A
female
age
36-40,
*iracle217
writes:Hi!This is my first time asking a question ..its going to be long but bare with me please. here it goes.I am turning 21 next month. I have been with my boyfriend, 21, for 4 years now, we have never broken up once, nor have we ever taken a break. He is a sweetheart, romantic, funny, cute.. In the last 4 years, we have motivated each other to continue our education, remain family oriented, have secure social lives - and to just be good people. I am becoming a registered nurse, and he is becoming an oil and gas engineer.. if all goes well we should be convocating next year. We are opposites, but we both stand out in a crowd. He is loud, opinionated and very social. I am quieter, able to see both sides and easy to talk to. People see us as "the perfect couple" but little do they know. In the last two years, we started talkng about where we see ourselves in the future. I want to get married, I want to let my mom enjoy the pleasures of grandchildren one day. He said, first of all he will not even think about these things until at least 30, and he said, besides, he is never getting married anyway, and children? who in the right mind would want to raise a child. I let this go, hoping we could somewhere down the road believe the same things - either I change my expectations or he does.Months go by, and it comes up again. I asked: Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now? "Ah, probably in an office - Manager or CEO of a big company". I asked, "Do you see me in all of this?" He says, "Of course, as a successful Doctor, because I will make sure you write the MCAT next year, and you are going to med school" I was happy for him.. he wants to succeed, and I guess... needs me to succeed. Four years together now. This Valentines Day, he cooked a romantic dinner, he massaged me for an hour, we watched tristan and isolde and went and got smoothies from timmy. It was a wonderful night. We started talking about the future again, about career opportunities, life goals, plans.. and about how we have seen some long distance relationships and such. He asked me, "Well realistically, if you got accepted to Hardvard Med - wouldn't you take it?!" .. I said, "of course, with hope that you will support me and we will make it work, you know.. I think we have built something strong so why not?" He said I am living in a dream world, and things don't work like that in the real world. He says, "I'm sorry, but to be honest, and realistic.. I would pick Hardvard Med over you" - Basically, when I asked him to break that down a little... He said, "as much as I would want it to work, I would have to take the hit". I let it go. I asked him for the first time, "do you even see us together in the future?". He says, "To be honest sweetheart, no. We have different goals, and I feel that we will someday hit a crossroad - and we won't be able to compromise - and it will end". I couldn't get this off my mind! A few days later, I said, "I don't get it. You think we won't be together in the future? Then.. aren't we wasting time now? Why don't you leave me know?""Because I can't leave you. You mean the world to me, and I love you too much""But eventually you are going to leave, you said it""No. You will leave me. I will never give you what you want, marriage, children, I will be travelling with this career, I will miss holidays.. You will get fed up. You're going to leave me, I'm sure."For four YEARS of my life, I have invested so much love, time, effort into being all that I can be for this guy who thinks about himself, loves himself and thinks we won't last? How can you say that to someone? I told him we need a break. I need to know how much I mean to him and if he is better off without me now - because if thats the case, I said - just leave me now, stop being so selfish PLEASE, and save me from a broken heart years down the road. He said he didn't want the break - but logically, and realistically - it was necessary. Ok fine. Its been two days now, not one of us has called the other, not once. I can't think for myself anymore - and I am almost blaming myself. Where do I go from here?? I'm sorry this was long. Take care!
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female
reader, AllisonDro  +, writes (22 February 2009):
Wow...this is common situation, I think. I noticed several times in your post that you said "i let it go" or something like that. I think you need to stop letting things go. In a 4-year long relationship, a lot is invested for sure. What did you think when you got together? Or on your first anniversary? Didn't you see marrying him and having kids with him?
I think its odd that your relationship went on as long as it did, to be honest. I just celebrated one year with my boyfriend and if I knew after 2 months that he didn't want to get married (at least until 30) then i wouldnt have been there one day longer. Things like this are too big an issue to just "let go"
And I do understand why you let so many things go, because I've done that, too, but with an issue as big as your future, you shouldnt "let that go."
as far as its been several days and he hasn't called you...if i were you, i'd begin the healing process and do what you can to move forward.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Hi lovely and bit lost Mirakle,Thanks for replying, often you see here people only asking questions and you never hear anything.You are a person with responsibility feelings. You said that he didn't call you, but you can also call him, he might be thinking the same, but there might be something more that you don't know yet.The time will show you everthing and also the time is solving everything.Have faith in the future and in yourself.
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female
reader, miracle217 +, writes (22 February 2009):
miracle217 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you much for all your answers. I have always been telling him that I appreciate his honesty, and I'm glad he's not lying to me. I just feel as though he is keeping his options open, and wide open. I say that we can at least hope to be together, get through the hard times, the crossroads... he says, he would just be giving me false hope.
