A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 40 years this year. It was only 10 years ago that I discovered my husbands porn stash, he promised me he would never do it again, I believed him, only the cycle continues, he tries to hide it , I find it, he tells me he does love me.We do not have a sex life, nothing at all,it is obvious that he is a full blown addict in denial.When we talk about it which is rare as he does not want to discuss it, he says he knows it is unfair to me what he does, then continues to do it in secret.The history is on his phone, he must have forgotten to delete it, but is there everyday, when I have left the house to go to work, he is on it, watching anything and everything.I wish I didn't care, but I do, I feel so undesirable and unwanted it hurts.So my question is this, is love more important than a sex life, do I trade one for the other, does he really feel love for me, or just says it to shut me up, and he still gets everything out of this marriage, like me running around after him, doing all the chores, the only thing he does is the gardening and then he expects me to help with that, he is good at laying the law down to me. If he is not happy about something he will scream it form the rooftops, but on the other hand he knows I am not happy about our situation and chooses to ignore me, or reply with a "oh shut up" Many thanks in advance for any advice.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (29 May 2018):
 To a great extent, we can't give you the advice you need. You can not cure him because he has no desire to change. Since we pretty much know what his problems are and what is likely to continue for the rest of his life.
What we need to is step back from his problem that you already have ten years of experience with and concentrate on you. You came here to make a decision. I think that your decision was whether to continue living in the condition you are in. Receiving some affection and comfort, but not really having your emotional needs met. Or to make a change. This is the tricky bit. What would that change be? Perhaps you have an idea. I'm not seeing it clearly. In order for you to decide you need to have an acceptable option to decide for. Some of the options won't be acceptable to you.
Sometimes we want out of an uncomfortable situation so badly that we don't think about where we are going, only that we want to go. I was quite a bit that way. I knew that I wasn't happy in my uncomfortable situation, (low sex drive partner). I just wanted to get away so I didn't have to face it every day. Then I started to think, what will I do after we split up the assets. Due to one thing and another there were no options for post divorce life that appealed to me. Serial dating, Living alone, finding a replacement relationship. None of those interested me. So I stayed in my uncomfortable situation. Doing what I can to soften the edges helps a bit, but the big thing is knowing that I did choose this. This is better than thinking that it is just what I got stuck with.
Your list of options is probably different than mine. Your final choice will not likely match mine. Just to get you started, if you haven't already done this, here are some possible choices.
Non Divorce:
Continue as is.
Rewrite your relationship to be more open. Dating outside of marriage allowed.
In house separation. Share the house, but not the bedroom.
Separation: Live separately, but maintain the marriage.
Strictly scheduled marital sex.
Have an affair, or series of affairs.
Get a friend with benefits.
Divorce options:
A reasonable tine for healing then dating to find a new relationship.
Jump right into a new relationship.
Date serially without committing.
Live single, and enjoy your hobbies and friends and relatives.
Travel and do those things you have put off.
Wrap up: You are pretty sure that there is no hope for your husbands recovery. You are losing attraction to him. You need to decide where this is going, and choose a destination that you want.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,
I am the original OP, and I would like to answer the questions of the Male Reader, Anonymous on the 26th May, he asks when I last had sex with him, well that's an easy one to answer, December 2017, and here we are now going into June. It wasn't satisfactory to me, never is or was, as it feels as if he is just doing it to get his fix, not really there with me, just thinking of himself and of course he can never finish it, choosing instead to finish off with his hand, so yes Dan Savage is complete right saying about the masturbatory death grip.
On the note of him not giving up porn in order to have sex, that is not right, as he would definitely have to stop porn altogether to have a satisfactory sex life, you are also correct in saying some porn addicts still have sex, well my understanding of that is it is porn sex with their partners and not loving sex, there is a world of difference there.
With porn addicts they have to give it up completely to get sober, I mean you wouldn't say to alcoholic that they don't have to give it up completely, but can have a few beers or wine on a Saturday night, we all know that does not work.
I do appreciate all your answers, thank you all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2018): You don't tell us when you last had sex with him, I think that is an important fact.
I think you have to decide which is more important to you, your marriage or happiness.
