A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend is very selfish and only thinks about himself he wants his own way all the time and i think he just is useing me.i have tried to finish with him many times but then he says he is sorry and i forgive him only for him to start again what is wrong in his life.he lives with me and only gives me a little money to look after him. for the first time in years i made him give me a little more money but there was a big argumenti want to get rid of him but i still love him and hope he will change and i live in hope.i will really miss him if we do finishWhere do people get the strength to finish with people that are no good in there lifeanyone else been where i am and what happed
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (23 July 2010):
 Everyone gave you some solid advice.
What is key here is that the past is a predictor of the future. You have taken the right step and now you just need to keep on that path. You are what I would call a caregiver in life and you feel good when you help people. But there are people in life who take advantage of your generosity and this guy is one of them.
What Natmarie said is so true, you are afraid he will call with tears and apologies and on the other hand you are afraid he will not call. The fact that you said he didn't seem phased by the breakup means to me that he truly isn't. It might take some time for him to realize his free ride is over and he will miss that and that will be why he calls. If he had any compassion at all he would have realized what he did to you and that would have hurt him. It didn't. He is selfish and doesn't know how to be an equal in a relationship.
You can do better and you will. I also ended things with a guy I have been back and forth with for 3 years. Samantha x said for us all it is about hope. She is right. We realize things aren't right and that the relationship isn't working but we have hope that things will change. We are positive people who believe in the good of people and sometimes that makes us naive to people who aren't good for us. We give 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances to people who will not change. We believe they have learned a lesson but what I figured out is that we are actually training them to behave this way. By forgiving them we are saying it is acceptable behavior and actually, they lose respect for us because they can treat us this way.
What can you do? You must not take this man back. Don't answer his calls, block them. Don't believe he will change, you know in your heart he wont and do you really want to go through another round? Remember how hard it was for you to come to this decision and to take action. You don't want to put yourself through it again.
Make a list of all the things you truly want in a relationship and then, when you are thinking clearly and not just missing him, check off the ones he could give you. Now think about the future with someone who actually cares. It's hard for you now to think about a positive, loving relationship because you haven't been in one for awhile. But if you move forward, you will have one. Learn from your mistakes in this relationship. What behavior belongs to you that allowed this man to treat you poorly? You're not going to be a doormat for anyone again because you are strong!!
Get yourself some friends, do things, join a bowling league a cooking class or volunteer. Do good things for you. Remember to take time to think about what happened, it's ok to feel sad and to miss him but just don't take any action like calling or texting or returning any of his communications. You are moving on. You're moving foward. And you will get through this. One day you will be in a healthy relationship and only then will you recognize that how unhealthy this past relationship was for you. How much it damaged your self esteem and expectations.
You're a caregiver, take care of yourself!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): Well done you for taking the first steps, even though it is really hard! I think it is natural to not feel strong. When I ended the relationship I had been in, I did not feel strong either. I just felt tired, drained, and upset. And even if you do feel strong at first, I think that feeling quickly goes away, and then the worries and doubts creep in. So the fact you are feeling the way you are is natural and understandable.
I think this is always the hardest point - sticking with your decision, and not allowing yourself to get sucked back into the situation. So, so hard to do. Is there any way you can ensure he has no way of contacting you? Could you block his number, or not answer his calls? I think it is always harder if you keep the channels of communication open. But if you cut those connections, it can help promote a sense of closure, of finality.
It is understandable that you might find yourself having doubts, feeling lonely, hoping he will call, wondering if he might change and it could all work out. It is to be expected. But try and keep in mind that feeling you have when you have had enough. Remember the reasons why you decided to end it. Those things will still be there, so do you really want to go back into that?
