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female
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anonymous
writes: I am really confused at the moment. I am married with three children. My husband is a very domesticated person and is caring. However over the last year things have got worse as we have a child with special needs who needs a special school. I am feeling very stressed out. I called help in from social services to help us, I have started going to a counsellor (which my husband was not happy with). I suggested he go to counselling but he says he doesn't need it. He says the only counselling he would go to is sex therapy as he is at the end of his tether with not getting anything.My husband works 5 days a week and has to travel an hour each way for his job. I have suggested to him that he stay with his parents during the week to help him but he says no. I said that I would get a full time job so he could work nearer to home but he said I would moan about it. I have got a part time job at the moment which is 5 days a week.He says I am snappy and irritable all the time and nasty to him. So today I rang the doctor up who said I wasn't depressed but obviously very stressed out and anxious with everything going on.My husband feels he is ok. He doesn't want to go to marriage counselling as he feels that we should be able to sit down and discuss things but all that will happen is that he will tell me what I am doing wrong in the house, that I am not helping (I have told my health visitor that I have stopped helping out because I am fed up with everything).My son's school and health visitor are concerned for me because they think I may be in a controlling relationship. Sometimes I feel I am and sometimes I wonder if I have brought it on.Last night I asked him to remove a spider and as he walked out I said just take it outside and he came back in and said stop being horrible you said that like I had just come off the bottom of your shoe. I said I am sorry I didn't realise I was like that. He said your always nasty to me at the moment. I said well you are not nice to me either and he said well I am like that because you are being like that towards me.I told him today that if he really finds me snappy, moody, irritable and horrible to him to tell the health visitor when he sees her today and he said well what is the point she is not a counsellor and I said 'no but it will show that you have concerns for me'.I reallly don't whether it is me or whether it is him. If anyone else has been in a similar situation, please let me know.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 Hello there,
It sounds as if you are both close to breaking point with all the pressures on your family. Sometimes we feel we are on a treadmill, going through the motions and slowly sinking into the mud as more and more pressure is put upon us. Coping with 3 kids and a job is hard enough but when one has special needs, it is all added stress to cope with. It's easy to lose sight of our loving relationships and connections when it all gets too much!!
Men are more sensitive that we give them credit for. It is through the act of making love that they feel loved. They are also problem solvers, who, if they are blocked from solving, feel frustrated and get 'snappy' Women often mis-interpret the snappiness as them not caring or being controlling or unkind...and women, being women...we snap right back.
You are keen to explore the marriage guidance route and this is fine. Women find comfort from sharing ideas and talking about things, but it's not always so straight foward for men. Many see it as an intrusion or a disruption or at worst it makes them think they have failed. There are a few select therapist who just deal with men and their problems, so perhaps it would make an 'in road' to encourage your husband to seek help, so he can just talk in private about his feelings. He may then come to his own conclusions and find his own solution.
It also seems that you both need some time together alone. Perhaps a weekend away or even just a night without the kids. Just time where you can be the two people you were before the kids came along. Time to give and recieve love and affection without any interruptions. Could you enlist the help of friends or family to give you some respite?
Its easy for other outside your relationship to surmise that your in a controlling situation, but remember they are not there to see what goes on all the time and they are just reacting to your stressful words when you mention your worries. Is your husband really controlling you? or are you just two people caught under the weight of insurmountable pressure? If some of that pressure were relieved (even temporarily) would it make things seem less oppressive?
The next time you want to shout at him, try to remind yourself that he is just trying to cope with things in the only way he can. If you are less snappy with him, then he will be less snappy with you.
Do whatever it takes to get some 'time out' with him and share some alone time, then perhaps you will find it easier to talk and find ways to tackle the other stresses in your life...after all what other choices do you have?
with love
Aunty Em xxx
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