If you decide that your marriage is more important, then maybe you should give him an ultimatum: try counseling one more time. Perhaps if you found a counselor of his choosing he would be more willing to go?
BTW I might be wrong but I think there are MANY MANY porn addicts who also have sex with their partners. You don't have to get him to give up porn in order to have sex with you. In my opinion it's a different problem. Perhaps as Dan Savage likes to say he has gotten used to his masturbatory death grip.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2018): I want to apologize to the OP and the other aunts and uncles for my multiple posts. They somehow got stuck and suddenly appeared.
Just a short note. I've said more than enough.
You love your husband. It is apparent you've resigned yourself to allow him to continue what he's doing; in spite of what the sex-therapist told you. Just internalizing anger and suppressing your frustration will only shorten your life-span. He has no reason to stop; because he has no consequences to face.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (24 May 2018):
Thanks for the follow up.
I want to remind you of the one constant truth about addicts. Nothing is more important than the next fix. Not love, not money, not marriage, nothing.
Addiction can be beaten, but only when the addict wants to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All, I am the original poster.Firstly I would like to thank you all for taking the time to reply, some of the responses very in depth, making me realise that I have a lot of thinking to do.I will ask him about going to marriage guidance counselling but in the past when I have asked him to go and get help for his porn addiction he has pooed pooed it, saying "nobody can help me, waste of time".He does have ED, whether or not that is because of his age or more likely he caused it himself with training his brain to react to his hand, he said in the past many times that I am too big down there, I didn't know at that time why he was saying that, so I took myself off to the doctors to ask what was the matter with me, after an examination, the answer was nothing was wrong with me, he gave me a complex for nothing, and all the time the answer was him, he was a prisoner to his hand.He has been prescribed Viagra, and has used it, but says he doesn't like how it makes him feel, so he hasn't used it for months and months.He does want to be affectionate sometimes, and will come and give me a hug, when he feels like it, he always comes and kisses me on the cheek before he goes to work and gets my lunch ready for me coming in from work everyday.I do feel bitter and resentful over him preferring porn to me, I hate it in fact with a vengeance, he has made me feel this way over porn as previously I didn't really care one way or the other. Now I know at first hand the damage it causes that seeps into every orifice of our marriage, I cannot tolerate it.A few years ago we did go and see a sex counsellor, because he had been caught out doing something he wasn't supposed to, I had packed my suitcase to leave him, so with gritted teeth he agreed to go. She said that he was a sex addict and needed a lot of help, one to one therapy, of course it was the one and only time he went, he just carried on as normal as if nothing had happened. I spoke to the counsellor afterwards in confidence and she said that she can definitely say that he won't change until he hits rock bottom and that would only be when I choose to leave him.So here I am all these years later still facing the same problem with him.I have taken on board the comments about how we age and our bodies change, of course they do, I am the same weight as when we married, I look after myself and am considered to be attractive as others tell me so, we do not have any children as we lost our only son when he was a baby.Maybe that is the problem as he seems to have taken on the baby role, he has become a manbaby.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2018): Well, it looks like they've fixed my problem! Thanks to the moderator, and the marvelous and most illustrious Honeypie!
Now regarding which is more important, sex or love?
In marriage, both will and should go hand in hand. It is ideal that during courtship, and long before vows; couples establish and have an understanding of what to look forward to once locked in matrimony. You both should know well how to please the other; and ought to have much in-common, before agreeing to forsake all others!
You can't bait and switch in a marriage. You make vows before witnesses, sign legal-papers; and make promises before God that should be honored. You go-in knowing and expecting that both of you are in it for the long-haul. That means you're under the understanding that you'll age and change in appearance. You'll become frail, and you won't be forever young. So your marriage will have to adapt and evolve with time. It must endure stress, changes, and challenges.
We age. Therefore we are changed by time. Our health, our appearance, and how we think. Priorities change, as well as our ability to perform certain things life requires of us. Like working, playing, keeping up with our kids, doing chores; and physically and emotionally pleasing our partners.
However; time passes. We get older and everyone becomes limited and challenged. Sometimes what was good in the beginning; and what may have been in major-supply in your marriage, has now become a deficit.
