A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm getting rather concerned about where my relationship is going. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. It doesn't feel like its progressing to the next step or anywhere really. I've tried talking to him about it but get the same answer.We dont live together. He doesn't want to move in with me because he doens't like the area i am in and it is too far from work (extra 15 mins!). He doesn't seem to be thinking about marriage. And children seem to be a long way off. He has told me that 'there is always IVF'. I am getting closer to 30 and obviously it is on my mind more (plus, all my friends and work colleagues are getting married or pregnant!) I've tried talking to him about it. We are in the same place, every weekend is the same. There is nothing to look forward to. There are no goals or future goals. All he tells me that it is hard to plan because he doens't know where HE will be for his job and his life. He wants me to give up what i have here (house, job, life) and move interstate with him if he gets another job. Yet he can't even commit to marriage or move in with me now! Obviously, i want this to work, but its becoming hard. Any advice would be great. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 March 2013):
 you are in different places with what you want.
You can't make him want marriage. He does not want it with you sadly.
after 4 years at your age if you are sure you want to marry him and he's still hedging his bets, he's never going to know.... to be honest he doesn't want to marry you.
The easiest way to explain it is to tell you about my husband...
I met him when he was 37 and he told me he did not believe in marriage. He did not ever want to get married. Marriage was stupid according to him. I was really fine with that... within six months of us being together he had changed his mind. WE met 8/2010... we started dating casually 12/2010... by March 2011 we were getting serious. December 2011 he gave up his apartment of ten years, moved 2 hours to be with me, gave up his job, his life as he had known it... October 2012 we got married.
Then there is the case of my very close friends.. first time marriage for both.. she's 40 and he's 52....
my point is... if people say they don't want to get married it's leaving off the part that says "to you"
It hurts to hear this I know and I'm sorry to be so blunt... but you have to consider this and decide what you want to do.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 March 2013):
 "Sounds" to me like the two of you are coasting along ... doing the same routines time after time... sort of like two cars on roads that aren't quite parallel... and may not, ultimately, be going to the same destination....
On the other hand, it's difficult for me (a guy) to understand that relationships are "going" somewhere... and that they progress, step-by-step. That's a womanly concept... and we guys don't examine things so intensely... and we don't "know" that there are "steps" involved.... just so long as we are getting our $-x....
YOU and B/F can only address this "problem" if you communicate with one-another. AND, it's almost certain that YOU will have to trigger that communication.... because, from what you describe, your B/F doesn't believe that there's anything to communicate about....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 March 2013):
 Sounds a lot like my last long term relationship. We were together for about 3 years. It was really like we were treading water. Well, the treading was more on my end, as it seems to be with your BF.
In my case I didn't progress things past where they were because I realized I wasn't really in love with her. Sure, I loved her, and cared about her, and there were lots of positives I could point to, but ultimately if I was really in love with her, I probably would have been picturing a family and a future. I pictured none of that with her even though it is something that I do want for myself.
To me, his excuses are just that, excuses. They aren't real reasons for not progressing the relationship. They are something convenient to point to.
Time to decide what you really want. It's a really tough questions. I doubt your BF could answer it, that's why he's treading water. If you don't see your plans matching with each other, it may be time for a tough decision.
Tread water or swim?
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