A
female
age
41-50,
*urt and Confused
writes:I am 32 years old, divorced with three children. I start dating a divorced man with one child over a year age. For the most part the relationship is great except I have always wanted more of a commitment than him. We are faithful to each other and spend a lot of time together, but I want to start making plans to either live together later next year or get married in 2011. He will have no part of it. When I press him why he will not make any plans for our future he will only ever respond that “he is not to that point yet”. I do everything for him, clean his house, do his laundry, take care of his daughter, cook, etc. I ask for little in return except for some type of commitment. I pay my own way and run my own household. I made the unwise choice of pushing the issue Monday night saying that he either committed to making plans for our future our I was going to walk, he said walk then. Now I am regretting it and want to try and work this out. Through this I have realized that he is fairly selfish, I almost always go to his house to spend the night. He comes to my house maybe once a week and that is usually only after I beg. Everything we do is what he wants. I have pointed this out to him and that I feel he only does things that benefit him, and committing to me does not benefit him.Now I do not know if it is worth working out or not. I love him and for the most part he is good to me and my kids. But why should I beg for attention? Am I expecting too much? Should I tell him goodbye and cut it off abruptly or slowly start trying to break away if he does not put any effort into this? I thought about calling his mom for advice but is that crossing the line? Oh the kicker in all of this is his sister and my brother are getting married next summer, so he and his family will forever be a part of my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): For one thing you are doing too much for him, you are overusing your gifts. Stop cleaning, cooking doing his laundry etc.
If you want him to spend the night at your place then stop going over to his place and hold out for what you really want.
He does not seem to want the same happily ever after that you are looking for....you are in the girlfriend trap.
The only way to get out of it is to stop actually focusing on him. DO NOT ask his mother for advice that will send him running, you are not his wife.
What you do is get a life of your own with interests that do not include him, you start dating other men just casually like going on a coffee date and keeping your heart open to other men. ]
I am not talking about flaunting this in his face to make him jealous but he has to realize that he could lose you forever to someone else if he doesn't step up and claim you.
You can even give him a little power speech and say that your time for being someone's girlfriend has passed, you are beyond that in years and experience and what you want is happily ever after. You can say he has the RIGHT to take as much time as he wants to decide, but while he is deciding he cannot have you all to himself, that you will no longer be available to care for his dauther, to cook or to clean or do his laundry. You can say I don't do well with you dating other women so if you decide to start doing that then I will know that you have decided that you don't want the same thing I do and I will just move on.
I may take some dates from other men, though, but I will remain sexually faithful to you. I am the prize here, not the other way around. If you want me then you need to decide....and of course you can take as much time as you need, but remember, I am not giving you my all while you do that....I want more.
A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (8 October 2009):
 Hi there, reading your post really saddens me. Stop being this desperate man pleaser and get a life!!
Men who've just come out of a divorce rarely want to go there again in a hurry. Why did you give him an ultimatum, when you had no intention of following it through? You'll have a really hard time making him take you seriously now.
He holds all the cards in your relationship. Just because you do everything for him doesn't mean he feels he owes you anything.
Stop being a doormat and you may find he begins to see you through new eyes. You can't get a guy to marry you by trying to control him. Please wake up!!
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (8 October 2009):
 After having a divorce I can understand him not wanting to commit yet. But to do things that only benefits you is selfish. I think he is using you and you should "walk." You should not have to go begging for attention.
Yes I think calling his Mom and asking for advice is against the line unless you have a great relationship with her.
The best way to heal is to just cut contact but explain why first.
Good Luck!
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