If there is enough sex-drive to please yourself, why not your partner? That's the $64 million dollar question. Only the answer can be quite ugly and hurtful.
You've seen evidence that your husband is watching porn videos on his phone. He won't be honest with you about it; at the same time he denies you affection, respect, and sex. That's an indication he has another preference. He'd rather pleasure himself. You have other functions in his life. Supplying sex is apparently no longer one of them.
He never served you notice! You've been retired as his lover!
I would venture to speculate that he may be hiding the fact that he experiences erectile-dysfunction. Ask him!
Maybe he doesn't want you to know that he can't maintain a full-erection long enough for penetration. I would also speculate that he no longer has the vigor and sex-drive it takes for full-on sex. So rather than admit it, he'd just leave you blaming yourself; while he enjoys masturbation as an alternative means of sexual-release. Please don't internalize this issue; or blame it on yourself. It's not you. It's him!
Hurtful as it is; some old-schoolers/old bastards like your husband, don't think women desire or appreciate sex as much as men do. They also lose attraction for their wives; because their bodies are older, and they don't look like the firm surgically-enhanced bodies of porn models, and younger women. Never-mind what he looks like! So he's now focusing all his libido on masturbation; and depriving his wife of not only sex, but any expression of affection.
What's there to love, I want to know? He's an empty vessel.
He lies to you. If he made a full confession and told you the truth. What would come of it? I assume he definitely knows you are aware he watches porn; but he really doesn't care. Mainly because there isn't anything you can do about it; but nag, complain, or get upset with him. All around, he is totally dishonest and inconsiderate. He's mean!
Again, I question what it is that you love so much about him? The version of him you knew years and years ago? It doesn't seem he does anything to demonstrate his feelings for you; or justify your devotion and loyalty. You're there to cook, clean, and take care of him. You're now his mother.
If you're giving up sex, what's he giving up?
When you have a stubborn, selfish, obstinate spouse; one remedy is taking him or her to marriage-counseling. If s/he refuses; you hand-down the ultimatum of divorce, and mean it. He's either addicted to porn, has loss all attraction for you, or both. So what's left in the marriage for you?
Marriage-counseling may not salvage the marriage; but it will provide you with a mediator and a referee to allow you to effectively-communication with your husband.
You can vent your true-feelings; and he will be urged to tell you what's going on in his world. I say his world; because he's no longer in yours. You might have a breakthrough; and maybe he will come clean on a few issues. Thereby, you'll determine if your marriage is in-fact salvageable. Otherwise; whether he has only been holding on for the sake of avoiding the expense of divorce, the division of assets; and the loss of a good woman who loves him unconditionally. She's still physically and emotionally attracted to him; as a man, and as her husband.
If all efforts fail, you will receive deserved closure. This will give you complete justification; and enough truth to make a decision on what to do with him.
If he doesn't love you enough to compromise, to work to any length to salvage his marriage, and he will not get help if he has a porn-addiction? Then you may as well get yourself a good divorce attorney; and move-on to the next chapter of your life.
You may find yourself someone better; or enjoy the rest of your life doing all the things "his uselessness" got in the way of.
You deserve more than a roommate. He's your husband. You should be able to talk to him, compromise when you can't agree, and work things out together. He's just stealing what life and spirit you do have left. The odds are in your favor you'll live longer; so now is the time to decide if love is worth the absence of sex and affection; or not receiving any demonstrative-proof that your man is still in-love with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2018): You might want to have an in-depth discuss with your husband regarding sex and ask him how important it is to him.
I suspect that he may be using porn and self-gratification to either hide erectile-dysfunction; or maybe he is no longer capable of full-on intercourse because of other health reasons that he's too proud to admit.
Your description of your husband sounds like selfishness, and the old-school type of fellow who doesn't believe sex should be as important to women as it is to men. Some old-guys decide they aren't attracted to their partner now that she has aged and her body has changed. He may love you as much as he ever has, but he loves his porn more.
If talking to your husband about sex is difficult or impossible; you can offer him an ultimatum. Attend marriage-counseling sessions where maybe you can communicate with the help of a mediator and referee. You are being emotionally crushed by his possible porn-addiction, and it is damaging your self-esteem.
Maybe it is time to put love to the test.