Also, if he does try to contact you with tears and words of how sorry he is, try and keep in mind the real reason he is doing that. It is not out of love, caring or concern for you. It is out of a need for control, a desire to keep things the way they are, not wanting to let go of a situation that benefits him even though it hurts you. When my ex used to contact me with tears and apologies, I used to think it must mean he was sorry, he had changed, and things would be different. But in reality, it was simply because he didn't like the idea of me moving on. He didn't want to take responsibility for himself. He wanted me there to make things easy for him. It was not about love or caring, or a real desire to change things.
It is really difficult at first. And you can't expect to feel good or strong right now. But what you are feeling is normal and to be expected. Just take your time, go with the process, and take care of yourself through this. x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): so many times i wanted to end it with him but it was impossible as i loved him but he found it very easy to end it with me on numerous occasions and i always forgave him and went back but i found the strength to say no the last time and i have never been happier as i have moved on and the love i felt i feel no more
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers
I have packed his bags and he is picking them up tonight he does not seem bother that we are over.
I have done everygthing for this bloke for 6 years surported him his washing iron everything.
I want to move on, but still hope he will be there for me.
It is very hard, do not know if i can do this but maybe i can
I think he will call me after a week he is so conferdent he is in controll of everything.
I am scared that if he said sorry to me with tears in his eyes i will forgive him
You are all shouting get rid of him. At the moment i feel weak and i want to feel strong and move on but i dont feel it.
I just hope in 1 year i have moved on and can help some one else here
I need surgestions what to do with myself to get my mind off this. Thank you for your answers you are all caring people and you dont know me. Thank you
songbird1 xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): I once had to end a relationship with a guy I loved. It was very hard. He was unpleasant to me for a long time, the situation was a nightmare and was becoming unbearable...but still, I hung on, hoping things would change. But eventually, I found the strength to end it.
How did I manage to get that strength to end it? Well, I think it is important to see the hope for what it is - hope. It is not based in reality. We have ideas and thoughts of how we would like things to turn out, but if things are going badly right now, you have to go with that. I was with this guy for quite a while, and one day I realised that things were not going to change. I had tried and tried, I kept hoping the future might be different...but in the end, we cannot live in the future. The future is not here yet, it isn't even real. All we have is the present. So if you are unhappy with the way things are right now, that is what you need to focus on. Let go of the hope and accept the reality. And then do something about it.
I also told myself that by finishing with this guy, I would be freeing him to learn his own lessons in life. This guy used to steal money from me, he would manipulate me...basically, he used me as a crutch, a convenience. He didn't have to face reality or himself. By ending the relationship, I knew I would be giving BOTH of us a chance of happiness in the future. If things are going badly between a couple, sometimes it is kinder to cut the cords and free each other.
Finally, I think it helps to tell yourself that you deserve better. If you find that difficult to do, or to believe, it can help to have other people to support you, to build you up when you start to feel down. Because we all deserve to be treated with respect and caring. So if we are not getting that in a relationship, we have every right to walk away with out dignity intact and out heads held high.
Those were some things which helped me. I hope something here helps you too. Take care. x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): If this guy is like this,there is nothing to miss him for. You dont want to be on your own,maybe. When you think youre starting to miss him think back to the reality,everything he did wrong..If he found somewhere where he has absolutely nothing whatsoever to pay he might make the choice 4u by the sound of things. He`s using you.
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female
reader, natmarie +, writes (22 July 2010):
 I am in the smae situation as you - except I do not live with the guy. I think that eventually, your body and mind just give up on the person, but it doesn't happen until you have had absoulutely had enough. Try and start believing at first in your mind that there IS a way out, and one day you WILL be free of this person. I know you miss him - i too am missing mine. He texted and called me last night, and I had to ignore it - as I know he is just no good for me - but I miss him terribly today, and want to respond, and he has not tried again, and I am starting to get worried that he will not try again, but what can I do except just feel the pain, live with it and hope it will pass off (Which it will in time) Try also to look after yourself - eg: sleep well, pamper yourself, eat well, and believe that you will find the strength, After you have left, or got rid of him, you wil look back in less thn a year and relaise thai was the best thing you could ever have doen for yourself. Nat Marie xx
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