Thanks - I will keep in mind that I can't say he didn't warn me, and I will not be angry with him - i feel more upset, hurt and under valued if anything. It's true he does love me so much - but obviously he thinks there are better and bigger things out there. And if he loses me, someday, when he has a great career ad makes lots of money - he might believe something else will come along. I feel there is only commitment on one end, and instead of moving forward - we are suddenly moving backward. Three days now we have not talked, I am breaking down already and I don't know if he is worth that anymore.
I wish he had the thick and thin attitude one of you mentioned, but I guess you can't always get everything!
I don't even know what I am expecting from this break anymore. He hasn't called, I'm worried he doesn't care.
Thank you again!
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A
female
reader, miracle217 +, writes (22 February 2009):
miracle217 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you much for all your answers. I have always been telling him that I appreciate his honesty, and I'm glad he's not lying to me. I just feel as though he is keeping his options open, and wide open. I say that we can at least hope to be together, get through the hard times, the crossroads... he says, he would just be giving me false hope.
Thanks - I will keep in mind that I can't say he warn me, and I will not be angry with him - more upset, hurt and under valued if anything. It's true he does love me so much - but obviously he thinks there are better and bigger things out there. And if he loses me, someday, when he has a great career ad makes lots of money - something else will come along. I feel there is no commitment, and instead of moving forward - we are suddenly moving backward. Three days now we have not talked, I am breaking down already and I don't know if he is worth that anymore.
I wish he had the thick and thin attitude one of you mentioned, but I guess you can't always get everything!
I don't even know what I am expecting from this break anymore. He hasn't called, I'm worried he doesn't care.
Thank you again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): I would be so hurt, but at the same time, as the others say, glad he's being honest. Glad I can break free before 'investing' more of my time and love. I can see where you're feeling used for his own selfishness. My husband has a friend that put making money before love and he's a very lonely man at 50. What good is money and status when you have no one to share it with?
For any man to say marriage and children are a waste of time Doesn't deserve your time.
The sad thing is, I think deep down he will want this...It's almost like he's writing his fate in the sand...doomed to be undeserving of a family. But this is his 100% choice, and no one can make it for him.
So, he's taking a big risk to lose the love of his life. I would stay strong, because you have alot going for you, and to one day meet a man with a strong desire to be a good husband and father to you-- is worth Your love.
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female
reader, lwstudent  +, writes (21 February 2009):
I have been in a similar situation,same age and we were together for nearly 4 years. He is just being realistic and oh so supportive of you! It's clear he loves you more than anything. Maybe it is best to end things now, rather than a few more years down the line when it will be more painful. On the other hand, who knows what the future holds? Until the moment arrives neither of you will know how you're going to feel about the situation. you have built something incredibly amazing over the past 4 years, it will only have been a waste if you carry on not speaking to each other. At the end of the day,whatever happens, i am sure you will be friends for a very long time, i am speaking from experience here. Me and my ex are still very close. We knew we wouldn't have a future together and even though it wasn't easier making the decision, we got through it.Stay strong and always think about the positives!
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A
female
reader, flicka23  +, writes (21 February 2009):
 I think you are right when you asked for a break and we should give him the credit of being honest with you even at the cost of losing you. He has different goals and he loves you but not enough to sacrifice his ambitions. He wants to be successful at all cost. I know it will be very hard because you invested yourself to the maximum in this love but you must find another man with similar goals than you. If you continue to be with him, you're waste your time, your energy and the pain will be much greater and he would tell you that he has warned you. You can't say that he has not warned you. Bon courage, ma belle.
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female
reader, b3autiful +, writes (21 February 2009):
If i were in your shoe....I would leave....If he said that to you about the future and you guys not being together,theres no point of being together now. If he really loved you as he said he does he would be with you through thick and thin regardless of what circumstance may arise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): Dear Miracle,I understand your reaction, also I understand also a part of his reaction.You started a relation at your 16th and both your personality has been developing a lot and will continue to develop.At your age it's very important that a relation is not limitating your education, your goals. About children.Honestly, I think that 30 even 35 is a perfect moment to start to think at having children. Both could explore the world together, financially you are settled, until your early thirties you have to work a lot and after your 35 you have more time for your children (but this is my personal idea).Be happy that your bf was so honest to tell you his feelings, you did not lose your time with your bf, your learned a lot together, you experienced a lot together and growned a lot together.I can go more detailed into your questions, tell you that he should have done this and you should do that, but I think that it's better that you realize yourself. Do not be angry to him, do not blame yourself, it's both self destructive. You have a 4 year relation and he was not only your lover but also your friend. Please give a reaction, because it's making us understanding if we can be helpful and it's helping the questioners to come to better effective answers.When you read my profile, you can see how I think about all what is happening in our life, maybe it helps you.Have faith
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