You know you still love him; and you're still sexually-attracted to your husband. Now it is time to pursue the truth. Be prepared for the answers; and ready to make a decision on what you plan to do about him, once you hear the truth.
Does he reciprocate your feelings and emotions? If not, how important are you to him? If he doesn't express it through any means of affection or sex, how are you to know? Why should you remain married to him? Once you know the answers; then you will know which is more important for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2018): Love lasts longer than your ability to have sex. Men may become impotent with age, and women my experience loss of sex-drive or experience vaginal-dryness that may make penetrative-sex difficult and painful. So you've got to continue loving each other. Provided that you always have, and always will!
I think you need both in order for a marriage to be complete. I there is something that prohibits sex in a marriage that can be corrected; you must compromise, seek professional-treatment for physiological or psychological medical-issues that can be corrected with medication or therapy. You must be honest and have an open-line of communication in order to address issues that kill your sex-life.
If you have an obstinate, stubborn, or selfish lover; who will not discuss problems, or cooperate in working to correct issues that cause problems or dysfunction in your marriage, you consider divorce as your last and final resort. With some people, you can't have love without sex.
Love is proven by demonstration. People who love you, will go the whole nine-yards, even to hell and back; to make a marriage complete. Unless there is absolutely no-way to resolve the problem; then you must decide whether you can return the love and happiness they expect from you.
If they are unable to offer you everything you consider complete and worthy of your love. You terminate the marriage on the grounds and differences you deem the marriage irreconcilable; or for broken vows and infidelity.
You can't say one is more important than the other; but you can consider which is likely to survive the test of time.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 May 2018):
 Why not ask your husband how he would feel if you were to go and find sex elsewhere. He's not bothered about your needs because he doesn't think you will find someone else to replace him in that area. He thinks you will just complain occasionally but put up with his treatment of you.
You could be together another 10, 20 or more years. Is this how you want to spend that time? If you are content to put up with this, then fair enough. If you are not, you need to make plans for a future without him. If you are going to give him an ultimatum however, you must mean it. Empty threats are pointless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2018): If I have to go by what's indicated in your post, I can't determine who loves whom? I can't tell if you love him, or if he loves you? Your marriage is sexless. He seems mean!
He shows you no affection by all indications; and I'm left trying to figure-out what it is you still love about him?
You didn't mention that he's affectionate to you; or if he shows you any sort of kindness. So how do you determine that he loves you? You're his wife. Not his loyal pet dog; who runs, fetches, sits, and lies at his feet.
You know he lies about watching porn videos. You've snooped; so you know for certain that he's lying about it. By all indications; you've described a man who doesn't seem to show any evidence he wants to be married. Marriage requires love, maintenance, and daily-upkeep. Not just your presence.
If he's addicted to porn, it seems that's his preference to actual sex.
He may be hiding his erectile dysfunction. Intercourse requires a full and maintained erection. It requires sustained vigor and consideration of a partner. Masturbation doesn't. So rather than admit he can't keep it up, he just satisfies himself. Maybe he's too proud to admit he might not be able to get-it-up anymore. He probably doesn't have the stamina for full-on sex; when porn demands very little from him. We can safely conclude he's selfish.
It's a hurtful reality; but some men are no longer physically-attracted to their partners as they both age.
How does anyone admit that? How can you avoid it?
Love overcomes many obstacles, some it can't. You have to deal with the reality of a given situation, and make a choice.
How does comparing love and sex resolve your problem? It appears neither applies in his case.
I strongly suggest that you take your husband to a marriage counselor. You don't seem to know how to effectively-communicate. I presume he's very old-school in his chauvinistic-thinking. He probably comes from that old-time school of thought that a wife is just someone you marry to keep house and cook. Sex is served on demand. You have her incubate and push-out a few of your offspring; and once you stretch her body all out of shape, you put her out to pasture. Be that the case, you should takeout a life insurance policy; and wait and see who dies first. The odds are more in your favor that you'll live longer. So make sure you stay current on your insurance premiums! I'm being facetious...maybe? Maybe not!
Marriage-counseling is good for one thing, if nothing else. Opening dialogue between two married-people; so each can vent their feelings and frustrations. Exposing the naked truth; so decisions can be made based on more than conjecture, or wild guesses.
