A
female
age
30-35,
*unshine1013
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for six months, and I am very happy with him, but the fact that he smokes weed is always lingering in the back of my mind. When we first started dating, he quit in order to impress me, according to his friends, and after we were dating for a while, he started u again, without telling me. I asked him several times when i could smell it, or i could tell that he was high, but he denied it for two months. I then found out that he had been smoking (long story), and it was a big fight, more about the lying than anything, but he did ask if I wanted him to stop, and as much as I wanted to say yes, I realized that it wouldn't make a positive difference, and just told him that I didn't want to be around when he did it, or after if he was still under the influence. That I know of, he has respected that aspect. Though I have no idea how often he smokes, it bothers me to no end knowing that he probably does. All his friends smoke, and even his family. It is a constant battle on wether I should talk to him, or let him be. I do want him in my life, but I don't know if I will ever be willing to be okay with the fact that he smokes. I have tried for several months to just not even thing about it, and let him do his thing, but it drives me crazy.. I feel out of line, and a little crazy, but it is something that I feel very strongly about.I do want to talk to him, and ask how much he has been smoking since our argument, but I feel like I should ask questions that I may not like the answer to...Any recommendations on what I should do? Should I talk to him? Any feedback is useful, and very much appreciated! Thank you! 3
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): Hello,My boyfriend was the same way, but I chose to stay with him. It doesn't get better. My boyfriend went from smoking weed only on Saturday, to doing it Friday and Saturday, then a few times a week, and now he smokes 3 to 5 times per day.He has lost his job, gone into debt, gained nearly 40 lbs, can't remember anything - not even birthdays, and has no motivation other than to get high. If you stay, you must know that this never gets better. A smoker will always smoke, despite how you may feel about it. I would suggest talking to him but this may truly be a deal breaker in your relationship if it's something you can't put up with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): IF he grew up in a culture where it was acceptable (his family smokes) and it's a daily event, then I fear for your sanity the only way to resolve this is for you to end the relationship.This is as fundamental an issue as cheating, or finances.THC lasts in your blood stream a good three days so you are probably with him while still under the influence to some degree.Not sure what your issue with it is. If it's that it's illegal then there is not much I can do to mitigate that. ONLY time will cure that and probably not in my life time.If it's that it's not healthy for you, well that's the smoke part and a vaporize or ingesting through food stuffs would void the smoking issue, although many folks don't feel "as High" from ingesting food stuffs and a vaporize is very expensive for a good one... (figure 800-1000 dollars for a digital one)If your issue is that it impairs him, is he working, is he productive, does he miss time due to being high? (like an alcoholic would miss work due to hangovers)?IF it's just a visceral response and you don't want him to smoke, well then you may have to end the relationship.There are some who are DAILY users who hold down full time, important, well paying jobs. Who run a household that is neat and clean and pays all the bills on time. There are those whho smoke daily much like those that go home and have a beer or two after work... and yet manage to be highly contributing members of society.If he is not that type of smoker, if he smokes to just be lazy around the house and do nothing... well then you have your work cut out for you. Leaving someone over a fundamental belief is difficult especially if you love them.If he is a smoker that is useless when he smokes, well then it will be easier to leave him.You can not make him choose "me or the pot" as that never works... and he will just lie to you. The only choice you can make is to stay and accept it or leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2013): I honestly felt like I was reading something I wrote...this is EXACTLY what just happened to me and my boyfriend. What bothered me most too was the lying!! He told me at the end he was smoking almost EVERY DAY! And it makes them lazy, out of it, and confused. I really hate the stuff. I just want to let you know from the "other side" what happens...I broke up with my boyfriend and even now find out more lies he told me. One lie leads to another. Your BF knows he's wrong smoking so much, but he can't stop (addicted maybe? mine was!). He obviously cares about you, as he tried to stop. But you MUST realize smoking is a LIFESTYLE for them... And I say this as nice as possible because I've been there, but it doesn't sound like he's gonna stop any time soon and he will ONLY change if he wants to.You deserve better than a liar and druggie. I'm sure he's a very nice guy, but if this keeps bothering you, acknowledge that it is a big deal. Don't sacrifice your morals or what's important to you to be with him. If you're both trying to be people you're not, it won't work out. And it's OK that you don't like weed! There's nothing wrong with that. And you're not crazy, because I felt the SAME way. Reality is, I think continual weed usage really messes people up. Try to think of the legal aspect too (I know, it sounds silly) but what if he has driven with you while high? What if police found drugs and you were there? I'm just saying- it could get very dangerous.I want to suggest leaving this relationship for someone more on your lifestyle. If all his friends and family do it, I doubt he'll stop. And if you get more serious, do you really want your in-laws to be stoners too?? I wish you the best of luck! I know how hard this is, but please just follow your heart and do what is going to be best for you in the long run. If you think you can stop worrying about this, then maybe it can work out! But it sounds like you're really bothered by it. I've been in the same exact situation and really hope everything works out for you. BE STRONG :)
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (13 January 2013):
 Well if it's a BIG deal to you then the solution is get rid. Simple. If I were seeing a girl and then found out she drank excessively regularly I'd ask myself "could I marry this woman and live with her for the next 20/30/40 years?"
The answer would be no. I'd get rid and find someone else.
Trying to give the ultimatum; "give up or I'll leave" never works. Maybe temporarily but they ALWAYS fall back into it or continue and try and hide it.
They have to want to stop for themselves. There's nothing you can do except walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2013): I am in a similar situation to you, although my boyfriend started smoking weed a year after we got together.I hate it and made that clear, but he refused to stop. Like you, I thought I could be ok with it if I was never around him when he did it/was under the influence, but I too am unable to accept it. It bothers me that I don't have any idea about a whole side of his life - in fact I am actively hidden from it. It bothers me that he is ok doing something he knows I hate and is upsetting me. And it bothers me that after smoking for 2 years now, he has still never grown out of it. I'm now at the stage that I am in a 3 year relationship with someone I can never see myself moving in with or having a family with. Weed just doesn't fit with my idea of that life. I am going to end it this week. If I could go back I think I would end it with him as soon as I found out, because it doesn't get better and the secrecy kills any intimacy and trust you have in the relationship.Please believe me when I say it will never get better, if anything your tolerance of it will get less with time. Please consider leaving before you get any more attached.
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