A
female
age
41-50,
*esito
writes:I've been actively dating for the past year. Overall, I've been extremely disappointed by the experiences I've been having. I've found many to be extremely selfish, immature, and have no respect for women. I've found that some men treat women like objects to keep around until the newer and more upgraded version of us comes along. Men who have maintained constant contact, for weeks to months at a time and feel its completely fine to just disappear without an explanation, then feel that's okay to come back into your life months later with a very anonymous text to get your attention but not fully come out and say "I want to talk to you". Some men seem only interested in getting you into bed, or they can't hold a decent conversation nor do they value decent conversation. Some can't distinguish between a quality woman and a one night stand, nor care that she may be quality because there are other women in their sights who they feel that they must have. And there are some men who pursue one, as if they want a relationship and when it starts to feel like a real relationship, they leave. Are there some good, quality, intellectually developed men who actually want to spend time and get to know someone?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): Questions to address:
First, what defines what a good man is?
Do I need a list of qualifications?
Can I rebuild one of them?
How do I find this elusive hunk in such a thinly populated field?
Will he know he is the one when I think I’ve found him?
Is there someone out there for me?
Ø First, what defines what a good man is?
There are many ideas floating around as to what constitutes a “good man.” One woman told me that a good man is one that has a valid drivers license, and has at least a part time job; most of the time. There may be some women who agree, but I think we all are still looking for our knight in shining armor, and although a new grill, and some extra bling may be made of gold and silver, the knight in shining armor in this context is metaphorical.
So, what are some of the attributes that constitute a good man? Loving, kind, considerate, affectionate, compassionate, giving, unselfish, not self centered, one who can weigh out both sides of an argument without bias, and did I forget perfect in every way? These may constitute what the perfect man should be made of, but the reality of it is that God only made one perfect man.
Ø Do I need a list of qualifications?
I have learned that giving advice is always a gamble. When everything goes according to plan I am an angel in disguise, and when things go sour I am to blame. Nevertheless, there is never a lack of those who think my advice is what they need. Over the years I have come up with a plan that has been instrumental in hedging my bets.
The one personality trait that raises its head early in a relationship slash burgeoning friendship is infatuation. Infatuation kindles and begins to burn without reason. Let me put it in a simpler non-metaphorical tense. If you become infatuated early on in a relationship you will become blind to reason.
Hence the creation of “the list.” The list is a very important tool that can help detour many opportunities to choose unwisely. The symbolic nature of this list is just as important as what is on it. Consider the commitment it takes to keep a relationship going, and if it is a bad relationship, how much time could have been saved by not having it in the first place. Well, that is what the list will help you avoid.
The following instructions must be followed exactly as stated in order for the list to have any chance of success. First it is necessary to write with your own hand on a piece or sheet of paper in order of importance the characteristics you feel you must have present in your choice of a “good man.” Usually I recommend a list of no less than ten features. Keep in mind it does not undermine your chances if you have more than ten. I just feel that ten is a good number to start with.
The list my husband and I made up for our daughters may have been somewhat restricting, but we feel that until they were old enough to realize what they would want on a list we would put forth our suggestions. Here is the top four on our list.
1.) He must be a Christian.
2.) His original parents must not be divorced. (Death of either or both is acceptable)
3.) Both of his parents must be Christians.
4.) He must be college educated.
Evaluating a man with ten items of interest will eliminate most of your challengers by default. Second. You need to place this list in a location that can be seen. Some have suggested that taping it to the makeup mirror is the best, and other prefer to keep in on top of their underwear drawer. Regardless of where it is just make sure it is somewhere that cannot be ignored by you. It is not for public use either. Now, after the list is made, and posted, it is mandatory that each potential man you meet be evaluated by the “list.”
Do not expect the list to shorten the time it takes to find a “good man.” The list will just keep you from slipping on the ladder on your way up to finding him. Patience is not a virtue aging women want to hear, but it is better to wait for the “good man” rather than accept a short listed substitute.
Ø Can I rebuild one of them?