Men sometimes shut-down emotionally and hide out feelings; thereby forcing their women to suppress or bottle-up all their feelings. Their pain and frustrations expressed through tears and nagging. That is because there's no one interested in listening to what she has to say, or how she feels. There is no two-way discussion on how to improve the relationship, or to workout problems.
With marriage-counseling, at least you can get some things off your chest; while you decide what to do with him.
Sometimes, you'll make a breakthrough and you might reconnect. You have to do everything you can to salvage your marriage. Before you finally conclude there is no chance of reconciliation or compromise; and divorce is the only solution. You should at least know the truth; which brings closure. Truth justifys whatever decisions you make.
If he refuses any sort of counseling. There you have it! He doesn't care about you or your feelings; and he is satisfied with things just as they are.
Love has to be expressed through affection. Affection comes in many forms. He's shutoff and he's calloused to your feelings. Love would move him to compromise to do whatever it takes to please you. He would want you to be happy, and to feel loved. He would appreciate your devotion, and reciprocate everything you give him.
I seriously believe you should try to get him into marriage-counseling.
If he refuses; then offer him the ultimatum of a divorce. What kind of marriage do you have with absolutely no affection between you? When all you get is bullied, his sourness, and being ignored? Seems he'd try to make some sort of amends for his lying. He knows you know about the porn. He doesn't care. He simply lies to your face, just because he can. What's the consequences? Nagging, crying, arguments???
Love goes two-ways; and you have to demonstrate love through many types of actions and emotions. Just living together doesn't prove love. If you can't feel it, you don't have it.
I hope this doesn't come through in duplication. I had to hit send twice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2018): If I have to go by what's indicated in your post, I can't determine who loves whom? I can't tell if you love him, or if he loves you? Your marriage is sexless. He seems mean!
He shows you no affection by all indications; and I'm left trying to figure-out what it is you still love about him?
You didn't mention that he's affectionate to you; or if he shows you any sort of kindness. So how do you determine that he loves you? You're his wife. Not his loyal pet dog; who runs, fetches, sits, and lies at his feet.
You know he lies about watching porn videos. You've snooped; so you know for certain that he's lying about it. By all indications; you've described a man who doesn't seem to show any evidence he wants to be married. Marriage requires love, maintenance, and daily-upkeep. Not just your presence.
If he's addicted to porn, it seems that's his preference to actual sex.
He may be hiding his erectile dysfunction. Intercourse requires a full and maintained erection. It requires sustained vigor and consideration of a partner. Masturbation doesn't. So rather than admit he can't keep it up, he just satisfies himself. Maybe he's too proud to admit he might not be able to get-it-up anymore. He probably doesn't have the stamina for full-on sex; when porn demands very little from him. We can safely conclude he's selfish.
It's a hurtful reality; but some men are no longer physically-attracted to their partners as they both age.
How does anyone admit that? How can you avoid it?
Love overcomes many obstacles, some it can't. You have to deal with the reality of a given situation, and make a choice.
How does comparing love and sex resolve your problem? It appears neither applies in his case.
I strongly suggest that you take your husband to a marriage counselor. You don't seem to know how to effectively-communicate. I presume he's very old-school in his chauvinistic-thinking. He probably comes from that old-time school of thought that a wife is just someone you marry to keep house and cook. Sex is served on demand. You have her incubate and push-out a few of your offspring; and once you stretch her body all out of shape, you put her out to pasture. Be that the case, you should takeout a life insurance policy; and wait and see who dies first. The odds are more in your favor that you'll live longer. So make sure you stay current on your insurance premiums! I'm being facetious...maybe? Maybe not!
Marriage-counseling is good for one thing, if nothing else. Opening dialogue between two married-people; so each can vent their feelings and frustrations. Exposing the naked truth; so decisions can be made based on more than conjecture, or wild guesses.
Men sometimes shut-down emotionally and hide out feelings; thereby forcing their women to suppress or bottle-up all their feelings. Their pain and frustrations expressed through tears and nagging. That is because there's no one interested in listening to what she has to say, or how she feels. There is no two-way discussion on how to improve the relationship, or to workout problems.
