A
female
age
51-59,
*renda29
writes:I have been married for over 23 years , with 2 kids and have been unhappy in my marriage for over the last 15 years as my husband had a drinking problemAs a result I have lived in an abusive relationship. He gave up drinking about 4 years ago and for me there was something missing in my relationship. I found a dating website last year and met this wonderful guy , married with no kids, and we both decided to exit out of the dating site as we found what we were looking for in each other. Initially, in the first month our relationship became really intense and we started developing feelings for each other. He started feeling uncertain as he said this was not what he had expected and it was getting too complicated. He did not want to be in an emotional tangle. As we couldn't stop thinking about each other, and never stopped emailing, we decided to continue seeing each other. We have since had the most wonderful relationship and went all the way. It has now four months.He never made me any promises, and I know he cannot give me anything more. I know I want so much more with him. I have fallen in love with him and he knows this already.I feel so alone and uncertain as I know I am going to end up being hurt.I can't imagine breakng up it as I feel I need whatever he can give to me instead of having nothingI was hoping I could get some advice on how to best handle this situation...and where to go from here
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): Divorce your hb regardless of what this other man is doing in his marriage. By being single yourself you will now have one less obstacle in your pursuit of happiness because you can openly court and pursue other men and not have to sneak around, and by showing your availability you will attract a higher class of suitors than married men who are still tied down to their spouses and thus not able to be in a real relationship. This guy is probably not the one for you since he wants to stay in his marriage. But you now have a taste of what is possible to have so when you are divorced and single you can pursue this with single men. By being divorced you're signaling to potential mates that you're serious about them. No one actively looking for a new partner will take a married person seriously because they will assume that a relationship with you will go nowhere as you want to stay in your marriage and just have a secret affair. (Sort of like how it's panning out with this guy.) Therefore by still being married you're going to miss out on opportunities as all you will get is an affair which is neither here nor there.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): I'm not trying to scare you or anything, but what happens when he finds out about your affair? If he went through all of that behavior you described in your last post, then your husband is going to go ballistic! Women who are in abusive marriages would NEVER have an extra marital affair due to them being afraid that their husband might do! I'm not trying to minimize what you may have been through. Clearly, I wasn't there to witness any of it. The best thing to do is to cut any and all contact with this man. If your husband gets wind of this, it may cause a lot of problems for you. The longer you wait the worse its going to get. Believe me, your husband will pick up on it sooner or later. I wish you the best.
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female
reader, Brenda29 +, writes (13 January 2013):
Brenda29 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses,it is appreciated.The reason I went onto a married website is I am comfortable in my marriage, however I just wanted to get away from my responsibilities. I thought it was just something temporary, but you're right..I guess I was looking for love. I left my husband a few times, but he never left me alone..he got a private investigator to follow me and he would stalk me, by parking outside my house and watching me and things like that.I figured it was easier living with him and that's why I joined the married site.Yes, I know I only get he scraps, and I know I'm only 10 percent happy and 90 percent miserable.I also know he will never leave his wife for meI know it's going to be difficult, but I have to start cutting off contact with this guy, I realise this.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 January 2013):
 Brenda my dear. you seriously need to read your post over and over again until you yourself understand that you are in a web of lies that you are expecting to turn into a dream ending.
I am assuming you don't see this married man on a daily basis? or spend long romantic weekends with him or do things together like planning a future?...No? well that's because it's a fake, 'la la land' relationship that should not be happening in the first place and Cerberus is 100% right...there are other peope to consider here and I fear this man is stringing you along for sex and attention and that's all you will ever get.
I understand that you are in an unhappy marriage, I used to be in one myself and to a heavy drinker and gambler to boot. I ended the marriage after 19 years but not to be with another man..I ended the marriage because it was broken and I was unhappy.
I realised a long time ago, that there is no knight in armour who's going to sweep a lady off her feet and make it all better (especially not at our age) and the odds are that if you want to make your life better you have to bloody well do it yourself. If you are lucky to meet someone then it's better if they are single and sorted...married men are a waste of time.
You 'man' has already said he doesn't want to get involved emotionally and this is the signal to dump him...but you will ignore it because you are enjoying the scraps.
You are right YOU WILL GET HURT, it's jut a matter of time and there is no way he will ever leave his wife to be with you...so how do you handle it?
Dump him, divorce your husband and make a life for yourself, where you might find a decent single guy to love you.
or
Put up and shut up, take the scraps and remain 10% happy, and 90% miserable and upset.
Those (in the real world)are your choices unfortunately and god help you if his wife finds out!!
Good luck Brenda because you are going to need it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2013): @ Cerberus - You make several good points and you're right. Though I feel this is not a place to be judgemental. @Brenda29 - You seems really unhappy and confused and it looks like you got caught in a web of even more to come unhappiness and distress. This situation will not bring you happiness at all. Sounds like you've been looking for love which is understandable since you seem to be in a loveless marriage. With that said - I think you should rethink your marriage. You said it was bad because of his drinking for so long. So he stopped. If you stayed for so many years with the drinking and chaos, why not stick around and try to make it work with the someone who made a change in the past 4 years. (With that said I do not condone at all an abusive relationship. If that is the case still you need to get out of it ASAP. No exceptions.) If you feel that this relationship is too broken to save then you need to move on for your own self-respect and sanity. Find love with someone who is deserving. This relationship may have awakened some really intense and awesome feelings. Don't be blinded by that. Use your intellectual brain and not the emotional one. Even though you're being deceptive, this guy here is a liar too. You have no idea what is going on in his home with his wife who probably feels everything is peachy fine and madly in love. Do you really want to be the person who was part in destroying that with a moment of weakness on his part. Just think how you'd feel. I know you feel like you love him, and I mean no disrespect, but this is not love. This is simply you wanting something that you can't have and living in the moment. You deserve so much more than that. Someone you can call yours. Someone you don't have to be ashamed to be with. Someone you don't have to sneak around with. At this stage in your life, you really deserve much more. Wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (13 January 2013):
 Well ideally, you'd leave your husband, set yourself up as a single woman, and start dating men who are not in committed relationships.
I can't think how else you're going to get what you want/ need, and you won't get it with the situation you're in at the moment.
I know you can't face finishing it with your lover immediately, but the longer you leave it the more you'll get hurt. And the longer you let it carry on, the higher the chance of your husband and children finding out and getting hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2013): First off OP, you're married and so is he. That seems to something you don't give a shit about but really you should.
Why are you married to a man you don't love and then speak about your affair like you're single and neither marriage matter? Have you even considered the feelings of the partners here? Maybe his wife thinks everything is fine and a good person.
I feel a bit dirty giving a person doing what you're doing advice but here it is. You need to end your marriage. This other guy may be nice at the moment but I seriously doubt he will leave his wife for you and you seem to think that he's your escape but he's not, you need to sort out your marriage and become single no matter what and this other guy can't be a factor in your decision.
What should you do about this "relationship" you have? Sorry I'm not going to help you cheat, you're on your own there. But I do warn you, it's not going to work out well, his own wife can;t trust him and while you think this is a relationship, it's not, you're mistress, a piece of side-ass no matter how he treats you it's unlikely he sees you as anything more. I mean you're a cheat, cheating with him. The likelihood he respects you as anything more is exceptionally low.
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