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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend says he loves, me but rarely shows affection or sex. We're 22, been together 4 years. It's hurting me. When I talk to him he just says he's not affectionate. I don't want to end it but I'm unhappy, but will also be unhappy without him. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2006): What's been previously said is all valid, but you must consider the fact that some people were, unfortunatly, not raised in an affectionate environment therefore they learned to live without it and either believe other people feel the same or they just don't know how to show it. If your partner isn't showing affection towards you and it's upsetting you then you need to tell them what you want, subtly reassure them that you wont run away or bite back if they hold your hand and make sure they fele relaxed with you. If they're relaxed then they'll b moer comfortable and it should just come naturally as an instinct.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2006): hi,my names jon im a gay lad having had the same troubles as your having my advice is to try and meet in the middle try and discuss whats going on and if this dosnt work then just make a list of the good things you and him have and a list of the things you dont like if theres more bad than good its not even worth thinking about sorting out because the more you try the harder it gets believe me.
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A
female
reader, purrfectionist84 +, writes (15 January 2006):
 I've always told myself that it's better to be single than to be in a relationship where I feel unhappy or alone.
If it isn't in his nature to be affectionate, then you can't expect him to change much, although you could ask him to try to meet you halfway, as some of the other responders have suggested.
If he has no regard whatsoever for your need for affection, then you have to ask yourself whether you really want to stay in this relationship, where you will never receive any affection, or whether you'd rather meet other people and find a new boyfriend who is more affectionate.
After four years together, your boyfriend should be concerned with your needs, and this means some self-sacrifice on his part. It is way too selfish for this guy, who says that he loves you, to be denying you affection because "he's just not affectionate," when you've told him that affection is important to you, and that you need to receive affection to be happy in your relationship.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (14 January 2006):
 If your fella truely loved you then surely he should meet you half way at least.He says he is not affectionate,has he always been like this? Maybe when he was growing up his parents never displayed any emotional feelings so therefore he has ended up like that.Either way,you are not happy.Have you sat him down and said that you would like him to be more demonstrative? Every one likes to feel that they are desired and cherished.If your boyfriend doesnt seem that concerned then its best to say that he isnt the man for you.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (14 January 2006):
 If he still doesn't realise, after four years together, that you need him to show affection in order to feel loved, then he's putting his need to be in control of his emotions above your need for his love. That's pretty selfish.
Try one more time. In a quiet moment, and without accusing or arguing, ask him if he's happy with the relationship as it stands, and explain that you've been unhappy for a long while. Tell him that you only want him to meet you halfway. Try to give him examples of what would be enough to make you happy. Then be patient, and remember that you're asking him to do something that doesn't feel natural. It might be a while before he gets "good at" showing affection. The point is, whether or not he realises this is important to you and wants to correct the problem.
If he's not even willing to try to make you happy for something that is this important to you, then you're better off to leave this relationship and try to make one with someone whose level of demonstrativeness is closer to yours. Otherwise, you can expect to feel like this pretty much forever. And that's no good, is it?
Give him a chance to meet you in the middle, first though.
Good luck.
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