No! If it were possible, surely all women would not only be happy, but living the life meant for them. But, maybe there is hope to be found. Men need to see things in a special way to make a change. Pointing these needed improvements out will do nothing more than cause his boyish stubbornness to flare up. If it were possible to change a man, one would have to go at it in a clandestine way.
My husband told me long ago that a wise woman would always get what she wants if she always makes the man think it was his idea. Even though the man can see what is going on, he will go along with the idea because his manly deity has not been challenged. Remember he is always going to try to satisfy the mother image in his life.
Overall, if you already have a man, and he needs rebuilt, do not expect to do it overnight. Also, do not begin comparing him to other men that have attributes that you desire. In order to rebuild him you must take the first step by realizing he is not perfect, and that in spite of his idiosyncrasies, you chose to be with him for some reason. When your efforts do not work quick enough, repeat to yourself those redeeming attributes that you saw when you decided to get together with him in the first place. Be patient.
Ø How do I find this elusive hunk in such a thinly populated field?
No one can argue that the field is showing signs of decline, but each shinning knight has to be cultivated. Being prepared for when you do meet him is all that you can do. There are many women that will attest to the time they may have met a “good man” sitting beside them on an airplane, but forgot to get his number because she wasn’t prepared. Others have missed their chance because they felt they were not dressed appropriately, or didn’t have their makeup just right. Yes, maybe those opportunities would not have worked out anyway, but is it worth taking that chance? Be prepared! Remember, "good men" do not grow on trees!
Many of the "good men" are married. So, if you know one of these captured beasts, take note of the attributes he displays that make you think he is a "good man." Add those to your list. Talk to the wife about how she found him. Did she find him in this desirable state, or did she have to do a little fixing up? Did he just realize after a point of time that his wife was not completely happy, and just change on his own, or did his wife pass subtle hints that were not infringing on his masculinity? Do your research!
Ø Will he know he is the one when I think I’ve found him?
Most likely not, but that doesn’t mean all is lost. Men have to be cultivated and led into the arms of commitment. You may be settled on the fact that he is the one, but make sure before you start planning you silver anniversary that he is on board. Men do not use the emotional bonding to make a decision. They use the concrete sequential method. If I want her to stay with me I must commit. If I want to have a family, and have all the children carry my name I must commit. If I want have her love me forever I must commit. If I want to keep this wonderful relationship I must commit. Commit may be a word he is not familiar with, but you must help him realize that if he wants all of you he must learn to act on that word. Keep in mind; man does not understand commit when everything he desires is given to him! Think hard on that.
Ø Is there someone out there for me?
Yes! Hope is on your side providing you do not overwhelm the odds by forcing someone to fit the profile you have designed. Also, if you expect to try to change someone to fit the list you may be setting yourself up for a fall. My advice, and that is all that it is, is to consider using a specification list, and to give it some time. Most people try to shortcut the process, and later find out that if they would have only stayed with the program that their wait for a “good man” would have been shorter.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): I think that you should start going to exploring different areas and visiting other towns it sounds stupid but my frend met her long term boyfriend in the manga section of a comic store and I met mine in an antique bookstore.
Maybe you could join some clubs in your area so that you could find people that share your intrests (you could end up getting some really nice new friends too)
You could even try dating online as there are loads of new sites which concerntrate specifically on getting people who have the same morals ect. so they can have long lasting relationships.
Lastly maybe you are expecting too much from a man? You may have to reassess you wants of a boyfriend as nobody is perfect.
I hoped these helped and good luck, there are plenty of nice men out there even though at times it really doesn't feel like it! I hope you find some lovely!
