A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have no sexual chemistry. None at all. Every time I bring up anything sexual it’s, ‘we don’t have the time’ or she acts like it’s vulgar and what I’m saying is disgusting - we went to New York recently on our first holiday together to a really classically romantic hotel and had zero sexual chemistry the whole time, my sexual advances were turned down and beforehand she had told me to bring things we use for sex with a lot of emphasis. A friend from Uni is having a night for his birthday and I booked myself a hotel to stay in for the night. My girlfriend is now coming and obviously I’m really looking forward to that, but after we’ve talked about not having sex and her apologising for New York saying she’s feeling really bad and doesn’t know why she acted that way, she’s invited her sister to stay in our room with us (she didn’t even ask me). I’m really confused. This girl used to be so into sex, and constantly talks about how we know we’ll be getting married in the future and that we’re moving in together very soon. She seems to assume that there isn’t a problem, even though we’ve been over how important it is to me and our relationship. What do I do?Please no stupid answers about the sister being in the room. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): It's likely your girlfriend is only using you. If you spend a lot of money and lavish her with gifts and fancy dates; her only reason for being with you is for what you can provide.
She doesn't care about you. I think you already know it; but you're too busy trying to make your relationship meaningful.
She invited her sister without consent; because it's a free trip and a free night. You're being her sugar-daddy and free-ride. She's too young not to want sex; and finding you vulgar when you want her to be a girlfriend means you ought to let her go. There is no chemistry; therefore, there is no relationship. Period!
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (23 September 2017):
She once had a good sexual appetite but that is gone. Why? That's the fundamental question here. You've let her know that sex is important to you, now it is time for her to open up and let you know why she is no longer responding. Let her know that there will be no marriage without sex, although that is problematic as she will likely give you sex only as a path to marriage, then cut you off shortly after the ceremony.
I'm concerned that she has chosen to just stick her head in the sand on this very important matter. And this deal about having her sister stay in your hotel room with you, uninvited: That's a sure way for her to refuse sex.
I think Code Warrior is right about her initially luring you in with sex and then cutting you off once she felt you locked in.
There is very, very little chance that if she resumes having sex with you that it will last very long. She's thrown out a red flag the size of Lake Superior. You are both squandering your time in this relationship and it is time to move on. Certainly don't move in together!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): I think there is something seriously wrong with your relationship which does need dealt with. In my experience, it's likely to be one of three things:1. She's lost her sex drive and doesn't know why. This happened to me when I went on the pill, and the thought of sex with my bf (or anyone) made me want to physically throw up. Like I'd rather walk over hot coals than do it (please remember we are letting someone INTO our body when we have sex so it's a big deal to do so when we don't want to). I obviously couldn't tell him that so I kept quiet and hoped it'd sort itself out. It was only when I spoke to my doctor that I realised what was going on and I came off the pill. Sex drive returned within a month. Of course now my bf whines daily about having to use condoms but I'd say that's better than no sex wouldn't you?!2. She's not sure of her feelings any more. Whether it's resentment over a past argument or simply a slow disconnect, she's not sure how she feels about you any more. That will kill sex drive stone dead. This is usually made worse when the woman thinks the relationship is hanging by a thread and the only thing the man notices/cares about is the lack of sex. 3. Sex has never been great. Did you know sex is often crap for women? Like really bad? The first few months when the person is new and interesting, it's less of a problem. We like him and we think it'll get better in time. But later, if there's still no improvement, it starts to bother us. We feel like a sex toy that he uses to get off while we're left feeling frustrated and dissatisfied. Yet can you guess the number of men I've had terrible sex with who have at some point bragged about the great sex we've had? All of them! Every single one. But trying to tell a man he's not up to scratch in the bedroom? In my experience most men would rather be punched downstairs than hear that!Now, before I get attacked by all the men here, I'm not for one minute saying that these things are only your fault OP. Your gf has to take responsibility too and be honest if she wants this to work. But I hope the point I've made is that the female sex drive is more complex than the male one and despite what men think, I know of no situations where the woman has just decided she doesn't care about the man's needs any more. There is usually a lot of complex emotional stuff going on behind the scenes to cause it, stuff that she may be embarrassed or nervous to admit out loud for fear of being judged or hurting her partner.I'd say that is definitely the case with your gf as there is clearly a communication problem in your relationship. Inviting her sister to stay? Yup, theres definitely something going on here that she isn't willing/able to discuss. But she's obviously feeling the pressure from you OP, as inviting her sister to stay is a way for her to get out of sex without actually saying no again. As atrange as it sounds, I'd say that's a good sign because she obviously knows and cares that you are disappointed about this situation. If she didnt she'd just shoot you down without a second thought.So my advice is to talk. At a neutral time and place and actually listen. Don't go straight to the 'but sex is important' or 'what about my needs' stuff. That's not to say your needs aren't important. But you need to get to the bottom of the reason/cause before you can look for a fix. Try to hear what she's saying about why she's gone off sex. Be warned, she might not know herself, but you can at least eliminate some other options. And encourage her to seek help if she needs it. If she's on the pill, suggest she comes off it and rely on you to use condoms. Ask her if she's not enjoying sex without letting your ego get in the way. Ask her how she feels about the state of your whole relationship, not just the sex. Is there a problem? Then you might start to get somewhere. Finally, you say there is no sexual chemistry between you. I took that to mean it has gone, not that there wasn't ever any. If the latter is the case however, I'm not sure how much you can change that...
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 September 2017):
 Men need sex to feel loved but most women need to feel loved to want sex. If there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship, a woman's sexual desire will go down the drain and not resurface until whatever is causing her an issue is sorted.
Have you asked her what you could change to make her want sex more? Is she tired? Is she working too much or too hard? Do you take her for granted? Are you abusive to her in any way? This does not need to be physical; emotional and verbal abuse can leave scars which may never heal. Do you listen to her when she talks to you? I mean REALLY listen? Most men listen to give advice but most women want someone to just listen and give them support to sort things out for themselves. Are you a considerate lover? The novelty of what may have been acceptable earlier in the relationship (e.g. rampant jack-rabbit sex or porn sex) may wear off with time. How do you try to initiate sex? Poking her with your stiffie or wiggling your eyebrows and asking "how about it?" may be a turn on for you but I guarantee it is not for most women. Do you give her massages to get her in the mood? Do you give her foreplay? You need to ASK her and LISTEN to what she needs to change the situation.
If you try to talk to her and she won't/can't tell you what she needs, or if you try to do what she asks for and things still don't change, then you really need to think about drawing a line under the relationship and moving on. You are too young to spend your life in a sexless relationship.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 September 2017):
 What do you do? You stop being her girlfriend. You cancel all future plans. If she wants to come to your friends event with her sister, she needs to book her own room. You will not sleep in the same room with her slumber party, you came for your friends party. Look up No More Mr. Nice Guy, and The Married Mans Sex Life Primer.
Do not combine finances or move in together before this is solved.
Do not do anything that could remotely result in her pregnancy! This is very important.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 September 2017):
 What do you do? Well you talk to her. Maybe you are both not sexually compatible. You do need to speak about it and see what is wrong with her, off course intimacy is important in a relationship and if their is no chemistry maybe you are both not meant to be together.
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