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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: It's a bit long winded, but please bear with me, am in serious need of advice.I've known the guy I like (maybe love) for about thirteen years. He's always been nice but the past year (since we both started college) we've got much closer and I realised I was crushing on him quite badly. I told my friend who went and told him.He then wrote me a love letter and has since brought me two really expensive necklaces for a christmas present. Now the downside is that he isn't allowed to have a girlfriend, his dad is really religious, or something. His parents are very controlling, so no hint of us liking each other can make it onto facebook. I know this means we have to be careful, but I don't know how careful I'm meant to be. Texting seems safe, but he's very old fashioned and doesn't use his phone much. If he's so worried about his parents finding out though how did he buy my gifts? They must have cost about £200, he has no job and his family aren't rich so they would definately notice that much money going missing.On a slightly separate note my two and I were shopping for something for me to buy him. They kept teasing me about the fact he doesn't have any fashion sense and I brought a nice shirt. The shirt isn't the kind of thing he wears and I'm worried about trying to change him. I mean I'm not consciously trying to, he makes me happy (most of the time). Also while shopping I realised I know next to nothing about him, so how can I be considering the fact I might actually love him back?I'm SO confused right now, should I back off now before he has to try and confront his parents? I really don't want to cause problems in his life and I don't see how we can last if his parents are so against it. We barely have time to talk properly which is why I'm not confronting him directly. The rare occasions I'm with him I feel just totally safe, then as soon as his company wears off I start to stress again. My friend's, on the most part, know most of the story, which I'm now unsure about. I don't think I should have told them anything when I have no clue where my guy and I stand with each other. I guess the sum up is how can I find out exactly where we're going when we don't talk? And how can I even consider love when we've only been aware of liking each other for two weeks?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, thanks for the help so far. I just want to state we are taking it incredibly slow, we hug but thats about it and only in private because his parents still can't know.
It sounds like I'm contradicting the whole going slow now because he's coming round tomorrow. We're going to be home alone for about five hours and I'm starting to freak out. We had a group meal (ten people including us) last night and we barely talked, what can we do for five hours? I always have asking for help with homework as a last resort but I already feel stupid and awkward around him and I
don't want him thinking I only want his brains.
The necklace mystery hasn't been solved, should I bring that up tomorrow or wait for another time to ask. I do trust him but he's already lying to his parents about going to a friends house (rather than mine) and I don't want him telling any more unnecessary lies because of me. I already feel guilty that he's breaking there trust over me. Not that I understand them stressing, his theory is that they want him to be just. But we surely aren't doing anything wrong, we talk and hug, close friend's do that!
A
female
reader, sunandstars  +, writes (18 December 2010):
I think you should let your relationship develop further, I have been in a kind of similar situation where I was best friends with this guy but really was confused about whether I liked him or not, and I found time was the best healer for this, I let things continue and my feelings became apparent to me and I've now been with him for over a year, so I think you should do the same thing. I found I matured a lot in the time is was contemplating my feelings and I began to realise what I want from life and in a guy and this influenced my decision greatly, so basically, let time decide, and contemplate all the pros and cons. Hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): You're at an age when your hormones are raging and your body is dictating your thoughts and feelings.
So...step back and realize that, then you can take control and start thinking more rationally.
Then, start to consider the perspective of your parents and his parents. Mentally put yourself in their shoes and try to understand why they have rules and such in place. What are the consequences of adolescents who don't listen and/or jump into adult situations? You may or may not fall into this category, but don't end up a statistic such as a single mother at your age and/or thinking that the world is unfair or working against you.
What if you were a parent? What it you had kids? What would you want for them? Would you be acting in a way that you would want your own child to act? Start thinking like that and you will start answering a lot of your own questions.
Finally, think carefully before engaging in any sexuality. You need to know and understand a lot in order to comprehend what getting involved sexually does to you. Many people go through a string of relationship largely because they have not developed proper relationship skills. Make sure your actions are true and honorable and consider how your actions would be viewed by a potential future relationship. This in itself will give your current relationship a better chance because I'm assuming that you see this boy as the one and only and there will never be another. Once you can start seeing things in this way, you will be on your way to making more informed decisions and not simply responding to stimulus or being a slave to your age and adolescent urges. I see plenty of adolescents, and there are those that exemplify what I just said. They are very self aware. While this in part may relate to cognitive capacity, these are things that can be learned.
And one more thing, get down to the bottom of how he is affording these things that he is 'buying'. That you thought of this tells me something of your character. Discuss this with him. This will start you on your way to understanding part of who this boy is and what his values are. Personally, I would like to see you abstain from any relationships until you are a little older and can better reason and understand yourself before sexual interactions complicate and skew your reasoning process and development.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): take it slow
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