xxx
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A
female
reader, besito +, writes (2 May 2011):
besito is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've dated men from different places whether it's online or when I'm set up and all that. A lot of these men pursue you like that want more, they upfront say I want marriage and the picket fence. Not to say I fall for this. I've had one particular guy actually call me everyday, cook for me, pick me up all the time, even help me me donate my recently deceased grandmothers clothes. Why go all out if your not sure. I only seek dating advice from men of all sorts. Male friends that I trust and they are at times dumbfounded or they say they found someone else. Majority have come back and want to see me. I've ignored these pursuits because I don't have time nor patience. I allowed one back and he ended up hurting me in the end. All my guy friends say the nicest things about me. I've always displayed myself as quality, play all the hard to get games, the fun aloof nonsense. I dont go for rich guys, or bad boys, a lot of times they pursue me. I can live independently. I don't feel the deep need to be married. I just want a companion a bestfriend. How many times can I be dissapointed?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 May 2011):
It is true that there are lots of good guys out there. I hope I'm one of them, and I'm sure that most of my male friends are. In my opinion, there are two problems. 1 - Women aren't always interested in good men. They do love their 'bad boys'. You only have to read this site to realize that there are a lot of women who accept shabby treatment in the name of 'love' or whatever. Perfectly good, intelligent women choose complete idiots. If I had a pound for every woman who has said "he cheats, but I love him", I'd be a very rich man. You have to ask yourself whether you're interested in good men, which leads me to my second point. 2 - What type of man are you looking at? You seem like a smart woman who wants a good man, which probably means that you're looking in the wrong places, at the wrong men. I would suggest slowing down for a start. You are actively dating men, which is good, but if you've found all these crap men then you're dating too many for the sake of dating, rather than spending real time looking in the right places. You also need to change that way you find a man to date. Whatever way you're doing it now is wrong, so look for men elsewhere. Finally, set your standard higher. You being attracted to the wrong man means that you're setting your standards too low, and going for guys who are unsuitable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): "Are there some good, quality, intellectually developed men who actually want to spend time and get to know someone?"YES! these guys are every where!! Over the years I have known plenty of guys (good friends of mine) who were decent, intellectual, kind and honest! But as far as having relationships, these guys don't make much of a chance! So many women set their standards really high and then the regular guys don't get the time of day.Maybe you should analize the sorts of guys you have been in contact with? Guys who are good looking, overly confident, charming and maybe even a bit wealthy? These are the typical characteristics that girls like. Sorry Cerberus Raphael but they are NOT few in number, there are stacks and stacks of good guys out there. Women are just oblivous to them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): There's no shortage of good men. Only a shortage of women who actually want them.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (2 May 2011):
 Are you presenting yourself as a quality woman worth investing in? Emphasis on the "presenting" part. Without knowing anything about you, I could say that whether you're a saint or not, failing to effectively make these qualities known would doom the cause of meeting a good men just as effectively as a lack of good men in the first place.Basically, if a quality man does not think you're a quality woman, he won't treat you like a quality woman. You'll get baseline respect for a human being, not the VIP treatment.Get a straight male friend you can trust. Find out what he values in a woman. Don't judge, just get the facts. That will be your baseline. You'll have to adjust it slightly for individual guys. Compare what you have to offer a man to this list. Be brutally honest - if "has a good career" isn't something a man values, your good career doesn't add any points, for example.Now, compare what you have to offer to how you present yourself. If you're a patient and nurturing woman, but you can't demonstrate that in a relatively short timeframe, it doesn't do you any good until you've already got a man at least partially hooked. Attributes like good looks, sense of humor, interesting stories, or good listening skills should be frontloaded to hook a man's interest; attributes like kindheartedness, patience, and adventurousness in bed will have to reveal themselves over time.Once you've done all that, either change your behavior to a more effective type, or confirm that you're already doing everything right. If by that time you're still not finding good men, you're looking in the wrong places. If that's the case, start finding men elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Because I got the last one! ;) Just kidding!They are out there, but they're few and far between. Don't settle for the losers you described beforehand. There is someone for you, and while I'm no advocate for "soul mates", there will be a time when you will find someone just right for you. He won't be perfect, but he'll be darn close. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): I have the exact same problem. Im sorry, I dont have any good advice. I just wanted to let you know that I sympathize with you completely.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 Maybe you're looking in all the wrong places. There are men like that, few in number perhaps and that's a shame but, they are out there. Everyone nowadays seems to be drawn to the wrong person. Perfectly good people bound to someone who treats them so cruelly. Just be patient.I hope that helps.
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