A
male
age
41-50,
*ornbread24m
writes:I have been dating this girl for two months now and I have issues with some of her friends. My girlfriend used to smoke weed every day and she admitted she used to date a drug dealer. This is a big issue with me that didnt come out until recently. This is also a big issue because im a cop and the last thing I want is a relationship with a drugie. The problem is two fold. She is still friends with all the people she smoked with and they still smoke. Secondly her best girlfriend as it turns out were actually in a lesbian relationship together, sleeping together, as well as smoking weed together. This wouldnt be a problem with me except for the fact that she lied about it and it turns out she has only known this girl for a year. She tells me that she has moved on from that lifestyle but she refuses to give up her friends that are involved with drugs. Am I right to tell her she has to get rid of her friends that use drugs or loose me? I feel like that if she was serious about giving that lifestyle up then she wouldnt keep the same friends that are involved in illegal drugs. Keep in mind that im not telling her she has to get rid of all her friends just the ones who use drugs.
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reader, cornbread24m +, writes (10 September 2009):
cornbread24m is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom what I know her friends that do those things do not have stable jobs and pretty much smoke weed and drink every day.
A
male
reader, cornbread24m +, writes (10 September 2009):
cornbread24m is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell so far this is what has happened. I talked to her last night about it and explained to her that if she is friends with people like that then that makes me associated with them thru her. I told her I dont have any issue at all with any of her friends who dont use. She seems to have two different circles of friends the ones who are legit and the ones who are into drugs. She is visibly upset about my ultimatum but if she truly has left that lifestyle behind then it shouldnt be an issue no to associate with those people any more. If she would have been honest with me from the start about her drug use in the past it wouldnt be that big of an issue but the fact that she wasnt completely truthful about it makes it appear that she is reluctant to give that circle of friends up. Thanks for the replies so far and I look forward to more.
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A
male
reader, EpeeGuy +, writes (10 September 2009):
Coming from a *similar* situation a few months ago, as far as the drugs go. I can't and don't do any drugs, never have, because of certain licenses i must keep. My ex dated a drug dealer in college, and although she stopped all drugs except pot (I am fairly certain this is the case, even though we were in a LDR at the time). She even started cutting back on pot and told me she wanted to quit one day.
About a month before we split (and we had 14 months without a single fight), she started hanging around with a new group, and her usage increased. Just pot, initially, but it went from an occasional puff to toking every 45 minutes. Additionally, she started smoking cigarettes again, something she had at least mostly given up for over a year. Less than one month later, we split. She was talking about moving in with me by July, one month later.
Likely stress or being scared, or the decision hit her or whatever, but she reverted to old habits, and kept relling me she didnt want to lose me all the way up until the day she broke up with me. I then found out through others, that even more drugs were involved (She had told me about, or I had witnessed, the others), and was even posting about doing them on a public forum.
So, unfortunately, even though I loved her (and was about to propose), and I think she did love me, she reverted to her 'crutch' for dealing with stress, and it ended us. I ended up killing us for good, when I tried to intervene, and we don't speak anymore.
I guess what I am trying to say is this: Be careful, be careful, be careful. When you introduce another variable to an already volatile equation in love, it just REALLY complicates things.
Hope this has helped at least a little.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Fair or not, you can't tell her who she can have as friends or not. Friends who she has had way longer than she has had you. If you think about it, why should she dump her friends of years while you've only gone out with her for two months? I'm sure she's serious about the relationship but how serious can you be with someone after only two months.
Friends are just friends as well. She understands what they are going through and she has had history with them. Who dumps friends just like that just for some new bf? Well you are a cop. You understand that and she does as well. While you can tell her to choose you are her friends, either decision won't work out since it's you with the problem, not necessarily her. She's already said she is over her past and doesn't do drugs anymore. It's more or less up to you if you wanna be with her or not. She can dump her friends but she can't dump her past.
Good luck, hope something works out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): I can't imagine that this is good for your career in any way. She may be a great gal, but her judgment is just not consistent with someone who will make a good partner with someone in law enforcement. What happens if you guys decide to live together and she has druggie friends over while you're out? I don't imagine your superiors will look kindly upon illegal drugs found in your home.
Fair or not, your job means you're held to a higher standard than the rest of the world.
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