A
male
age
41-50,
*hawn10
writes:Ok I love my wife very much but now she is second guessing me. Ever since we had a baby, 5 months old, she has gotten really angry with me and sometimes goes crazy. I do the best I can to hold my temper but she says such hateful things I have no choice but to lose control of my feelings and I become angry as well. She can get mad at the littlest thing and then go off about stuff in the past and there is no stopping no matter how nice or mean I am. She also used to love my parents and now they can do nothing right in her eyes. She says she wants to divorce me but I don't know how true she is about that. I tell her if she wants to leave then go ahead but after awhile everthing is fine. I know I can't go they rest of my life living like this. We have been married 2 years and I really don't know what to do to get my loving wife back, any suggestions would be appreciated.
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male
reader, Longterm +, writes (10 September 2009):
My wife had severe postpartum depression after the birth of our first child. She got treatment and things improved for a while. A few years ago she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. A couple of things I have learned about how to deal with this:* It's tough, but you need to be the adult. When she gets whipped into a frenzy you need to calmly disengage from the situation, go for a drive or take a walk. * Get help from your wife's family. It didn't matter how much I said "I think you need to talk to your doctor about this" because I'm the bad guy. But her family saw the same things and they were able to talk to her in a way she could accept.* Don't criticize, no matter how constructive you think it is. This isn't the time. There could also be some basic "new baby" adjustments in play. Most new moms expect their husbands to perfectly adjust to this without any discussion or preparation on their part, and they get angry when you fail to live up to their unspoken expectations.* Try hard to do 2/3rds of the work around the house, without being asked. Doing half is not enough. You won't meet her standards but don't let that bother you. Keep doing it. * Realize that you went from being #1 in your wife's life to... something further down the list. Certainly beneath the new baby, and several numbers down from sleep, shower, and getting five minutes to herself. This won't change, you have to adjust to the new dynamic. Good luck. It gets better.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Craziness in women is like hip dysplasia in German Shepards- if you see an early signs it will eventually develop. It might have popped up anyway but being early in a marriage and having a new child are huge huge risk factors. In fact if your wife didnt have a radical personality shift in this case she'd be the exception, not the rule. Consider the changes- a year ago she could grab her car keys, walk out the door and go to any store she wanted and things would fit her. Now if she wants to leave the house she can only do it if the baby has been fed and changed and isnt cranky. The diaper bag has to be packed. She needs to locate the favorite pacifier and toys. Loading the car seat take 10 minutes. Then she has to unpack the stroller. At the store thing dont fit and she cant look at anything for more than 2 minutes before the baby gets restless and starts crying. What used to be fun and easy- a trip to a store- is now exhausting and nervewracking. So understand that the first couple of years are going to be rough, but it does get better. Its said people can tolerate anything if they know there is an end to it at some point. Secondly, you know she is nuts. Take her to a competent therapist and have that explained to her. If she knows she is acting unreasonably it will be much easier on her. Both of you need to avoid saying things that cannot be unsaid, so dont be provoked by her outbursts. Try to limited her exposure to women's media. If you watch it for a day you can see how it would drive anyone nuts. She will either end up manically growing and bottling her own organic baby food out of your kitchen or become convince that your are acting eeriely like Scott Peterson and start checking yoru Home Depot receipts. She is an adult and has an adult mind- if you wouldnt watch the show or read the book its probably not good for her either. The happy long lasting marriages of our grand parents generation were based on some separation. Establish that you are going to be gone certain days of the week and its non-negotiable. ie- after you finish your chore list on Saturday you will be gone golfing and should not be scheduled for looking at new curtains for the nursery or a kids birthday party with the flighty woman from playgroup. Tuesday night you will be in a bowling league and will not be home. She may still be a little nuts, but you will be better able to cope with it. Look at it this way: regardless of what anyone does in 18 years your kid will be an adult and pretty much be on their own and beyond fixing or changing anymore. The kid can either be a happy A/B Honor Roll student packing up their bedroom fill with swimming ribbons and Lacrosse trophies on their way to college. Or they can be an D student who started drugs and alcohol early to numb the pain from a crazy unsettled family life with lots of shouting and acting out. This will have fallen in with a bunch of losers who also have bad home lives because that where they feel they belong and people understand their internal pain. The choices you guy make now will effect your babys life in a major way. Once the die is cast it will be very hard to take back so treat your wife's irrational behavior the way you would cancer or leukemia and face it together. Understand there will be good times and bad times and to make it through you will need to remain balanced during both. Yeah, its not fair, but that is the way it is, so we need you to man up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): This does indeed sound like a case of post-partum depression. As you're learning, it can be very serious. Please talk to her doctor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Her hormones could be out of wack and have not returned to normal.....she should talk to her doctor about this. She may or may not be aware of the change, I'm sure if you sat her down in a non-confrontational way, in a loving and concerned manner, she would open up to you and it would probably even be a relief for her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): well, first year of marriage is the hardest.as there are so many new things for both parteners to get used to,so many compromises to be made, so many adjustments to be made that can make you to have second thoughts about marriage. maybe your wife wass passing through this phase when the baby came making matters so much more complicated for her.most couples pass through this stage to a lasting life together but there are the odd instances where the marriage end in divorce. you have to show a lot of patience and understanding and be very gentle and caring to help her through this stage. Good luck and all the best.
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