappointed and upset. I'm not saying he's a bad boyfriend all the time, when he's nice, he's really nice. It's just that with his actions, and how my friends tell me that he's not treating me right, and reading about how other guys will treat their girlfriends, I can't help But wonder why the difference is so great. Sure, I mean different people have different ways of treating their girlfriends... I don't know if this is fearing to break up, But I really can't imagine life without him. I certainly can continue living a normal life without him But I like it better with him. And I feel really sad when I think of breaking up.... although he makes me sad and disappointed But whenever I think about the happy times, when he's sweet, I forget about all these bad things.... From the helpless person. Thank you so much!
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (22 March 2014):
Dear OP,
Thanks for your update.
LOVE is not just some sentimental feeling that has you stick together. Love is actions and it's way more than words. If he says he loves you, but is too lazy to make any effort to keep you - that's not love in my opinion.
It's your choice if you let this lazy guy go ahead and treat you the way he does. He won't change, I guarantee it. But I'm asking myself if you're really held back by your heart.. or by your fears. Because I still haven't figured out what you are getting out of this relationship, other than pain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2014): Thank you guys so much. It's true that he doesn't want me to be around in school Cause he values time with his friends. That is fine. It's just that he's not so nice with words to me. And It's true that I feel disappointed with him time and time again. But at the end of the day, I realised I still love him. Which is why I never broke up. I initiated a break up the other time, I said I didn't feel loved with his actions and he told me that if we break, That's it. He's not going to chase me back or anything because he's lazy. And he said he didn't want to break. He still love me. So we didn't break at the end. I admit that at that point in time when I said I wanted to break, my heart doesn't want to. And I was slightly disturbed by his words about not chasing me back because he was lazy.
My guy friend told me that if he was my boyfriend in that situation, he'll just hug me and kiss me, to stop me from saying those things about breaking up.... Maybe It's really true that he doesn't love me anymore..
Regardless of which, Thank you all for taking the time to read my long post and for the answers!: ).
From the really helpless person
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (21 March 2014):
Dear OP,
How do you know your boyfriend loves you? By looking at his actions, because they speak louder than words. Is he making you feel good, trying to make you happy? Is he acting respectful and looking out for you?
From what you're telling us, he doesn't.
My conclusion is: He doesn't love you. He's just too lazy to break up. So he uses you as a toy for his aggressions and gets mad at you for no reason, when he should just have the balls to say it's over. Because, it already IS over: If one of the partners stops investing their feelings and effort into a relationship, there IS no real relationship, just some bad habits of sticking together and some resentment that you drag along.
You're not asking too much. You were not asking enough.
EXPECT that your partner cares about you and considers your feelings and please get upset if he doesn't. EXPECT a little gratefulness for your gifts, EXPECT your partner to make efforts to get along with the other important people in your life. Because these are the things that people do when they love you.
My advice: Please, listen to your friends, they know you. They see that you're treated badly. Break up and have a good time with the people who care about you!
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