With marriage-counseling, at least you can get some things off your chest; while you decide what to do with him.
Sometimes, you'll make a breakthrough and you might reconnect. You have to do everything you can to salvage your marriage. Before you finally conclude there is no chance of reconciliation or compromise; and divorce is the only solution. You should at least know the truth; which brings closure. Truth justifys whatever decisions you make.
If he refuses any sort of counseling. There you have it! He doesn't care about you or your feelings; and he is satisfied with things just as they are.
Love has to be expressed through affection. Affection comes in many forms. He's shutoff and he's calloused to your feelings. Love would move him to compromise to do whatever it takes to please you. He would want you to be happy, and to feel loved. He would appreciate your devotion, and reciprocate everything you give him.
I seriously believe you should try to get him into marriage-counseling.
If he refuses; then offer him the ultimatum of a divorce. What kind of marriage do you have with absolutely no affection between you? When all you get is bullied, his sourness, and being ignored? Seems he'd try to make some sort of amends for his lying. He knows you know about the porn. He doesn't care. He simply lies to your face, just because he can. What's the consequences? Nagging, crying, arguments???
Love goes two-ways; and you have to demonstrate love through many types of actions and emotions. Just living together doesn't prove love. If you can't feel it, you don't have it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 May 2018):
I'm going against the grain on this one.
You have a lot of relationships that include love. Family, Friends, pets all have shared love links. There is usually only one relationship that has love and sex. That is marriage. Without the sex the relationship is more like Friends, family , and pets. Yes love is important, maybe even more important. But the choice for you isn't whether you can have love or sex, the choice is whether you can have love without sex or love with sex. You want love with sex.
You will have no trouble finding people who will point you to information on the problems with pornography. Even those on the other side of the fence will tell you that when the porn has replaced a willing loving partner that it is not acceptable.
Wrap up: I personally see no betrayal in saying, "Spouse, I know you say you love me, but you have continuously ignored my emotional need for regular sex. Without that fulfillment it is unreasonable for you to expect me to stay in this relationship, no matter how much both of us love. Love is important, but I need more."
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (23 May 2018):
 I would always chose love over sex. Its not that difficult to get sex if you really want it, but being loved is something precious and special, something to be cherished.
It all depends on who you are, what you have experienced in life and where you are in life, some people would chose sex.
I have in the distant past been in a relationship where I loved a man and he didn't love me the way I knew he should. The sex was wonderful but I was always left with an empty feeling inside after because I knew without a doubt that he didn't love me. It hurt and the sex truly didn't mean anything. I was very young and had the impression that if I loved him enough and offered myself eventually he would grow to love me. Yep, you guessed it, didn't ever happen.
With all of that being said though, it is very difficult to be in a relationship where you still want sex and it never happens. I have lived that life and its very hurtful and frustrating. My ex husband was an alcoholic and we went almost 3 years not touching each other. At first it really hurt me but then I just became so disgusted by him that I didn't want him anywhere near me.
You still love your husband so of course it hurts you and you wish to be close to him in every way, as it should be in a marriage.
I guess you need to get to the bottom of things with him if you want to stay married. WHY is he using porn? Does he have medical problems? WHY won't he talk to you? Is he ashamed? Embarrassed? Him not wanting sex is hurting both of you he needs to tell you what is going on.
Hugs to you sweetie. I'm your age and although I didnt stay married as long as you I know how hurtful it is when your spouse doesn't want to be with you for WHATEVER reason. I hope you can talk to him, or get him to talk to someone. It very sad when you are married and feel unloved and not needed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2018): To me, love is more important than sex. Love endures and overcomes. Sex is an important part of any romantic relationship but it is not more important than love.Do you love your husband? Sounds like there is a lot of resentment in your post. Does your husband love you? Sounds like a lack of basic respect on his part for you. I don't believe true love can exist without respect for each other. You have no sex life so what trade are you talking of? Your husband is taking you for granted and that is not love. I don't really see the choice you are asking the question about...there is no love and no sex here. No trade is possible, no choice between these two options.40 years is a long time and I think you've both settled for not rocking the boat. Be honest with yourself about what you need and want from this marriage.
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